Theo Verelst Wanted page

Because of some quite extraordinary personal circumstances, which only recently have been admitted to be the result of serious fears and shames in my family and in relation with my former employer (Delft University), I only know feel in a situation to resume some of the contacts that I lost by being stuck in Amsterdam without proper means of transportation and communication (with the lucky exception of good old email), and especially because of not having the faintest possiblity of ascertaining what forces actually were (and are) the source of my idiotic situation.

There are some people who I more or less instensively and intimately have been with in the past that I can't reach at the moment, and some of my other pages can give some clear indication of the possible reasons for that, but who I would very much like to be in touch with again. Considereing the situation I'm only now getting a little bit of tangible evidance for has existed for a long time in my life already, some contacts go back guite some years. I presume that some computerized people can provide some possibly indirect links to them, so this seems at least a reasonable starting point to try to restart some contact, this time with at least some ideas of what actually may have been the case with some of the people I was lucky to spent time with.
I realize that most of the information on this page os of a very personal nature, but since various people have already deemed it legitimate to peek into and distribute widely significant information stolen from every personal belonging I have, I guess that won't be too much of a difference. Besides, I have nothing to hide (I think). Can one put himself so naked on the internet? Remember a woman who scorned David for dancing naked got infertile as a punishment of God ... (if you believe in Him at all, otherwise just consider me a touch excentric with good motivation).

If some of the people I write about feel indignified because of a breach of privacy I apologize and suggest a fast message in the guestbook or over email to get their names and things they shared with me of this page. Again, I only want to be in touch with some people I loved again, and see no more efficient, and broadly scoped (some are from abroad) way of doing it.

What does he think he is doing?

Since many of the people I mention on this page (and yes, I do have a fairly diverse and serious range of (even reachable) male friends and acqaintances as well) are women, it is a logical question what I see as legitimate and desirable possible relations. Again I would like to point at some of my other pages (...) to emphasize that I take it as very possible that various persons on this page have had to do with possibly very serious types of both sexual and power abuse, and that my interest in them is in spite of this. That is: it might explain behaviour that I couldn't deal with in the past, it is not the reason that I want to be in touch, and it will not stop me from having any kind of relation with all that it seems fitting with.

More history and thoughts

Personal history and thoughts (Latest Update 15 april 1998): some more on the subject of abuse and about the development of my thoughts on the subject and some of the people whom it (possibly) concerns.

Please provide me with any possible pointer to these persons!

Ingrid Vos

Also see above link. Must have had a seriously hard time hiding her beauty (got me tricked at first), rarely found "at home feeling". Should be a top level physica (or something else) by now, she has the talent, but considering her greeks interest and clear political ability she could probably do good in many areas.
Ingrid has been in my thoughts a lot, and width very serious thoughts, which I've found hard to make explicit, because I can't verify the truth of all of them, see also above link. I feel like it is fitting to relate to her as to a wife (explicitly not including the wedding bell thoughts), but find this uncomfortable because of the long time I haven't spoken with her in person. Similar thoughts I could recently also feel fitting with more than a few of the other persons I mentioned, in some cases (not all) even more weard for similar reasons. This spiritual thing would better work and be truthfull, otherwise it is one of the main things that make life worth while and provide space for good and even better events and connections.
I have just received a possible email address, but she, again in spirit, asked me not to use it jet. Kind of exciting because her story is the key that started a lot of my thoughts, and I'd like, and have sincere need, to verify the spiritual against the actual, but evidently there is a lot of risk involved for her is the material I've written partly about is even remotely true. That means that our contact would verify from a first hand witness that some of the possible accusations against people in not irrelevant places are true, and no doubt I will take every measure I can find (and when I get going there are not very many that can match my thrust) to solve that situation in a legal and as rigorous as possible way. Unless she askes me to wait. And of course emotionally it is not too easy to maybe have confirmed or denied one of the main lines in thought and the opinions of one of the most meaningfull persons in my life, if she or someone else can give me some tangible clue on that, it would be valuable to me, I'd want to love in more ways than in spirit. I realize I'm pushing things with such remarks, and should at least add that quite some of the remarks I make in following sections apply in high degree to her as well, but I want to do more than write about her, I now we can live together, and there are not many things I'd like to make come about more than that, in any form appropriate at the time, but evidently in every way that we didn't have in past.

