Diary 27-2-99, and 1-3-99

Previous Diary Pages

First the real diary stuff, before I get sharp again after deciding at least not
to be pushing things too sharp. I did some soundstuff on the Mac resulting in
desire for some serious programs in non-demo version, steinberg (cubase)
would be fine, I've known just abotu every nut and bolt of the atari version, and
the demo version shows that that covers pretty much the essentials, still,
except for the sampling specific stuff. I folded back the audio output of the mac
to the audio input, to mpeg-ifise a piao recording, which is of course just about the
most stupid thing in pro audio land to do, but heh, it didn't seem to pull of the
internal feedback I'd planned. The same for recording the output of a audio generator
program, which couldn't even be tricked by audio feedback, whoever said a multi-tasking
OS is parallel ? I didn't.

More on the technical side of life, I've done some serious speaker shopping,
with as a result a seemingly high quality dome tweeter and dome squaker,
alas both last of stock. The 12 inch woofer I bought for about $50, with real nice
suspension and stiff cone, and not of the car-speaker kind I tested without
enclosure, and I think I like it. It lived only for one day, though... Not because I've
put my recently 300W amplifier supply to work at it a bit too hard, but simply
because the cone was pushed completely to the back by accident. Pity, but hey have
stock of it in the Hague. The fun part of course being that I'll get to cut the whole
thing open for examining the coil. The new speaker set seems to be up to more audio-
file listening as well, which goes nicely with the new system I'm making, and which is
sold allready. About $1000 for a decent PA alias more than moderate quality 'home'
system, of which about half is planned to be parts. Got some black coating finished
wood for the cabinets, the amp will be like what I've shown pictures of on my PA page,
except less knobs. I may hold six (!) power amps, each capable of about 100 Watts
true RMS continuous power (for electronic seperation filters), or I might simply stick
to single stereo when that sounds ok.
Also, I hooked up the 'moog' type filter with some (quick and dirty) oscilators, to
see what tat sounds like on a decent monitor system: yesss. Nice growly basses,
all kinds of effects, 'harmonic picking' in near oscilating mode, and all that without
a keyboard. I have a very small keyboard, of which I fitted one octave with precision
resistors to provide a control voltage, so now its time for the real vco's (as
on my simulation page) and some vca stuff to turn synth sounds into synth lines,
and see which circuitry I like best, I might dig up some Prophet circuits as well,
I think I like them as well for their distinguished brassyness. Checked another
music store for their interest in selling a true analog synth, and they were
Next focus point, apart from gallery related work (DTP, digital photographs, scanning,
art database, web servers), will be reviving my Z80 card. I've recently found very afforable and straighforward static128kbyte cmos rams (for battery back up),
and also I've tested my 5x7 segment displays, but first I'll get the card running some
decent software with it's keyboard and display IO capabilities, that shouldn't
be too hard, I had the whole thing on breadboard before.

I was ok to be in the Hague to do electronics shopping again, pity it is no beach
weather yet. I was at a house party last week, where I did loads of digital
photo's because the painterinstitute did 'life' model painting there, some turned out
nice. Strangely enough, I didn't find the atmosphere I expected from a rock or pop
concert, everything pretty clean, nothing much extreme, nice enough. But that music...
I couldn't fault it for being depressing or oppressive to goods spirits, but I think
I don't remember a single note, except for the MTV booth's clips... Of course that
need not be a judgement of value, but it does imply that I find incredibly boring,
when it is taken as listening music. Nice enough to dance a bit, or maybe as hightech
background, but almost completely boring. Come to think of it: high tech? Those filter
sweeps are pretty well known by now,. and frankly all those digital boxes an
software just don't understand that a filter tightly triggered to oscilators, VCA's and
lets us not forget: the beat, sweeping over a nice range with serious
resonance combined with some well chosen non-linearities do more to a sound
than simple oemps-woush-es that bore pretty much after a few times of almost the same. Not too hard to turn a few knobs over a few seconds interval, and it has not
too much to do with the fun/.magic/expression power of making music. Ans that
is a judgement of value. When you grow up on that you'll get a reality shock when ever
confronted with even a nice disco song. Hendrix would kill-em, I guess. Iagree that not everybody will like the harmonic content that exceeds a few minor/major chords
and 2-5-1's, but even house music can rock enough with some content, I'd say.
I know I did some pretty hefty major chord progressions on a tight down-, up- , and
back beat drum samples hacking away time, and still have the idea there was
something there that could even be sung to. Add some catchy bass lines, some fun samples, that should last long enough. I like to enjoy myself with music, so why not
write about what I feel is lacking.

