Theo Verelst Diary Page

Fri Apr 13 15:07:39 2001

I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes family, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is that it may well be that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.

Previous Diary Entries

Fri Apr 13 15:07:31 2001

An example of a bwise canvas with some digitised images as function blocks, one prepared for animation, the upper led of the piece of circuit board with 8 leds for bus monitoring has a yellow ound top piece which can easily change color by a tcl command, possibly as part of a simulation. Unfortunately, cutting from images I now have to do in 16 colors, which makes for miserable quality, but I was trying out these things because it could make quite good presentations, maybe on the web, I guess with scss or something the whole canvas can be made into a web page without too much difficulty, though I'm not sure.

At least some simple scripts should find no hard way to their javascript equivalent, and that at least would make for the same as this can be on the web: a good demonstration vehicle. If I have opportunity again, I could even put synth front pannel elements (like the keyboard and the displays) on, and make the thing work in virtual space, at some point this stuf can be convicing and certainly instructive. A manual on multimedia CD never hurts, too.

And when making circuits, I think it can pay to make some more graphical elements, I guess I'll think about some procedures to do instancing (in oo language) or various types automatically and easily, maybe some electronics parts, too, at least the synth blocks. I'm thinking about the link with C code, mainly to make synth simulations automatically from a bwise structure, which is possible various ways, but doing it as straightforward, efficient and general as possible is sort of the challenge.

Is it fun to put on pictures of the hardware parts I have, and make a simulator that actually works? Probably, I was wondering about that, too, I'm not sure how much work I want to put in, but I digged up code for a Z80 simulator even, and when I'm making some resources again, some good enough digitisations of maybe even various chip pictures shouldn't be a problem, so the whole thing could be graphically represented at various levels and from various angles, and I guess I could also link the whole machine in a simulator, to have direct links with the actual hardware, which presentationwise can be strong, and quite generally applicable. For microprocessor stuff that is good, but I guess if I'd use the latest technology things get more competative, so I'm thinking. I can load programs and data in the Z80 directly from a bwise block, also automatically, no problem, and call the assembler, and even I've tried child processing the gnu compiler, also no problem.

Compared with bare dos there is significant startup time difference, there the z80 assembler/linker takes a few seconds (maybe 2, cling clang, finished), and the IHX download utility to drive the DMA unit over the parallel port a fraction of a second, so using norton that is a quickly resonsive development environment. Gnu is slower, but then again, it does good even pentium code when needed, and maybe I should put of the optimiser for some more speed, and it is not problematically slow, maybe 10, 20 seconds, depending.

From tcl, startup time varies, depending on the memory usage and swap space utilisation, sometimes a few seconds. Pressing a button for a new sound is fine enough, but just a but over comfortable browsing speed. And making a new sounds by compiling a new C program first is non-interactive, that is more off line idea. Just starting a sound simulator program and downloading the results is ok enough.

The next step of making various experimented with synthesis methods into interconnectable units, and using both them and the samples they can generate for more elaborate experiments, with graphical toolsis interesting to the point of making commercially valid products, and I guess I've been tallying a bit because way too much works already to make being not believed for my capabilities too much the reason for not being maybe 'allowed' or what it is do start some things in a way and place I'd prefer, and not too many appearently are willing or daring to be frank enough, responsewise, which is understandable in some ways, but pissing me of in others.

I guess the silence maffia abused their children quite bad to make so many so affraid or unwilling to leave lied and unright lives.

More practically, if the kind that steals lifes still tries to put me aside and continue the research and thinking lines I've liked since I was teenager (and they inspicable, almost utterly boring, and probably abusive as hell), I;m not willing to get the well boy you've done a nice little job under my major university leadership here without blowing them away effectively enough. I have done such contentwise more than enough in the past, and consequently (time wise at least) have been kicked away without even a decent excuse, but currently appearently noone has enough interest or courage to make me do such effectively in at least some clear enough fields, with so minor investments businesswise that at least quite a lot must be going on in these areas not to let at least some use this possibility to achieve more than a bit in the not irrelevant areas of computers, microelectronics, software, and more.