I want to add a dired remark here, at least for my beta (dutch term) brain, there are people that I believe of have also been near me for reasons outside the mere human, i.e. where the God I claim to want to follow has had a definite, positive and complete say in, and I belief that with her that is the case, just as with some others mentioned on this page. I want to clarify this, because in itself this makes me uneasy, does God mean for people to be together? Quite probably, but actually saying this is the case for such and such person could be anything between proposterous, dangerously manipulative, killing of human feelings, or rare confirmation. And forces a christian side to a relationship that for me at the time I met her was not an option, I simply didn't consider the possibility. Since I claim to be in line with the fundaments of my faith, which I with much emphasis repeat does NOT mean it is in line with the average chrisianity and means it is open for every kind of public testing, this factor does play a crucial role, and in fact inplicates that when she was (partwise) also near to me at the time I met her, because of reasons of fatih and possibly told to be so through profesies (I wasn't even remotely aware of, and still can only think about), or by personal conviction, I may have made a grave, essential, high impact, incredibly harmfull error by telling her I didn't want to have more than an ordinary student home relationship with her simply to give things time, not provole jealousies, and to give her time to adapt to a new environment (with a fairly noticable age difference). And as I see it now, I did. And regret it very much.

Just to make things clear here, I had no evil intent, and it would have been possible to wait until later occasion (which she didn't), but considerig what must have been the horribly abuse situation she came from and must have continued in, I find it hard to express the sorry I feel for that. Some more remarks are in order since I find this a highly sensitive subject and want to prevent misunderstandings. When there is a claim that God intents two people to be together, the source of that claim must be scrutinized, because of the large impact. Furthermore, it is quite possible, and unfortunately likely, that very malicious, abuse people also abuse (tested) utterances and knowledge like that to present someone like Ingrid as bate to bring destruction to the other person in the relation. Ingrid is strong and certainly intelligent enough to not only know this, but to apply that knowledge to prevent that from happening. But that doesn't necessarily mean that all is according to God's will (what a abused expression that is, somehow I hate it, but not if it is actually that), and it couldn't have been, since I wasn't out there to search His will. Does that mean I broke the law? Actually I lived quite honorably, and probably cannot even be accused of seriously breaking even one the ten commandments or their derivatives, I challenge other christians to show such a holy (in the non-stupid, actual sense of the word) life as I had, and I certainly have showed tons of fruits of love. Unfortunately, to the wrong people.
But in terms of His will I appearently have miserably failed in some aspects, beacuse if some girls would have meant close to heaven to me it would have been Melinda or Ingrid or Josette, and if with some it would have been natural and even easy to also have a close emotional (in fact in serious respects I did have that with Ingrid for a long time) and a sexual relation ot would have been with them, apart from my complete failure to understand why some sides of the contact were so strangly evasive. And it would have made a profound difference for all parties involved. I can't judge myself for having made a serious error in terms of just or appropriate bahaviour, but having been run out christianity without a clue certainly has made some people's lives miserable. In I've started to suspect that the situtation around me in university and with a lot of so called christian activity s not much different. People forget that ministries and desired relationships are not up for the bidding, and are completely connected with the intended persons and can absulotely not be taken by someone else. When this (especially for malicious reasons) happens anyway, the results and the resulting grieve and suffering can be horrible, and I am realy sorry for the part of that which I quite probably have contributed, or at least not prevented. I hope the people who have denied me the appropriate knowledge and lied to others relying on that knowledge that they did inform me, are at least similarly sorry, and try to make up for the results.

Melinda de Meij

Very attractive person I met during a performance and had some very happy music making in common with, both herself and her bass-playing made her company I would have liked to continue and give more content. Through her sister and another musician I understood that would be not such a good idea, even though I had not the faintest idea as to the why, I (stupidly) assumed their judgement was of posivit value. When I sometimes met her later I didn't know exactly what to think, maybe I should have been clearer, there are few persons with the impact she made, in a very gentle way.