I got myself a corner where I could bring together most of the things I'm working on,
so I don't need to grasp for tools that aren't there, parts that happen to be in another
place, go out to get some datasheets, or get things out of the way all the time.

I feel like not being included in person in what goes on around the things I'be been
forced to 'be about', meaning I'm sure a lot of things I've written and talked about
are relevant and talked about, except never straight with me. That is soe things,
but not the bigger picture, while information is absolutely essential to achieve some
of the things I want effectively. Feels a bit misrable, very stupid, sometimes
hurtfull/insulting, but mostly I just find it bad. Real bad. When it is true that
people suffer from abuse and torture in the ways I've read about, that should end.
Period. And if that is a major reason for people that I love to not realy want to be
near me, something should change. For real.

So: I could call a few of them, I think I have the numbers (altough only a few).
I wish it were so, because the ones I've contacted didn't want to get back at me.
So I could push it, and than what? Have them tell me: eh, the system (or whatever
the right name is) deemed it right to put them near people that shouldn't even love them
(or vice versa), and that seem to need to act as watch dogs to make sure their
family and I don't know is never going to be publicly exposed for the criminal
bastards that they realy are, and add to their fear of being wraped, tortured,
and blackmailed into undesired relations, by threatening with 'accidents' both for them and me? I hope I'm paranoid about this. But in everyday life a significant percentage
of (often strange) people seem ti find it more important to annoy me, walk in the
way, act like a general nuisance, and such. If I would have been a real bad guy,
I could take that as people wanting me to suffer because I've been bad.
If I would have made it my life's game to make other people's life hell, and
meek sure it stayes that way, I' d understand, too.

But I have NEVER been bad to anyone on puropse except when I thought it necessary
to correct a very big wrong, and still I would normally limit that to not bothering
about them, certainly never committed a crime, abused, wraped, tortured, or
blackmailed people, or even known about such a thing and not tred to change that.
So I an NOT a bad person. Never have been! Yet there appearently reasons
that I should not simply be taken for a good-wanting and capable of achieving person.
And in many respects not even as a decent citizen, and apparently not as
independent person, let alone as leading person. this I'm saying in general, that
is a perception that is directly linked with my family and previous 'friends'.
I take that as trying to cover their own behinds, and find it logical in a bad sense
than, absolutely unaccetable, and not realy personally harmfull (I had my own life),
but people that I guess know quite a lot about what is going on, and what i am about
that consciously chose to at least anoy me, leavy me wth only incredible
stupid and.or evil explanations. It may mean they don't ever want me to find out
what they've been up to or that somehow they think it is better to at least sidetrack
somebody like me. And that is stupid. And when that is also the reason that some
people that do effectively hurt me don't want to or dare to be near me, I find
that bad. Realy bad.

I don't blame someone who has been brought up in wrape, torture and hurt that
they have a hard time seriously talking about that with me, and even simply that some
chose to be with others, even when are real bastards, but when 'society' around
them uses that to get even more to them and me, that hurts, and makes me angry.

Expecially when it considers people that happen to call themselves christians.
That being true, I need to examplify why I've left every christian circle I've recently
been in touch with, because no doubt people will hold that against me.
The reason is very simple: they play the mystery game, but that i just don't like
and find representative of little self esteen and sense of pride in something good,
and on top of that refuse to do as they know their heavenly father wants. When you
call yourself a christian, communicate what you know God wants, and then simply
refuse to do it, and then expect me to respect you or een want to be in your circles,
you make a big mistake. A big one. When you're lucky, I'll try to put you straight,
when you're not, I'll just ignore you.

And those are nosneering remarks, or products of hurt pride, I write that to make
clear how I think, for real. Now you may think differently, but you'll have a hard
time telling me that my thinking needs correction. I do not want to continuously
forgive people that just want to be bad/evil/sinful, I certainly will not
accept any excuse (that's how I interpret it) that it is better to do the
will of 'the world' yourself, a little deamon, or whatever instead of Gods will,
and I do not want to be part of a christian circle that solits to find out wether
they can actually be strong enough to make God jeleous, or wether they can
blackmail him into their way of thinking. When you think like that: fuck you.
'Turn the other cheak?' 'Forgive my brother, 7x70 times', well lets put it this way:
when they know that absolutly horrible things go on with people i love, and
do not evven want to inform me of that, and still call themselves christians in the
same level of seriousness than I, than I repeat: fuck you. Then I'll mark you, and
will not converse with you, to have no part of your evil works, and I'll get
the hell away from your midst, as the Lord says (some solid bible quotes here).
And if (when) I find that people I considered my friends have double lifes
as abusers, even of people I love, or even abuse their own children, I don't feel like
seeing them anymore, except maybe in court, or to publicly expose them.