I guess there is not enough in this countrie good enough, or I don't know. I'm not bad, completely qualified, and could kick some probably quite bad and incapable ones away from positions in these areas that without any question are abused to oppress and make not much good happen. So why shouldn't I, not that I need to, I think egowise things for years have bveen such that I was more than enough aware of ny advanced position, I don't need that, though professionally a time in some top and advanced enough position to make a few good things happen wouldn't hurt.

Without question making the synth stuff even with the pretty lame 486 and Z80 work and documented and even musically and applicatonwise more than valid is worth it, but it doesn't make me want to get out there and make clear how great I can work when I can't realy. It doesn't suck, it is in various ways just retarded, though research and applicationwise more than good enough. It's not insulting enough to take notice of, but why would I have to waste so many efforts to achieve what could be so much more and effective. Making the tcl/tk routines I have is not retarded, and the synth simulations, the web pages, and the sound research aren't at all either as well, but seriously, 'slegts fir oude computers' or something doesn't make much sense. Is it realy that hard to make some position work for someone with my capabilities to make a few tons and get on with my life? It should not be, normally, it should be easy, and completely worth it, that is what sort of surprises me the most. My knowledge and skills are completely worth it in many ways and in various areas of absolute world top level. So when I don't want to go to a university to sucker for completely unjust little position near people that probably would still try to abuse girlfriends I would like not to be so oppressed by them and their likes, I'm immedeately not employale in this country, or something, the jelousy or the maffia would be too much or something?

He first needs to learn to become ugly little nazi boy, learn to properly suck up to child abusers and say please, and drop the attitude that he could internationally blow most of their kind away without even noticing much, contentwise, and without question person wise? And that 's better, or else all others are no longer under them but under me, or something?

Even when I assume many are evil, I still don't get the picture, so there are no lets say liquidable parties enough to let me work for a short time somewhere reachable, and every little job publiciablly offered must be motherfucked such that I just have too much or differently skills, or when I convincingly can fullfull hundreds of them my hair is too long? (which would be solved in no time when I can afford the haircut and such, in about 10 minutes work at my level).

Oh no, I forgot, I am NUTS, I suffer various conditions that make it impossible to work with me, expecially when it realy comes down to letting me act convicingly that I in fact am retarded, socially incapable of understanding I must be lets say mildly giving all my talents up to whicheven bad enough party that comes along, not at al capable of social behaviour, and on the other hand of course way to much, way to socially developed to be with some more cabable ones. That's the problem, you see ?!?!

I'll not go into this mode too much, I'm aware of much misery going on, and am not willing to compare some of the injustice and inconveniences I know with some forms of abuse I've heard and read about. And I want them to change, so I'm also not going to give things up that could be essential for letting no real evil party things they shouldn't have of me. They will not make me adhere to their faith and views while in fact thery are nothing much else but miserable, lower lifeform childabusers.

I've proven myself in the past against world top competition and given some way to much credit I think certain systems still want to ascribe to them, and the hell I will give those kinds anything at all to oppress and abuse and take public position more than I can prevent. I will not. And at least thus far they have not been able to make anything serious against me stick, except that eh, well some bank loans are suspended with serious enough amounts against also my will. My gawd..., any serious software job at my level if I would have had with reference parties that would not officially have tried to put me in the nuthouse (without official success, mind you), would have make me pay such amounts back in months, or half a your, and have a car besides, and thats the only serious problem I had at the time.

And nothing else has verifyably for me been successfull with the kind that appearently started so much misery. I have without question continuously proven enough that I was not in any psycological or other problem they should even be concerned about, they (family in that case) just tried arranging my affairs (and money) behind my back when my former employers appearently had no problem steeping as low as they did to get me out of the way of exposing at least they were not the better parties. At the very least.

