I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.
Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes familiy, christianity, and othercheats. The simple reason is that it may well by that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of mymaterials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...
And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong
that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure
I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement
on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called uponus to respect
the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a
thing. Lying, imagine that.
So what if a sister that I thought I could find some interest in (though that never substantialized) of someone I realy liked is actually at least abusive herself?
Lots of what-ifs, essentially a major reason to want more reliable information, and probably exactly the reason that many are against me getting it. Mystery, Babylon the great, mother of harlots and abominations (Quote from Revelation about the city on the seven hills which was then very well known to be Rome). Strong words that probably are on the same credibility level of the rest of the text, meaning the situation must realy be about strong lies, that realy many have followed, being seriously and realy deluded, not the kind of lies that everybody knows about and seem to play with (though that is certainly not scripural) but essential and evil ones, like who Christ is, who his Spirit is, and what He want to say and make clear. I could be deluded, and I'll take every criticism serious, after all, prophesies must be tested, and I'm not alone in this world with millions of followers of Christ (?!). Except of course of proven liars that want to write me of as a nutcase. That's no criticism, that is an attempted social murder and grave professional assault.
I bet they would have doubled the speed of trying to institutionalize
me if at the time I would have claimed that I can make working synthesizer
(simulation) software, that actually produces usable sounds. In a few tens
of Kb. Grrmpf. Wants that kind of women, double grrmph. Nuts. Bad. A threat
to the system. Uncatholic (you bet). Unchristan (faites vos jeux). I think
I wrote on one of my christian thoughts pages (at the time I was completely
baffled at the lack of credibility, trust, truth and good lovingness, and
general lack of obediance to Christ of the 'christians' I tried to trust)
that I think it is of imparative value to lern the Rage-against-the-machine
(I think it was) song 'Killing in the name of'.
If that is not the antichrist killing christ I donno what else they want to reverse. Oeps, that might be a bit rough towards all those sweetly abusive 'christians' that are so kind. Bit of a twist of words here. I think the antichrist the beast, the false prophet (presently probably merely represented as (type) of deamons), the great whore and what else, are to be beat(en) by people that find Christ. First simply because God the Father has called them into His family and thus sais 'mine', later on because they themselves should have grown and learned to be able to win of all that, at least as far as their will is concerned.
It has appeared to me that there are vast amounts of so called christians
that seem to find it acceptable to be scheming, playing games, accepting
and even socially acknowledging in their midst criminals that can give
or let them keep something of the desirable good that is 'power' or 'wealth'
or 'status' or what else there is in desireabilities. Not to be found in
a positive way anywhere in scripture I know of, only as a condemned way
I remember from Jolanda's book that her 'mother' (what a term) seemed to sing 'glory haleluja' and other songs that would seem to be taken from church (as in the buildings, not 'the body of Christ') environment while abusing her in way I don't like to repeat.
In short 'Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me' to them, abusive authority figures, and other dispicable representatives of the sys such as guards that invade and try to run victims personal lives to keep them under control shunning no sneaky, liarish and even wraping act to keep the little that they think to have, to the point of being angry enough to actually let them go the hell (physically, for all I care, for some of the things I've understood) seems very in line with scriptural teaching to me, and hence VERY christian.
Peter told the scribes to fuck off. Paul pissed city representatives
of with the power of the roman empire off to the point of forcing them
to let him go with all honour restored to him. Not a fakely humble bastard
that bows down and seems to prefer get dirt on his lips instead of loving
Of course there are the authority and goodness despising beasts (or something) that are so dangerous that every means of the great whore to keep her power over them are justified... I'll expain that bit, to prevent confusion: which is the literal translation of the hebrew 'babel' : to mix up, both in my translation and in all lexicons I've checked. Rome is called the 'new babylon' after the old one in mesopotamia, which must have been horrible (the jews were send there in exile as punishment for disobedience to God). What I mean is that there is talk of 'the beast' making naked, bringing down, and devouring 'the great whore', and that I think the principle here must be relevant considering the themes are recurrent in various places in NT. No-one will take a not-loving beastly bastard for a christian that is good example. Bad, no doubt, but clear enough. Babylonian priests had their little (and big) human sacrifices' heart literally ripped out laughing (by drugs), and were probably just as glibberishly sneaky suckers in the rest of their lives as various christian circles I won't currently describe. Don't get me wrong: I didn't only meet people I'd never want to meet with again, but to say that even one of them even had the nerve combined with the truthfulness to say that they knew probably more about me them I, no. Some allusions, some general remarks, and than: of to the street or be slaughtered by (doubtlessly run by 'christians' that must 'protect' their little whore properties) the social system. No passing messages from or about victims they probably knew were abused, not even nice ones, no adres information, no nothing. Not chirstian. I don't doubt. Lack of knowledge? Fear? Delusion, a the very least. I might have disrupted the system. Exposed their treaserousness and their little big secrets, and their abuse of exactly those victims, by betraying them emotionally. I hate the ones that realy want that. For good reason, and with completely clear and very explicit scriptural backup.