So get away from the world? Starting a convent may in some respects not be
a lame idea, but again I can tell christians that I can be very scriptural about things:
should I be completely out of everything that has something to do with these kinds of
things: than I would have to leave the world. I am supposed to leave somebody when
they are like that and call themselves a brother. And if that would leave me
as the only 'christian' without any communinion in that sense? Than I guess I'll
invite the whores and the beggars, and i don't know who else and have a nice party
without the christian label. That of course is a misquote, or a misinterpretation,
but I guess the point is clear.

Stuff for a diary? Yes, because it bothers me. It realy does.
I'm pretty sure that some people I at least like (-ed) are not with me in even
any form because of this kind of bullshit. And i don't feel like ignoring the right
causes of things.

Which brings me to another question I had, can just say: I like this and that person,
and not so and so, and for instance use as a criterion that I find a girl/woman
attractive? I don't just mean physically, although that too, but added to that
that I like them, feel happy with them, would like to spend time / sleep /have sex
(in any order) with them? This question bothered me, though not realy anymore.

Is that a legalist calvinist in me? Maybe that had to do with it, though I think my
calvinist side has more to do with it that I must consciously deal with my plans
and time schedules to be about what I feel like and what fits me instead of as mainly directed at 'work'. I'm sure though that the way I was probably made to feel and think when
I was consciously involved with being a christian, where I thought that sort of attraction
was not at all wrong, but would be in place only in pretty circumstances, which
I at that point never sufficiently encountered.

It didn't occur to me that when God does a little earth channel zapping He'd probably
enjoy it better to see people happy, or at least (or both) being in enjoyable
circumstances (and than I mean for real and for all involved parties), and that
He did not exactly forget or put in lower ranking places the kind of feelings
one can have as I just described.
Though I agree that there is probably a major chalenge in doing so, from
a superficial perspective. From a core perspective, I'd say it has to do with what is real.
I recently did some thinking on 1Cor 13 (biblical passage on 'love') and concluded that
what it sais there is not a goal or challenge, but simply an observation. in other
words when love of the kind that is meant there is at hand, it will exhibit those
properties, as a kind of proof of the fact that it is about the way things (people)
realy are, and not some presented image.

I guess the world is different, and can capture people quite thoroughly to be what
they're not, or simply because they're not good. For some that I have known I know that
the former holds for essential parts of them, and it makes me angry that especially
christians, who should know more than anybody that that is so, and who should be
so aware of their privilige to be 'legally' freed from that, that can have gratitude
for having a heart of flesh (instead of stone) and that as reasanoble answer to that
lead lives that do justice to the God that made this possible at the expense of his own
son, are the ones that seem to want to fuck with that (NOT excuse me for the expression)
the most, and on purpose. Why? Because they fear the world system and its wannabee god
more? Shame on them. Pity for some real victims, and sadening for those who honestly
seek solid doctrine and haven't received much of it (yet). But if you chose to stay
with a christianity that seems to think it is best to fuck with everything God gave
(and then not in the 'amen' way, see my translation pages, but in the negative sense
of the word), then there is nothing much i can do. Fear god the most or fear whatever
else the most is a choice I can not force somebody to make in favor of the in my opinion
only sensible fashion. Appearently,
I'm talking as christian here, if /when you're not, I'd say it still makes senses that
ritual torture, being bad to one another, and all other forms of evil are just that:
evil, and that the only question is what heavenly (or wordly) reasons there are
to stay with that. My answer (in general) is that I'm pretty sure that man is by nature
burdened with a nature that has an inclination towards evil. And that Gods gift
concerns exactly that problem, which he (and I'm pretty sure he alone, considering the
quite obvious rubbish of all other religions I did delve into to some degree at some point in time) solves by giving people a new life/heart.