Every thing I claimed to do I got quite in the direction of or did, so I don't think there will be much possiblity for them to disclaim me contentwise, at least that is achieved enough, I guess. But I gues s nazi circles couldn't cope with someone that is not good enough to work in certain ways that meanwhile is capable of getting a synthesizer and, dreaded subject, I guess, get research type of software of the ground and working they still can hardly dream of ever making usefull in their own circles. I guess it might well be the battle over software knowledge to got to some fo them bad enough when I look at CNN for instance. And seriously when I look at very major and very much over their heads parties in computers and electronics, I don't feel bad, quite good in fact, they show many signs of simular sanity and normalness I guess I value in those work environments, there is no problem there.

And my machines and software have a habit of working, all my life already, even long before I went to university. I'm sure some others wil not be to keen on having to proof the same. And some nazi or deamon followers that are just in what they too will probably experience as at least in certain ways advanced environments to follow the greed and powerlust of their childabusing families and nazilike circles probably would have trouble with the same, unless they can rip it off, well preferably and thus far not in the end with my consent or effectively over MY back.

It's just sort of sadening that there are so little amounts that even though I'm sure I've been quite communicative that have appearently not seen fit to make a in normal life normal enough offer to for instance at least do some miserable job and get some quite minor (business wise) amount of resources my way, without having to first stand in line for my mark, either on my right hand or forehead, or something. Just whining a bit.

Even when major parts of society are bad, I gues it still makes more sense to make what is good and worth it work at least somewhat. I guess I have to puch many things to the top first, or some are affraid, that I can understand, but the lack of practicalness sometimes makes me wonder.

Anyhow I'm quite aware that there must be much evil piled up around me (and others of course), and I an aware that I've on purpose for a long time already taken quite a serious and probably noteworthy stand against it, which makes me not average, and potentially in and possibly making others that want to share in the better purposes also exposed to certain dangers. I'm sure there are child abuser families of the kinds I've read about that would want me dead for wanting to expose them, put them in prison or preferably go to well armed war against them. And in such case hopefully with success somewhere measured on the hiroshima side when compared with vietnam, when possible. Of course including christian (serious and real, not fake) views, such has more to it, and the general problem of sin and much misery and even God given damnation cannot be generally solved by such violence or just death, but seriously, certain world pictures can make me think along the lines of mass destruction easily enough, even though I am mature enough to take intelligable point of views towards such issues.

I don't see why such kinds of families or what the word is should continue producing child sacfifices, making so many lives so miserable, and producing so little that is even worth considering to look at. Because everyone has the right to live? I think that pretty much expires when you take one or more other lives or wrape or destroy it so miserably that immedeate death by lightning would be more appropriate. Isn't forgiveness in that picture? That is divine and without any question of higher order than my judgement, but still the old testament is clearly full of Gods judgement and punishment along those lines when righteousness is concerned. And Jesus forgiveness is indeed of higher order when He applies it but I cannot only look the other way when it concerns the evil I've for a long period been not much aware of.

So rule against such evil? Of course, what else, there's not much point letting them rule, I'm cetain. Then how to deal with it ? I don't know exactly, at least want to save some that I can, I'm sure, and make it less and hopefully make their victims better of, and provide a better way of live for those up to it.

And I'm sure that at least in serious and real christian lives there should be solution and answers, though noting what is there and what is in revelation, all good is very far from the idea God allowed here. I would be against any view that makes people with serious faith in the God that I consider indeed that corrupted from sane and worthy enough views and holy enough lives to be able to behold and not be repulsed by.

So can I show Gods grace by playing organ for the catholics? I'm not sure how relevant the question is in the whole of things, but at least there is a point, and normally the answer would be clearly: no, I will not let them have the advantage of the benefits of my skills and maybe the increase in liarish images and such. Simple enough. I migh need to at some point to make money, or to get in touch with certain people, maybe, I guess that is possible. Or be known enough by other means to be sure to over the whole be only effective to drive them and their evil doctrines and livesin the ground publically. Maybe, artistic questions involved, I guess. But as part of a mess where demonic doctrines abound and to sing praises of the god evil and abusive priests want to honour, no, certainly not.

