Latest: 19 April 1999
I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.
Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes familiy, christianity, and othercheats. The simple reason is that it may well by that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of mymaterials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as manyreferences to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changinga iota or tittel...
And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong
that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure
I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement
on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called uponusto respect
the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a
thing. Lying, imagine that.
Every now and then I'l take some interesting sentences apart, just for the fun and practice of it.
On the more important side of things, sometimes I think I lived on mars until some years ago, and that the world in some respects is pretty nuts. I've read about (as I wrote before) a girl in Holland who has at least gotten her parents (though not police officers, gouvernment people, doctors, and others) in prison for abusing her (physically and emotionally) in ways that are hard to even describe without feeling bad, being wraped by 'family' (what an unbiblical concept, btw) members from very young onward on a very regular basis, being pregnant almost continually from 9 to 17 or so (what happened after?) being tortured by being hit, kicked, thrown down the stairs, electrified in the most sensitive body parts, cut open, pierced, burned, eating shit, having her babies tortured, cut to pieces that she had to eat and killed, right after they were unnaturally born, being made a slave-prostitute for up to dozens of men per day (with her parents making tons of money), including similar and other tortures, being laughed at when she tried to inform her school director, being dragged behind a car so she almost bled to death, being nearly chocked to death as part of regular sexual practices forced on her, being drugged, having her early born children taken away from her to unknown destinations including closets with the possible purpose of killing them later, made part of all kinds of rituals, so much that I can't imagine I've actually seen her being 'interviewed' (damn it, what a word) on TV some years ago, and actually looking quite fine and together. I hadn't read the book yet, which was written with a lot of formal backup, so I believe what it sais without any exception, but when I did, I didn't know what to think except that people wanting to be involved in creating this kind of complete misery deserve to die, preferably beforehand, and without any ado, and how inpossible it is for me to imagine how she feels. And what a corage and emotional strength she must have had to get at least somewhat away from that.
And how much I want to stop that from happening, especially as I understand that she is hardly the only one, that there are probably even worse things, and that, and that was even harder to picture, some girls that I have known, and even know have been victims of such types of tortures.
I don't know what to say abou that. That I'm sorry that happended? That I would like to give something instead? That I want to prevent as much as possible that it furter happens, with others, and possibly even their children? That for that I'd go to war and use all possible means to stop that? That Jesus can heal a person like that? Easy for me to say. I don't doubt that He can, since I simply assume God is almighty (though I've never seen him, so how do I know), but that what does that mean? I know for sure that the gospel as we can read it had everything to do with these kinds of situations, and that the fact that it was so succesfull must be accredited also to its power to heal and make free, and change people. Is that still the same now? I think so. How? By prayer and healing sessions? By institutional means? By churches (ggmmppff).
Or by people that at least haven't defiled themselves with that or truly, wholeheartedly, verifiably and lastingly converted from it that live lives that show what human life, love, purposes, emotional modes of operation, and everything else can be realy made of, and that have enough love and care to give, and authority to act with to make at least some difference. And maybe even have sex in a at least remotely loving, dignified, fun, meaningful, and definately honest way, to change the image of that to what the creator must have had in mind as at least acceptable, and preferably nice. Assuming there is such thing as a creator and that we are not the incredibly improbable result of randomly seeded operations in a quantum computer type of device running the life program for a mere rediculously few millions of years, without any such thing as God to interact with its darwinistic computations. That in turn are based on a completely random choice of algorithm, of course, that doesn't work to well, either, because a living world that didn't genetically rule out members of a species that work out such an amount of destruction and misery is not an acceptable example of a nature optimizing its struggle and expecially not the not formally determined purpose of it: life.
And the probability of your and my brain and attached body crawling out the depth of some ocean in the hilariously short timespan it has taken us on any geological scale can safely be assumes negligable, even assuming the age of the universe. Though of course, we can be part of a cosmic oscilation that iterates around life forms such as hours already for all eternity, and just happens to have put us in a remote corner of its consciousness. Or whatever it is that connects living species up.
Al this just to indicate that I haven't wasted my time before having at least some evidence of the amount of shit that has been piled up around my life and that of at least some people I want to love, and most likely in some amount around everybody. I know my Popper (famous phylosopher of science, e.g. 'Logic der Forschung'): everything that is assumed to be true is true until proven not to be true.
I knew the world and myself were 'bad', in some way, i.e. different
from what God had intended. Not in the seven days of creation, which in
Genesis are definately not written in a sense that they were the start
of the earth and the universe, but merely a re-creation (... the earth
NOW was void and...), and most probably have been maltranslated a lot more
severly, I was assured of that by native hebrew speakers, too, but according
to the rules of conduct as my moderately protestant upbringing tought me:
thou shalt, etc. I knew I broke at least some of those commandments at
times, and that it wasn't even about just that, but that there was a God
the Father up there that was righteous, just and good, incredibly big and
powerfull, maybe luckily very far away, but hopefully listening to prayers,
and absolutely holy, of course.