Those who want to play the game because otherwise society might be disrupted should think carefully what will happen when things get so bad that a war results. What do you fear more: that kind or bombs. Seriously. When you're so affraid of the grreat satan or I donno what, I've got something (again) you and they should be more affraid of, its called death. No ritual, power system, church building form of riches (including children) can save you from it. It is sure as hell, hasn't failed yet, and accordig to scripture has reigned as king (not my words, check Hebrews) until Jesus beat it. Not that I won't die, I most likely will, but I have reliable information from a reliable actual person with ample historical backup that He defeated the power of death, that there is something after that, and that He can even forgive my sins because of his eternal, once and for all sacrifice to make me acceptable for his father, even after I die. Assuming all that is true, I have of course only so much factual eveidence and credible information about that. But it sure beats 'trusting' a system of weazely child wraping power gready notorious liars that claim to know it all. Gmpphh.
But I am very certain it makes more sense to have faith (trust) in the opinion of someone that was about truth, and proved reliable in His most idiotic claims, and even only did good than in a buch of crawling liars that just claim I must believe them because they, their system and the their spiritual forces are so damn powerful. Even being forced to submit to some of that, I shouldn't be stupid enough to take their powercliam for something that is actually true. Why would I? Its a serious observation that everything they strife for ends with death. What logic is there to believe that if there is a form of existence after I die they will rule things? When they are such power suckers, they must have a lot to hide about the real extend of their power, it seems.
I don't think I'd rather believe a bodyless spirit that never brought
anything but sorrow, destruction and misery
just because it makes such horrible threats to its proclaimed property. When you realy ARE, and have absolute control, there's not need for pityful games, secrecy, and such a focus on retaining power. Sounds like a machiavellian tower of babel that has no intrinsic value whatsoever, and can therefore be abolished without any real loss. The whore will loose control of the riches that have been given to her, and her life. Should have known that in advance, and not be part of her or trade with her. If your 'mother' is that way, why trust her for any (I'd almost say goddamn) thing whatsoever? Because it hurts to acknowledge how alone and abused you realy are I would imagine, without agreeing. And I can afford not to agree, because I did leave all I 'had' including that behind, that part with pleasure in fact, no prob at all, emotionally that was proven to be worth nothing and cut of already a long time, though I have never, consciously at least, been wraped and physically assoulted in my most private and sensitive parts to the point that I would cry out for anyone with even the least bit of comfort (not to abuse the word love). Emotionally, some things do qualify as such, but I don't dare to compare the picture of the kind of victims I read about, though that will in no way change my rational judgement.
Now its easy for me to write one shouldn't become a whore yourself to achieve something when you have been forced to be one with such horrible physical and emotional means, and wraped in ways that are probably uncomparable with playing the whore, that I can't even imagine saying harsh things about, asking myself the question in how far it is possible to flee from that, though (that, too, would be scriputral). Of course losing inheritance, positions and perverted 'love' from 'family' (who is that, anyway), and such. If those are someone's considerations, I'll have little mercy in how I judge them. If I should accept the treatment I got for some kind of incredible inheritance (as some suggested) they can stick it anywhere they seem fit, I won't accept that deal. Not that I wouldn't accept money that is legally mine, but I'l never accept such a game for something as base as money. Ever.
I recently saw the clip of the 'killing in the name of' unfortunately without the chance to videotape or capture it, but I'd say that does some serious cutting. 'You should join to abuse and lie to have a little bit with us'. FUCK you, I won't do as YOU tell me. Must be the impersonation of the antichrist itself for those liarish, hypocritical christians, but I think when you believe a lie, you're more close to that. It may even be preferable to love not that much at all instead of loving something bad, and have the firm impression that what a lot of christianity is close to is dispising and at least certainly does not love what is good, without using horribly profane expression, of course, Jesus must be realy happy about their holy language.
I'll do what the constitution tells me: indight and convict criminals by taking up on my consitutional duty to report crimes, especially such grave ones as wrape. If the catholic-like system is to rule the world, they got a lot of constitutions to officially change, or imperialistic wars to win. Won't happen when I can help it, and I just need to live by human law for it: suits me just fine, is even scriptural.
And I can write, say and officially speak about these things, too. Without committing purgery, without tricks, without playing machiavelly, kafka or napoleon, simply by writing things that are true.
Looking at some of Helens' art I have little question as to a least some of the sources of the fact that she hardly seemed happy and herself when I met her. Must I allow a system or a non-person that breeds that to be accepted by me, because we have to be so nice and social together? No. Fuck them.