As an example, the subject made me think in the past. I'm not at all sure about what God all wants in this world, not that I feel insecure, but there are many sides to what I think I see Him achieve that I am not at all sufficiently knowledgeable about to understand or judge in the whole of affairs going on. I'm sure evil is evil, and that I don't want that, that's easy enough, and that corruptability is another thing than optimisation to achieve something worth while, but I feel not like in God's seat of knowing how He deals with what happens on earth and in persons on it. I guess that's in line with probably His own son not even knowing about when certain things will take place, so it's not necessarily a problem, but sometimes it is more pleasant when through trustworthy enough ways Gods ideas are clear enough.

And in various areas of my live, they are not realy. Not problematically so, but I'd go about certain subjects easy enough and He sometimes seems to be of different opinion. Gods opinion, thats something. There is a song called 'Jesus on the main line' which I in the past found having the idea of a hotline in it, which is not necessarily nice. How is all that, that makes me think. And what when the almighty God indeed interferes with things in the world, as He clearly enough did, what does that mean? For certain demons know about His complete and utter, undisputable and unescapable power, their braging and power greed are not signs of honest opinions about their place in the whole of things, not at all. Biblical, too.

But when God speaks or makes His opinion or will known, what happens? It is sort of hard to imagine for me that when that happens a good enough person wouldn't listen, unless they're not serious about the subject. Then again, stepping forward and making statements to the extend of 'God said so and so' are not necessarily desirable and could easily devaluate to the level of fake lets say pentecostal or charismatic lies, phrases, fleshy or deamonic prophesies and life guidance into destructiveness.

Then again, the potential abuse of certain human or spiritual facilities is not good reason not to utilize them at all as a swing through response.

Not directly related, but in various ways not irrelevant, I've uttered in the past form non-religious point of view that I for instance found the roads feeling narrower (in negative sense, just the highways), and the sky lower and the atmosphere lets say smallifying in certain ways when I drove or came back to Holland from abroad. Also, it is not hard to miss that maybe because of some rule of big numbers (there aren't so many dutch girls compared to the number in the whole world) but probably for other more miserable reasons there were tow girls I had sex within lets say in my opinion normal enough personal sense, and they both were from abroad. The latter is not maybe the essence of life, but since I've lets say encounted far to many completely unnatural boundaries in those areas for way to long, it does concern me, and the judgement for why that can be so will not be taken away from the parties causing it, as far as I am concerned.

And when it is similar with other parts of live, that there are very evil parties given way to much power over the lives of other, unconstitutionally, undesirably, unacceptably so, and probably by some evil or demonic doctrines, that will not be unjudged, and without utter damnation for themselves as far as I have something to say about it. The nazis, the spanish oppressors and many other such manipulative parties were kicked out at more than moderately high expense in the past, and no one is going to take their place with my consent. Ever. The constitutional freedoms will not be made into blackmail sacrifices to the moloch or the mammon, just because som utterly unchristian religeoulsy sounding child or ortherwise abusive liars have the will to enrich themselves over the back of others or ascribe power to their unlawfull and ungodly doctrines and ways.

There were times when people were burnt at the stake (just as an example, no special pun intended) for being against the catholic faith of their oppressors. What was that about? That must have been about betrayal and spiritual truth and the worship of the real god or demons, partly probably like during nazi occupation.

'Will you swear away your own faith and subdue to catholic doctrine and leadership and make their god yours'? NO You know the song. That's right. Fuck you (Hitler for isntance) I will NOT do as you tell me. Ever, I guess. Just out of priniciple, because of practice, because I don't want to, I don't want to be or most probably will be blackmailed into, I have no religion that tells me to, and I wouldn't know why I'd consider it in the first place. 'Some people that are forces are the same that burn crosses', I'm not sure I know what that exactly refers to, I;m sure it at least refers to ultra right wing thinking. I'm just not willing to someone telling me what to do when they are nothing but childabusing, oppresive criminals, just to begin with. Then we'll see.