And imo (and I'd say in his opinion as well), when you mess with that, you'e gonna be
in trouble. Rightly so. With me, or, worse, with God. Assuming he exists, of course.
When he does exist, I assume he is the way he writes about himself, and that he
cannot just be imagined into any form that happens to be the product of a persons
deranged image of him. i'm serious: IF he exists, he is a certain way, and therefore
not another way, 'I am who i am' is along those lines, i guess. When you're almighty,
there no need to be political, or careful about the image of yourself, unless you want
to hide the fact that you're a cheat, which would be contrary to a lot of scripture
(Jesus claiming "I am the way the thruth and the life', for instance), and practical
experience, and to the logic of many desirabilities proclaimed and professed in
(early) christianity: holyness as being not integral part of the worlds miserable
ways, mercy and grace as principles, the capability of unfeigned love as ridiculing
the taking of faces, and a God that bears witness of His approval by the results
his followers show. For real. And even supernatural. And including the thusfar
undefeatable phenomenon of death, that is when it can be believed that christ
defeated death, for which there is ample, also historic reason.
So we have something that is good, powerfull, 'winning' (of evil), mercifull
and gracefull, interesting (it wasn't stupid even in the sense that fundamental
sciences needn't be, even when they talk about the structure of the universe or other rahter
high spun subjects), and free, against corruption, misery, destruction, lies, and
temporalness. Easy choice.

Again, the reason this is diary stuff, is that I was serious about these things, for years,
and when I saw reason to not be too strict about all that, I can come to only one conclusion:
it is simply true, and that bothers me, in more than one way.

I've always considered these things being of a sort of embarrisingly base level, and
since nobody in my environment at that time ever discussed these type of topics,
I didn't either. For some part because it seemed kind of raising dismay: I have this
great gift, and somebody else doesn't (the heaven/hell antithesis, though that didn't
bother me in that sense), and partly it was
because simply put I didn't feel happy about all parts of my life, so how was I going to
say that its all worth it? I didn't realize how much reason some people had to resist
in every way they could think of to resist what I considered important. The best way to
put it is that I didn't realize what the main angle of the gospel was, that the things I knew
about in some form (evil, idem for 'the world system', the heavenly, but then
without consciously interacting with other people) were so profound, and that so
much misery of a very non-theoretical form was connected with it.

I've quite recently had people tell me that I should join street corner preaching, and
that if I didn't do that, I wasn't a good disciple (let alone apostle!), and I'm not sure
of it, but I think I might even end up in hell for it.

Street corner preaching.
'I preach you Jesusehh'

Fine, but: Why?

'Because you (and I) have sin-nedehh'

Ok, i can relate to that, I know I'm not all good, and I knew I wasn't up to God or his
standards, to put it, althoug frankly I'd say that solid doctrine and serious intentions
have led to a 'me' that I'm not ashamed about. I'n not sure about every choice, and
I don't always do what I see right, but I don't qualify as bad. I think I realy don't. Not
that unholy either, even mosly friendly, and quite capable of reproof, doctrine, etc.

I was talking about street preaching, or the more direct marketing kind of
approach to fish down more potential double-tith producers, preferably in the higher
income range,

So what do I say: 'Jesus can save you of prostitution'?
I'm sure he can. Than what do I say, can he also change the incredible shithole
some people will have to crawl out of? Very possible. Does that mean I need to run
an add campaign, a holy demagogy to make people his followers (or even my own).
I think that s not the main point: I have to have something to offer, something real,
something to the point, and something I mean.

I have listened to people speaking and singing about their faith in Jesus, to use
that expression, and even though I'm sure they weren't all good, I bought it. Mind
you, not all of them, but I bought it.

Try the opening song of Jimi Swaggarts 'Live from Nashville' (83 or so, vinil).
I read his biography, and I think he means the heart of it. Sure beats Hendrix.
It didn't convert me, but it sure could have. That's simple, to the point, and meant.
I've seen footage (inchage is probably a better term refering to video) of Bill Graham
(Not an evangalist but an apostle, if he would dare to admit it), where he
preaches his gospel, which I'd say contentwise (doctrinewise) is pretty much Christs
gospel, though probably limited, I don't think He would/could write letters with
down to earth descriptions of the heavenly things that should form the core of practical
christian life.