As a phrase that is, of course.
'Hi pa, hi ma, hi former abuser, how are you'? Like my uzi? Oops, that's probably pushing it, but assume Ingrid, who I would realy like to meet and be with again, when she wants to, has indeed been abused in the way I think she indicated, can I sit in a gouvernment that has ministers that at least wanted to use her services, want to be present when she is nearly slaughtered to death, and reign with the likes of that kind of 'parents'. I would kill them if I ever saw them want to do the things I read about in Jolanda's book, without a second thought, and without any remorse or care. And I could be wrong, but old testament, though possibly maltranslated in many ways, suggests that is according to Gods former law, and new testament seems to indicate that that was pretty much what Roman gouvernment could also be rightfully about.
It was a major consideration not to even want to speak with former professors, because I started to have suspicions they might at that time even be into those kind of things, and try to at least officially subdue me to that kind of gross criminal, mafioso, abusive system, while I could content wise beat them, probably making a difference for at least Ingrid and some others. From what I heard, and saw myself (from little distance) what they did to her, I just mean in terms of humiliation, involuntairy emotional abuse, and gross and painfull denial of who he could be, without ever any means to proof them wrong, on top of all the other things I never even suspected they must have done to her, I could just despise them, but feel more like realy winning and making a difference. Preferably for good.
She is special, and I probably can feel most complete in some essential senses with her, and I know that our both in turn having put each other of in the past must have everything to do with the things I at that time didn't even consider part of the realm of possibilities. I have have effectively driven a bastard (if thats the appropriate terminology) out of the house because I sensed something was seriously wrong, not even realizing the possibilities that he (gmph) may have been part of the circes that wanted to abuse her, seriously, I mean. I decided I would believe that when she started to indicate those things had happened to her (unfortunately without having personal contact for quite some time already)
I think I can't imagine the ways I'l hate and feel bad about the 'people' that realy know about these kinds of abuse or are even part of it, that treat a victim like her as if she is someone with certain problems, that needs to 'learn' things from that kind of bastards, and that respond to her (and others' too, I won't forget, i just remember looks and expressions of anguish I think I can only now start to understan) as if nothing special is going on and play their schizofrenia inducing 'normal life' game, probably fucking in the worst way with her by that. Excusez le mot, c'est pour me rendre compte qui grave tout ca est. 'My girlfriend is not so nice to me, and doesn't sacrifice herself volontarily and deeply enough'. Bang. If I ever meet the kind of ownership some have tried to proclaim wrt her as I marvelled at in the past (and thought was simply wanted by her for someobnoxious reason), and have sufficient factual evidence of the kind of physical and emotional abuse I've described and thought about, I think I'd beat the bastard up until it leaves. For good. Without any fear for doing permanent damage. Wanna join? Have a ball. Afraid for represailles from the little bastard gang circles? Gmph. Big time ggrrmmppf. Need to get a girlfriend by letting her close family wrape her as a child and sell her to you and you try to impress me. Won't work. Realy. It won't.
Not scriptural? It'll happen by divine command to kings and rulers, and there will be joy in heaven about it., read your Revelation. Pretty explicit language, too. Not that I believe in fighting as a general solution for problems, but lets say I'd find Ingrid in oppression of bastards like that, and have enough evidence for that, they will have to get the hell out of my way. In any way I find effective. To beat them by being better is probably effective, too. Those pages with the starts of high spun stuff are not for nothing. Let them think it isn't that good, that I wait with building my processor and synth stuff because I can't do it. Ha. But doing the same at university level is another ball game, though having worked there for 8 years left me with more than enough self-knowledge to know that I contentwise can beat them. Basically because I did, and they had to play the game to deny what I could do, use their official position to sidetrack and blackmail me position and project wise, and of course try to write me of as the ntcase while they years later still can't live up to their own, official project planning, though I provably, contentwise, could already before I got kicked out, even doing a few peoples' job. Not that winning that little game would bring justice if there is indeed talk of such horrible abuse, but it would make some things right for at least a few of their worst victims by letting them have back what was theirs personality wise, talent wise, and professionally.
This holds for me, too, guite a bit in fact, it is outrageous how they have treated me, but I haven't been wraped phisically tortured on top of that, and knowingly been subdued to their directions for my life, I did basically did what I wanted, without hurting others. It is true though that I've been abused emotionaly and professionally in the normal sense of the word. And I too, maybe it was my attitude in the first place, like Ingrid refused to take it as that, not willing to give up some dignity, maybe, or in my case having had the luck to have done so much myself that I can sustain without much strain that I can be better, provably, and so much that I can run circles around most of them. And I didn't realy feel abused until I got kicked out, finding it hard to believe that professors and directors could be such blatant liars, because at that point I didn't even suspect the kind of horrible circles must be involved, and I took it all for more or less regular professional strife and power games, for which I saw no major reasons.