I guess many of the kind would love to publicly steal the place, life, righteousness, riches, and if it were possible the life of a person worth it. The hypocrites were mentioned by Jesus as the breed of vipers, so at least I'm not the only one using strong language, and the railtracks to Auschwitch still exist as witnesses, not that they look very alive, or that the nazi followers that used them did, or do.

Is it worth taking such a stand, or will I just fine that making such public enough pages is very unwise as in lets say a maffia movie? Maybe, I don't know, but I do know that non-people with death-forms distantly reminding of normal human beings that need to abuse even children to get power and get some kind of self esteem or whatever else, or that need to have persons that I should be with part of certain wrape scenes to somehow get to something are not impressing me to begin with. Impossible. When you steep to such levels, you're nothing worth to begin with. Period. Full stop. The amount of schizofrenia to keep themselves away from such easy enough consideration must be considerabe, so I guess there is enough reason to belief that various types of fear are not justified.

I'm sure there are many parties including again demonic that will make clear that there are RELIGEOUS (auough) reasons to have such fear anyhow, because in the end, the satan too is quite powerfull, isn't it, and besides that thing, there is no God, or he is on vacation far away from allmight and allknowingness.

I remember vividly two things from my past lets say christan education in the area, that fear is a major open door to demonic oppression, which is quite preventable or necessarily a great fear inducing risc, but just like in Jesus' days realistically present, and that schizofrenia is a major problem with many christians, practically, and that the various elements and controlling demons and derangements associated with it cause more damage then most other things when growing to more than small proportions. I was aware of such at the time, and wanted to deal with the various problems associated with it, and guess have not ever been much so in actual life, though I do remember I didn't like so much seperation between my (normal enough) thinking in christian sense, too, and many people and situations I encountered, but since we're not in the thousand years of peace, that in itself is not alarming.

I now am aware that the number of people that have personal and lets call it miserable reasons to need to deal with parts of their person not applicable or dealable with in normal life because of very grave abuse, the resulting personal pain, and the abusive blackmail into silence and probably oppressive subdual to the persons and parties causing such incredible grief. I don't think that needs to be unsolveable, or needs to lead to persons lost in some kind of schizofrenia. I'm quite sure there is. Is that the waves friven by the wind idea, too, Verelst? May well be, At least it is the same thinking. To have and to hold, forsaking all others Swear not, not by the heavens because their are Gods habitance, and not by the earth because they are the bench for his feet. Let your yes be yes, and your be now, anything that goes above that is of evil. Is it realistic to suspect, expect, state and go against very great evils in alledged christian lives, and if so, is it desirable, and isn't it dangerous. Well most questions by now would get an answer along the lines of 'this person doesn't care much', dangerous, ha, that's a good one, wrape and torture victims should be in line for better lives and people they can trust and I should worry about the incredible criminals that even cause it egos or something, or what, they might come and wrape me? This stuff pisses me of, I wanted to write, but it isn't the right phrase. The reason I write about the schizofrenia thing, that was quite a lets say pumped up subject in the environment I was once in, probably for very bad reasons, is not getting on my nerves, but I can see no other angle to at least the major problem I see so much and so often, that it is hard to lets say be in normal mode of effective operation even when that is quite called for and with parties where that should be possible.

I'm aware of the idea that much is evil, and that it may be easy for me to place myself above a lot of abusive and blackmailing parties contentwise when they want to claim for instance systematic power, because of my education, talents maybe, having not been corruptable in any way seriously mentionable, and maybe simply because I'll not give my normal thinking up about non-persons that call themselves even man after abusing children, and that like those papal ridiculous fags even taken serious. Is that slander? No, it statement of fact enough, and is not intended to harm parties in ways not justified, I just observe how some people behave and made a statement about it, if you don't want to be called faggish, than dont present yourself as such. If you don't want to be called ridiculous, than don't play santa claus while being so powergreedy its not funny even to look at and try to get away with people believing it.