At least, I always assumed that, knowing the historically not to fictuous stories about Israel, and the other biblical 'stories'. That was the image I had, somehow, and that is what the bible seemed to tell me, even without having a personal experience that would enable me to actually be the way I at least knew it must have been intended, and then better still!
Not sinning in the sense of being able to keep the well known commandments (some of which were even copied by muslims, though hardly implemented in an even remotely honest way) is not the same as being able to like oneself, the way one sees and feels life, and being able to produce real good fruits, in many ways.
A psalm says 'I delight in thy law and commandments'. That is hardly the same as sighing and just not steppin gover certain lines. It's more like 'rejoicing in the Lord always' (not in the earth), wihtout having to pump oneself up to it.
Jesus told a spiritual leader of his days an at that time not understood story about being 'born agian', that is that a man (or a woman, for that matter) needs to be born again before he can even see the kingdom of God. With that he meant that everybody up until that time was living as mankind had become through the fall of Adam (whoever that was, he seems to have lived in a tracible area in the middle east between the eufrate and tigris), whem he broke Gods rule. Every human being (non-ape or something, historically it seems that around that time there were unexplicibaly fast developments in brain and social (amoung others agricultural cooperation) development, leaving tracers of evolutionary pace in the dark for explanations, while even the heat distribution and control of the brain may have enabled such developments) afterwards has no means of direct communication with God, and society and its menbers deteriorate at a more or less rapid pace because of that fact.
The result is described in Pauls letter Romans 3 (Paul didn't ask for it to find Christ, mind you, he was on his way to please his fellow scribes by doing serious damage to those blasted un-lawful/unreligeous chirstians, when Jesus blinds him, and tells him it must be hard for him to kick against the dicks, before he reveals His identity, and leaves him at the merci of exactly those christians to listen to the Holy Spirit to look him up and help him further in his sudden (physical) blindness) I'll quote it, because it seems to makes more sense in the above context:
(first some talk abou the differnce betweens jews
Rom 3:1 What advantage then hath the Jew? or what profit [is there] of circumcision?
Rom 3:2 Much every way: chiefly, because that unto them were committed the oracles of God.
Rom 3:3 For what if some did not believe? shall their unbelief make the faith of God without effect?
3:4 God forbid: yea, let God be true, but every man a liar; as it is written,
That thou mightest be justified in thy
sayings, and mightest overcome when thou art judged.
3:5 But if our unrighteousness commend the righteousness of God, what shall
we say? [Is] God unrighteous who
taketh vengeance? (I speak as a man)
Rom 3:6 God forbid: for then how shall God judge the world?
Rom 3:7 For if the truth of God hath more abounded through my lie unto his glory; why yet am I also judged as a sinner?
Rom 3:8 And not [rather], (as we be slanderously reported, and as some affirm that we say,) Let us do evil, that good maycome? whose damnation is just.
Rom 3:9 What then? are we better [than they]? No, in no wise: for we have before proved both Jews and Gentiles, that theyare all under sin;
(this is the piece:)
Rom 3:10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:
Rom 3:11 There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God.
Rom 3:12 They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, notone.
Rom 3:13 Their throat [is] an open sepulchre; with their tongues they have used deceit; the poison of asps [is] under theirlips:
Rom 3:14 Whose mouth [is] full of cursing and bitterness:
Rom 3:15 Their feet [are] swift to shed blood:
Rom 3:16 Destruction and misery [are] in their ways:
Rom 3:17 And the way of peace have they not known:
Rom 3:18 There is no fear of God before their eyes.
3:19 Now we know that what things soever the law saith, it saith to them
who are under the law: that every mouth
may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God.
3:20 Therefore by the deeds of the law there shall no flesh be justified
in his sight: for by the law [is] the knowledge
Rom 3:21 But now the righteousness of God without the law is manifested, being witnessed by the law and the prophets;
3:22 Even the righteousness of God [which is] by faith of Jesus Christ
unto all and upon all them that believe: for
there is no difference:
Rom 3:23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
(and the solution:)
Rom 3:24 Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:
Rom 3:25 Whom God hath set forth [to be] a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for theremission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God;
3:26 To declare, [I say], at this time his righteousness: that he might
be just, and the justifier of him which believeth
3:27 Where [is] boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? of works? Nay:
but by the law of faith.
(taken from blue letter internet bible, handy enough: searching facilities, comments, though you'd better check solid greek and hebrew lexicons as well before blindly trusting the various comments they provide)
Apart from the shakespearian language, pretty clear stuff. Sometimes I like the almost archaic language, especially when it is functional, for instance when it says things like: And the Holy Spirit spoke, saying: ..... . Just a small diversion. It would seem to make people prepared to listen, at the edge of their seat to hear something realy profound uttered after that. Sort of countering commercial-induced types of zap-attention, and making clear that if there is such a person as the almighty God you'd better damn well listen when He starts speaking. Solid enough thinking about authority.