Oh and for the record I am a very peaceble and non-violent person, by natural disposition, realy, I am. I've had a pretty active social life in my school time (where such behaviour would most likely show up) with all kinds of people and fights around me, so it would have been natural so show the violent side of me there as well, and I can honestly say that I never beat someone except wrestling in defense or mild competition or playing, probably because I was liked enough and I never saw a reason for much zeal.
About the 'abuse': I don't feel like an emotional victim, at least not very personal, and prefer hardly to think about that at all, because it would seem completely pathetic compared to the things I've read about. Not that it isn't anything not to have some of the means I had that could practically make a difference, such as a university position, proven sanity, a (fast) car, decent friends, stuff like that, but I don't feel depressed or emotionally subjected to them. Just some easily containable anger, when it concerns myself, not her, and others.
I can't imagine what so much misery and (even emotional) subjection must have done over the years. I seriously mean that. I think that, and that at the time I was near, too, she was probably forced to do things, also toward me, that must have made her feel bad about how she became herself, so that I do not feel real good at forcing to find her to contact her at this instance. 'There is no one that is good, not even one.' must apply to a world that stands by and doesn't do anything when these kind of things happen, not even inform me. Not nice.
It took me quite some time to want to think about her as someone I wanted to share myself with at some point, and to keep taking that serious and the things she indicated that hapened to her as well. I knew when I was still in the same environmen that even though I knew we loved eachother, and I mean for real, we didn't get together, and I was continually aware of the risk of being 'rejected' by her, which I at that time perceived as a kind lf juvinile game of someone playing around with her capabilities to try out the outer bounderies. Seriously, I've assisted physics students (and others) at study assignments for years, and I know how obnoxious some of those little physicists can be, by lack of emotional maturity, or something. Never bothered me, though, probably I was the same in other ways (though years before). Evidently when things got close with her, as they regularly did, that's a different game, that is not enjoyable, and was taken by me as what she at times also indicated in words that it was not the right time (which partly was because of things I wanted, see some of the other pages, too).
I think when I want to meet someone that is realy significant to me, and that I emotionally and otherwise want to be close with, and want to be in love with in the serious way. I don't feel right when I'm forced into someone I am realy not, or when I realy hurt, or have a lot of things on my mind that I need to process, deal with, get over, or even heal from. That seems like a matter of personal integrity, how can I love someone when I don't feel much like myself, even, or have hardly any means to express myself in terms of who I am, what I am about and what I can do. That definately applies to me as well, thoug hI can live with it it makes no sense for me doing the work I'm doing right now. Not that I have a problem working overnight to get a flyer press ready, or dislike the company of artists, especially when they are nice and/or crafty, on the contrairy, but it hardly in line with my already not too optimal carrer line to be a professor by now persuing being heavily involved in setting up a quite new and definately interesting research and development in the combined fields of theoretical and applied physics, nanoscopic phenomena, mathematics and computers and electrical engineering. With serious knowledge and/or experience in all those areas, definately at top level, globally. Kind of hard to get there and politely ask for references of non-people that I suspect of possibly having sexually abused and tortured women I want to love. Not gonna play that game.
But what about Ingrid, and more recently encountered people that I also
want to love, assuming my assumptions are unfortunatly true. How do THEY
feel ?!?!? Wanna go out with me? Share your personal life with me, and
Wanna tell about your real history, without embellishment or me sucking in the same evasive liar game? How are you doing after having been (or nearly) wraped, tortured, robbed of nearly all natural dignity and self esteem consistent with the real self? Not too good, thank you. Wanna have a good time? Or cry? With me? Not that I would mind at all, but I gues it would make someone feel at least uncomfertable. And what about simultaneously having to deal with hopefully ex - bastards that engaged in such things. I can't solve everything, though again, it would seem again that it would help to win and be on top of all that.
I feel relatively lucky in some ways, because I can feel not subdued to non-people that at least professionally tried to get what is mine naturally, though arguably my family emotionally abused and betrayed me just the same. Nagh, they were quite insignificant for me for a decade already or so, mainly obligational visit stuff, so that doesn't count too much, either.
Just played Peter Gun (Emmerson, Lake and Palmer) from a borrowed pop classics CD. Ladies and gentlemen, at least some serious lengthy keyboard solo playing, and around a single pedal note. Would that be two analogs (I know Keith was involved in the modular Moog stuff) synths linked together with a CV link, or two oscilators, one with some portamento and a little glissando, or simply tight two hand playing (and one foot, I think I hear Taurus) ?
'Are friends electric', strange song, even liric fragments have with high level of detail stuck in my head for over 15 years or so.