No 'people faaaalllling under the powwerrrrrr', just 'you are a sinner, Christ gave himself
to save you, you can ask Him in your heart, for yourself, quitely, and he will save you,
once and for all (I'm not sure he adds that)
by restoring the ability to be in touch with You new heavenly father, and when you want
bear witness of it by coming formward' sort of approach.
Solid, except for the fact that a tract is not enough to let people understand what
will happen in them (see Romans, e.g.) , meaning they will need good doctrine,
not 'all those loving mss jones'es', but good information on what the bible (thus
hopefully God) has to say about life's major issues: death, His life, the heavenly and
its power distribution, how to learn to 'put on the new man', etc., and for the fact
that the major areas of life that I too wass ill-informed about need filling in:
what about relationships and sexuality?

I think that the mere existance of a type of community that calls itself christian
while making those areas more unholy, destructive, miserably corrupted, liarish
and mean is probably the biggest insult and therefore blashphemy of the real god on the
face of this earth. And when I found christ, I wasn't even aware of that, though I
did read about it, theoretically, but didn't link it with worse kinds of organized abuse
and torture than I still can imagine. I didn't even dream it was possible that would exist
on any serious scale. Alas.

That brings me to the heart of matter: it wasn't until a few years ago that I was
prompted to these kinds of combined grave sexual, emotional, and power abuse forms,
and that I started to consider it possible, and even read about its existence
that I realized that those kind of things were the major subjects of the gospel.
Thats what te fuzz was about, too! That made clear why there were so many passages
in the bible that didn't seem to talk to me, and when i found out that some
of the ones that made me wonder were actually a wrong translation, it started to
dawn on me that a gospel encomprising all this is not just very to the point, it is
probably the only way out for a lot of people.

But when you F*@*%#*# corrupt it, you potentially doing so much harm that II
will have no problems ruling you out of everything I can have an effect on.
When little people are abused to the point of nearly dying, are robbed of every
bit of private feelings, and have no possibility to have something good in life
that isn't made dirty of messed with, a real faith in Christ can save them, possibly
even in the literal sense of the word. When you mess with that you're in
trouble. When you base your F&$#*^ S87$^# 'religion' on doing both and call on
others to do the same, I might kill you. When you do something punishable for
law enough to make me act in replacement self defense, of course. Or when
i am at war. When somebody would have been stupid enough (from their point of view)
to introduce me to a 'session' (or whatever word I should use 'murder and wrape scene'
is probably a better one, to prevent 'satanist sacrifice' sort of terminology, because
I think that confuses the matter: everbody (also me, but only excluding jesus) is
a child of the devil through natural birth, fuck it, I'd say), where little (or big)
children are wraped, slaughtered, and killed, would better first remove all
heavy objects and search me for guns, because if I would see that happen I'd kill
you. I'd bash your head so hard because of the mistake you'r about to make that
I'd preferably finish you of. For good. And IImean literal. And physical.

And if you have the nerve to call anything that is even loosely affiliated with that
christian, I'll use all means at my disposal to expose you, using everything right
until the constitution to get you out of the way.
And when you accuse me of not being a good christian when I don't at least
pay tribute to all that by proclaiming it quite to most powerfull thing: FUCK YOU.
I have news for you: I know of a more powerfull concept, even a very practical one!
It is effective, automatic, hasn't failed yet, and is unbribable: its called death.
It would be interesting to ask these type of very NON-christians about 15 minutes or
so before they die wether they still think those kind of things are the most powerfull
concept on the whole world. And wether they realy think that a wannabee god that
needs the sacrifice of little children to get its pityfull measure of power is realy
capable of saving them from eternal death.

On the nice side of things: there are some nice webcams out there, for a varyety of moods.
Is he having trouble concentrating? Nope. I'm quite sure the non-moral minority
of a certaintype of christians will find it an intolerable infringment of there own
sucking power circles that people can get on the internet and find out a whole lot
of what they may want to see about people, their lives, and even their sex lifes.
I like it.
It won't replace actual relations, although I have the impression that I could put the
truthfullness of one of a few of the sites that I saw up against the combined
truthfullness of many christian circles I've recently been exposing myself to
(and vice versa, but I'm in the information gathering phase, so with measure,
that will fool them, let them read what I think on hte internet), one against many
would win easily. Fuck em.

It sais in revelation: 'And there shall be joy in heaven when the great whore shall
be brought down, made naked and devoured, and the merchands stood afar of:
alas alas the great babylon (Rome + affeliates) has fallen' (loose but piecewise
reasonable quote). Joy in heaven over destruction! Of a religious system!
And lets not be pityfull about it: it was about Rome as the new incarnation of
the babylonic religeous system: very bad. And everyone int hose days knew
that that is the city thats addressed ' the city on the seven hills'.