Now lets see what happens when such kinds want to or have to play converts, and play games with the ideas. Then the damnation that kicks in without any question includes schizofrenia. Look at me being all wonderfull. Sure, and meanwhile, what's on your mind, what does your den of demons tell you, which incredibly abusive whore keeping motherf*ing madam on top of many victms are you even giving place? Hu?

The world will be all one in love? While I'm typing, there's metallica (or was it iron maiden) on the radio, which I think is a more applicable answer. In fact it just was followed by Led Zeppelin (you guessed: 'stairway to heaven'), horribly applicable. I think I put the lyrics on I think some pages back, its worth reading, I'm sure its quite applicable for some, it never hurts to take serious. My gowd, the lies people buy to their own misery, probably in some cases justifiably so, in other cases it could make me sad. God provided salvation, but in many things and religeous convictions lies no such thing, for certain.

Before getting back to the question, I just though about Hendrix, sometimes I'm a bit more happy when some local station puts on the second Beeb CD for playing, which I'm sure in spirit scares the hell out of some people, serves them right. That must have been like the antichrist and the satan in one person in some peoples' minds at the time, blazing 'purple haze' out of a few hundred watts marshalls in the time the beatles had too long hair must have been something, but then again, the stones and the who existed, too. I'm sure major things happened at Woodstock for instance, and that his music had very much to do with that, that doesn't take much vision, but when I look at a lot in similar areas in this time, I wonder what would happen when the same hendrix would make his appearance, for the sake of argument, a relevant argument. And I'm not Hendrix, just to make sure. But I did play lets say advanced and incertain ways 'hip' music in the past and do remember even while there was realy nothing much 'Hey boerelul' is a dutchism I'm not sure I can explain. Both because I'm not sure about the real person being made fun of, and because there are ways of thinking deeply rooted in the dutch that may be essentially well known enough in terms of a 'dutch treat' and double dutch bus and such, but that have a personal component when you are dutch which is no too straightforward to explain. There is an absolutely hilarious, famous dutch radio show back in the air again on saturday after many year of absence that features 'dick for mekaar' who hates to be addressed this way.

In normal conversation it is a swearword that noone can just use, it can be quite strong word, sort of like the body parts that are mentioned suggest, along the lines of 'redneck d*head', to strong for even sleezy enough talkshows, and this program is sort of not that way, it has organ musical licks, is sort of nice-ish, so the acted voice (the show is made by two persons impersonating amny others, for instance with audio montage and tricks, which I found inspiring in the past to do similarly) that calls up and is not wanted on the phone by sort of the head person is way out of line greeting with a very drawn out and clearly articulated version of the expression, but say it as if he is realy greeting a long lost friend and wants to be realy aimable.

And of course the sort of forward dork of the show has explained that he means something very well with such an expression.. Hilarious, great fun, and I think artistically hard to surpass in this country, top stuff (and around since I was young already). For those who know the show and can understand the language, there is clear point along the lines I wanted to make clear, the sort of doubleness that makes fascism redundant, with a souce of friendliness (some may know the dutch word that's often used int he context..) that makes it refer to the other part of the salesman/reverent comparison, and that is implemented so well that I'm sure the beeb interview with Hendrix in terms of anti-match would have worked even better, without any effort of such party, in this case.

Oh boy. That again. I guess that's the sort of stuff I should have learned first, before expaining foreign politics, or not being fond of the their councels (pun intended), nad being able to be a non-nummable party where such circles' modes of operation may be even at stake. I squirmed that in well, yes, yes, we're getting to why I was right in the way I wanted to go about things, and the nazi's weren't, well, anyway, there's an everlasting thus far disagreement between that sort of dutchism and my internal and public behaviour, and I intend to get to the bottom of it as long as I'm being treated the way I am. Lets say either as punishment or as correction, which ever comes first. (And I would think about certain songs of the same artist I mentioned that might be quite unmistakable about certain people along nazi tracks of my life, maybe planned long ago, but I guess I'll not write too much about it, because that in itself I find not so relevant, and I don't know much about all the whereabouts).