Another short (word-wise) excursion: whats 'authority'? I'd say it is the application of a kind of power that is backed-up by the highest instance. A policeman has authority to apprehend and imprison a wrapist, for instance, and when he speaks in that authority, he's got the states' constitution, the rest of the police force, and the justice department, and possibly even the army, to back up what he sais. When in the gospels it sais the Jesus spoke with authority, it wasn't just that he wasn't a sucker type of teacher, but that his speach was accompanied by power.
To heal, for instance, but also to cast out deamons. That is why it is important to know that all people that found Him have this authority also, and that every deamon is subdued to the name of Jesus, and that the authority that he had has been given to believers as well, and can be used to cast them out. Similar to a policeman commanding a criminal to come out. In fact, the same holds for the dominion over the world: knowledge about authority is required to act according to the will of the Holy Spirit in the knowlegde that even the still evil world system is legally Christ's, because he overcame death and of course the devil, and that the heavenly authority supersedes the 'natural' order of things. So police-ing in the spiritual is the apropriate term with respect to the legal spiritual state of things: Christ already has the official position of being above all powers and authorities, he doesn't need to acquire that over the backs of believers, that power is given to Him by God the Father, who has complete and utter dominion over everything that 'is' including the satan, and every spiritual and human being. Applying that authority, only in a 'legal' (i.e. in line with Gods will) sense of course, is an essential part of a christians' life, and without that knowledge, unnecessary defeats are likely to happen, especially later on, as growth will require more conscious and mature action.
Of course this kind of teaching is solid, and may be absed on lies, or simply untrue: I consider it true unless proven to be untrue. I've had no reason for that yet, though I ofter am very much and deliberately questioning who I am following. It is sort of calvinistic -protestant teaching to, lets say it part of the larger portion of it that wasn't bad at all, and that drove us away at quite a speed from the horrible oppression of the catholic chirch in the middle ages, at least. Thats proof by looking at the fruits, which may be the only tangible way to proof spiritual things, apart from direct perception. And can be pretty strong proof, considering the way the early life after the apostles' teaching must have been: people miraculously healed and set free, freed from prison, gotten back from death, even, no problems with possesions and poverty, the Holy Spirit judging (probably bad) lies immedeately with death, and a life that was appearenty harmoneous and filled enough to make the outside world speak highly of them, and apearently even enough to in the end be official rulers of the roman empire, without using means to conquer that power or oppress subjects into being given that (though probably things were pretty mixed up already by then, its still a remarkable religion that pulls that of).
I write about all that (the subject of solid doctrine, and the reasons
to focus also on the perifierals that profoundly influenced my thinking,
and were decisive reasons to want to go along with the type of doctrine,
and not with other types of people) because I think these subjects make
very clear waht has formed my thinking long before I knew what type of
suffering is inflicted even on some people I would personally want to love,
and because I think it is essential for people that find Christ (or have
an interest) to be aware of these things because I consider them absolutly
essential for a healty development of everybody that wants to live according
to His will. And I mean that seriously. Becoming a personal christion,
that is accepting christ, and preferably wanting to do His will after that
(though not doing that will never make you lost again, ever, no matter
what evil you do, you would miss out on all the more good things he undoubtably
has in store for you on the relevant side of life if you can't or don't
want to follow him after you found him, assuming of course you know what
he want, which is another profound subject in itself, that should be subdued
to serious testing as well) is the biggest change in a human life that
can happen, it changes someone from a son or daughter of evil to child
of God, and therefore requires serious care. It was the prime and major
consideration to want to start some kind of organized form of eduction
of this kind, without having a clue for whom, and especially who could
staff it in a genuine way.
What has all this to do with pictures of naked women?
Good question, every even moderately edified public speaker could reply.
And it is a relevant question, because the major problem I see now with
my prior (maybe better put: previous) christian life has been the lack
of knowledge of both the problems with the sexual (as above) and the right
way to look at biblical teachings on that area.
Luckily, I never had a problem seeing my studies or solid work as part of a good christian life, so I only lost some of my records and quite some tapes in an attempt to get rid of undesirable (read: unchristian) materials. A (rightfully and correctly) assumed that I needed to make clear choices for the one that I wanted to follow, and made that clear for myself. I'm sure it saved me a lot of personal problems, but some records would have been nice to hear again, even if it were only to find that they were a lot more truthfull and discerning than a lot of the 'christians' I've wasted my attention on. What the hell, I can buy em on CD now. Lost some pretty sharp compilations and mixes though, I was pretty good with two (mechanical) cassete deck pause buttons and my home built mixer. In fact there may still be some actual cut audo tapes around, with real mechanical cuts, that is (i used cheap cellotape, but it worked fine).
So what's the answer? I reckon that I've never realized that the sexual is such a good measurement of mans' (and woman's) nature and capabilities. Of nature, because it communiactes probably in the most direct way what you about, of capabilities, because you will be taken for who you are and what you can achieve, form or give place, without anything to hide behind (onless you want to master the skill of lying, which will be seen though by a child).
Oh and did I mention I happen to like them? Not all of them, ind you,
but the ones of which I indicate so. To be with, live with, touch, sleep
with, have sex with. Bad? Must be married? Impossible? Stay tuned.