That tells me that the real god gave warnings, serious ones, and that people that
realy didn't give a shit about me don't listen to such warnings. So why would I
bother? When somebody doesn't want to listen, i'm not going to bother, unless
I realy like them. Theoretically, i could see that as my calling. In practice I'll
focus on people that do want something good, unless I'm told otherwise, and do
everything, including actual war, to stop the kinds of abuse that I've been made aware
of, though unfortunately not (yet) in actual words.

When Dutroux (Belgium child abuser and killer) has counterparts or accomlices
in gouvernmetn circles, that means I'll think about how much I consider that
God-given, just as I have no problem wishing parents dead when I have to think
that they deserve so. And it means I have no problem with non-persons that
even think that those kind of things are even a kind of justifiable religion ending
up dead. I know 'thou shalt not kill'. I also know: thou shalt not lie, and: thou shalt
love thy god whit all thy heart mind and soul, and thy neighbour has thyself.
Bang, dead. It would be better for them. Jesus said. Tough choice: let them fill their
measure of unrighteouness, so they will be judged to worse hell, or spare their
victims that. For me it would be a simple choice: let them die. God appearently either
thinks (quite possible, I'm not God) otherwise, or, as with other things, put takes
the concept of responsability serious, so people should judge these kind of practices,
and just as the Romans did show at times that death realy is more powerfull than
any satanist, fake religion, or mafioso criminal gang.

Nice? No. Neither is the book of one of the victims of non-people with certain
ideas of how little girls must comply with their sadist desires. Very un-nice.
I still can't realy graps the idea of having been relatively close to people that
have undergone the same.

What am I gaing to say: 'I preach you Jesus'? Yeah, right.
In fact, that makes sense, but I don' t think that my prime target should be
to convince them of their sinfulness and their need for salvation.
They've probably experienced more of the heavenly and the need for literal salvation
in one night then i ever have.
Although I have come to think more and more about it that it IS about Jesus, who
he is (imo), what he stands for, the power his words and spirit can have, in a very
practical sense. And about spiritual gifts: healing, casting out of deamons, and
setting people free of bondages: by the truth both in direct meaning as in the
meaning of solid doctrice about the divine order of things.

Starting to sound like some mormon or I don't know what. 'The divine order of
things', where does he get it. Next think you know is going to pray for
a merceded benz.
Seriously though, some things I was very serious about as a christian, and even though
I didn't have an inclin as to what the sexual in a broader sense should/could be and
for many is about, I was right! Honesty towards one-self, testing one's
purposes for their compliance with Gods will, and learning to live in the
newness of spirit that
makes one truly loveable and loving (not in a stupid halelujah fuck the real
things god would want - way), finding the 'ministry' (occupation God intended for
a person in the body of christ, as all true (oeps, potentially sectarian expression
here) believers) and gifts to heal and bless and set others free with.
Sounds a bit dry, but the essence seems ok.

Start a church, Verelst? PHHHHFF. Seriously.
I've considered the options, apart from assessing the possibilities at that time
of even being able to do so, and again what I thought is the same: it is very much
about what faith was about for me: honestly want to live according to
the new man, and do as god wants (assuming I have a secure way of funding that out).
If I would have followers as I was, I'd be incredibly dangerous to just about
everything 'that IS', and produce loads of good things, I'm quite sure, especially
because at least I have some idea of the parts that seemed missing back then.
Thats a good self-test of a 'system' or organism, i think: does it have good rules and
purposes, doesn it live by it, and can it afford to do so, preferably eternally.

So what about it when you were enslaved in as many ways as they could think of
to your own family since when you're five, live in constant fear of being wraped,
torured, messed with, have your secret children undergo the same, and on top
of it need to whore with gouvernment menbers to be anything at all?

'I preach you Jesus'


Me, you, Jesus. For real ? It would better be. Freedom? Ha! Of what? Of the world. Of
so called fathers and mothers and family that aren't, of relationships that aren't
for real 'your' husband or your wife, of a system that is all about that.
Through what? Through death in the straightforward meaning of the word: seperation.
Jesus died of that world, in thoughts (as an identification), so do I, and with
Him, God restores His life to me in another, good, way. Not a ritual, but a line of
thinking. Using that as the basis to play a whore with in that sense means that you try
to abuse the good things you have recieved of Him in faith to enrich yourself,
to gain power over others, to abuse relationships, and play games instead of being real.
Being real, at least for yourself in some forms of slavery seems almost like an unbearable
torture in itself to me, it would better be God who can make that possible.