I am very certain that I'll be mordicus against having to accept certain dutch ways before I am given the beast approval or something to actually have public permission of the the great whores pimp to trade, or something. I am not gezellig (the dreaded word) when I don't want to be, have to be so in the presence of what may well be child abusers, or as an answer to profound and not small questions that luckily in the past also in Holland were dealt with in an honorable way. I'll not prepare the way of the little nazi leader wannabees that at least have a sort of lets call it leaderishness in the face of that which prepares some for them. Are there comparisons with stephan being untolerated? I don't think so much, though I guess kicking against the prods is a general enough biblical expression. Respectless, I guess is a better idea. Against (real and justified) authority another. When one can destroy the world I don't know how many hundreds times with maybe not even a hundred rockets, I'd see the dutch parlement have discussions on the phrasing of what the exact damage of contemporary hiroshima bombs could possible be. I think I could write a little stage play about it that hopefull would still be considered funny.

In short, some things are not little, belittleable, or going away by accepting, tolerating and sucking up to them or even giving them over everything to at least get your inheritance, and they need to be dealt with at some level, and if that is not your level, that at least as example the germans or the americans will have to deal with them, and someone raising serious subjects cannot be told that in the face of that dutchism first has to be learned. At best it is representative of a way of living with ones' size and lets say power limitations, and therefore not something to be preached or tought on a bigger scale, or in the face of the world anyone can at least have a taste of over television.

So one cannot claim to be better than some belgiums, probably unscrupulous enough to be without such problems, and solve some problem at stake requiring trust enough of some well enough edified persons to get childabusers and in general untrustable persons out of the way of making at least the top of chip and maybe computer related research in holland reasonably acceptable, and capable of raising at least s few students u pwith whom the problem is brain drain instead of their incapability of getting much of the ground that will make those branches of activities reasonably up to standard.

Who leads will be brought down, because that is better. Well, then do so, or you don't live up to your own doctrines, and could have done very much better. Probably there is money at stake. Catholics, probably, too, and I'm sure abroad the desire to work too much along with stealing of faces wasn;t enough to make some parties prepared to be on the receiving side of such treasurousness not willing to believe their own beloved antichrist.

When I try to interpret hidden lines and liptalk from various dutch front persons, I don't like what I percieve, and prayer doesn't make me necessarily proud to be dutch either. Is that relevant? And aren't the m*f* french just as bad? I guess all are under sin, but I don't feel lik egoing along with many dutch flows, and am trying to make clear why that is, now that at least some must have gotten the message that I'll not buy the 'you were a bit nutsy nutsy, isn't it' story to hide without question a multitude of sins, and play along, and that I most probably cannot be make into playing along either.

And then it is hard against hard isn't it, 'the childabusers don't want you anywhere', no, I'll bet. Some things needs to change, and even if I can anticipate that I might make it to go abroad enough at some point, I'll want at least some children to grow up with some sanity and without all too many worries that shouldn't be needed, and let maybe a million, maybe two live more according to what real spirit of Jesus may want. Or whatever the numbers are.

Wondering about the rythms in 'Paradise by the dashboard light' (Meat Loaf), I remember vividly that I was lets say wondering what the problems in these area were caused by. In fact I still don't agree that all this should be so hard or strange: one likes a girl, wants to be with her, both think a bit how that might be, shouldn't be too hard. Some might be jeleous, some parents may not like to see their inheritance deals blown away by some pauper, or worry about the (maffia voice on) family name, or worry about the blessed virgins' virginity or maybe the youngmans lack of responsability to deal with life or provide, or wether it is legitimate to live and sleep togehter without mariage, or the priests blessings, anyhow, such things. For more than a little while I've been on the way more than average good side of most these issues, and did think about them, being unaware of the major place of so much hidden evil.

'Is this the real life', guess so, is there another? I guess I'll get back to James again soon enough, not just the swearing, but the idea also of the deals, the stealing of faces, the 'sit under my monopod', the ways of the rich, the obligation of those beign serious about their faith to stick with Gods revealed and understood will, and to be at least positively different from the ways of the world, jewish or yentile.