My gospel? I'd think its an invention of about 20 centuries old.

How about a little church communion where we sing some nice hymns (some I like
for real, so not cynical), have some nice little rituals (pretty cynical), share
our lives (?!), praise Jesus (as there is reason to), or mourn about our misery
and inner dividedness as an upbeat to getting out of that (idem), get a nice sermon
(With THAT background ?!?!?!), i.q. have meetings with serious exchange of solid
information concerning the god that seems to make some things possible,
play some hendric to get realy into hating certain things say our prayers and
collect our uzi's, oh and bedroom webcams on the way out to do some serious
correctional work in society.
Oeps, got a but unseriously carried away here.
I forgot some of the incredibly powerfull funk, rock and definately fusion music, the
fact that civil wars need carfull planning to be effective and prevent unneccessary
causualties on the wrong side, and that challenging everything that 'IS' (still bothers me
the there is talk of something that 'is not, will be, and will not be', is that this
sort of stupid 'oneness to be against something good' sort of thing I've regularly
sensed? or simply a buch of bastards that try to shield the lies I'm unkowingly poking
at ?) requires solid thinking as to how to deal with victims and subordinates of some
real death-worthy liars, that may be put in danger.
Oh, and arms are usually illegal in holland, and shooting to kill certainly is punishable
by law, and not nice, so I shouldn't preach that.

I'm serious, still, so I'll need to add some more thoughts on this. First: I think it can
be a very powerful and effective thing to meet with fellow believers 'in christ's name,
and think things that are good, have space for gifts of the Holy Spirit (no nonsense,
it must work for real, no sceances, every lie is a lie, no scenes, no bullshit), i know
for a fact that people can simply and lastingly be set free of quite oppressive deamons
in the name of jesus (again: no scenes, secrecy or mess, inthe bible there was simply a
command that can be repeated for the pests to leave, and than the authority (proper term)
of Jesus' name makes that actually happen), and both that and healing in many forms
is supposed to be the sign that God realy is in what a certain people do, according to
the rules recorded in the bible, and not the amount of money collected, the sheer multitude
of converts (of whatever to whatever), or height gained in some hierarchy.

And about the war thing: when it is true that certain gouvernments are populated with
non-people that not only condone but take part in that very young and older children are
wraped, tortured, humiliated, sold as whores, and even make use of these kind of services,
they can expect me to go at any length to rule them out. and if there isn't a single
place free of that, and therefore it is induced that that isn't possible, than I still
see no reason not to try, and there are ample legal ways to bring that about, and as soon
as that doesn't work, going to war is remaining (society-wise, that means apart from
faith-wise) option. And quite frankly, I don't think I need to defand that point of
view, especially not towards that kind. They can sue me for having made war, if they live
to tell, not for considering the option. I wouldn't be preparing a crime, but a serious
correction involving greater criminals than I would be if I did.

I've thought about scripture in that respect. Death is realy all over, ever check Romans?!
Golly, its all over the place, it even sais 'death reigned as king from Adam onward', I agree!
Lets praise the incredible horrible, nearly almighty power of death over all evil, I could
say, to make fun of people that seem to consider satanist (definition of temrms is
desired), 'the system', or I don't know what other power so amazingly awesomely (byword!)
great. I think it all ends with death. So death is more powerful. period. Suckers.
But that wouldn't be nice, there are people in circumstances where that would hurt.
I could add that even when I was in quite miserable circumstances I still felt
the same, so at least I'm consistent, but there are people that would hurt when I just
said that. The kind of tortures (weak word for it) I've read about, let alone the ones
I didn't even read about are so incredible, that I wil not in any way deny that people
suffer incredibly of these type of things. Realy indredibly.

But I sustain that all the more it is important to assess the situation.
When people suffer like that for religions' sake, it IS important for them to know
that some relatively pityfull deamon that eases their mind may be very short of what
the almighty god has to offer. And the reason I make fun is that i realy think that following
a bodyless spirtual entity that needs those kind of things to have some power is a rather
pityfull idea. It sucks. Therefore I will not take it as realy being something else
than it is, which compared to the God that I fear is pretty small. Near nothing in
comparison with God, possibly not in comparison with man (I don't fear that, though),
but already in comparison with death.