Tal Ben Zvi (IL)

I met her in Barcelona (esp), while staying in a yought hostel with a group of people from Holland, after having been on a joint address near Berga (Pyrenees), while having dinner. Some of the members of the group I was traveling with appearently invited her (or possibly knew her, but I can olny guess), and we started talking while walking in the area afterwards. In short we spent a long night in the area of the Barcelona market (which is far from desolate in summer nights), got closer, and decided (on her proposal) to travel further together. After some conversing, because there was a limited numbers of cars to travel with, and because until a little before I had agreed to travel further with another girl from the group, who appearently (unfortunately, because I liked her a lot) changed her mind, we agreed to meet again at the home af a girl who was staying in her parents house in France,and who I had promised to visit, possibly with some people from the group. I didn't know exactly what she wanted, I lived in the same house for two years with her, and it was clear that we had something valuable, but since she started sleeping with someone else after having been out with her one night, I didn't know exactly what to expect (I had no idea about what realy may have been going on), and from our communication before I left, there were expectations of having more than a casual relation, bit to my knownledge she was at that point still in another relationship. All a bit complicated, but it makes clear that the situatio of me arriving with someone I would sleep with may well have caused hardship for her, even though I called her upfront, and though she showed similar behaviour and appearently didn't think bad of it.

I short, the rest of the story is that we went over Orleans (where we found our first hotel), to Paris, stayed there a few weeks visiting amoung other things a lot of art exhibitions (she was an art/geography major), lived in a borrowed tent, and visited someone I knew from a popmusic workshop in a small village in the north of France. After she hitch hiked to London, I returned to Holland to arrange some work affairs, and we were aware of the difficulties of continuing the relationship, since Israel is both for away from Holland and from the US, where I wanted to go.

After some not so easy phonecalls (for probably a whole lot more profound reasons than I was arare of, because why would she have such great difficulty traveling along to my home?), I decided to go to London, where we could stay in a friend's appartment for another few weeks, and spent most time together, and some with the girl who lived there visiting and going out in various places in London and Cambridge.

The at that point hard ending was, that we agreed to travel some more to Berlin or Prague (using my car again, and after some financial arrangements), buit she backed out on that, by telling me right before the metro entrance, knowing I had to catch my bus back for university matters, that she didn't want to go on any more at all. From someone with who only several days before an important issue was wether or not she was pregnant, and what to possibly do about that (those condoms weren't for nothing), that is quite a cold shower.

Remember that I didn't have a clue as to the real reasons for a lot of behaviour, also when she wrote me that she didn't love enough to go on (which was rather a contrast with her wanting to meet later in the US as I would getr there, and with her own drive to persue the relation in the first place), and that I also didn't understand her difficulties with me coming to Israel, which on my later salary would have been very easy, first she seemed to want to draw me by making clear academics in Israel meet high standards, later she ade clear she didn't want me there because of the dangerous circumstances.

In short, I realize a lot more must have been going on, and I gather that as a results of lies and fears she me not have been very nive to me behind my back (to put it eufemistically), which I will immedeately forgive her, if she would only answer my letters and other inquiries by email (for now at least).

She made sculpture, a variation on Rodin's thinker one may say, but than in a back-bent form, with fairly clear meaning. She could correct that, at most times I guess when she wasn't affraid (see above, and simply because of the fact that my spiritual communication amounted to no more than "gut-feeling"). Not many people can have the intensity and match what I need when looking at me as she did on various occasions, such as some of the dinners we had, never mind they were cheap pizzeria's.

Andrea Schwyter (CH)

I met her on a new years party in Amsterdam, and if at that point I'd still have my christian moral of 4 years or so before, I would have to be forgiven of sleeping with someone the first night. Luckily, I can simply observe that it was one of the better things that happened (by mutual agreement and choice), and it led to a relationship where for some time I very much enjoyed her company and the house she had in Switserland. I wanted to take her to the US if I would get there, but at that point it seemed all too much for her, and it ended up that the last time I visited her a few years ago we still (from the looks of it both) had pretty much the same feelings, without the (for me desirable) continuous relationship (emotional and sexual).
Too me it seemed that it was a bit too much for her, she worked as physio therapist and probably wanted her own business, and driving over on a weekend and planning on going far abroad isn't directly compatible with a logical continuation of life in Biel. Some time ago, as of course (see above link) I communicated with her in spirit, it became horribly clear that a whole lot more has been going on than simple choice, "dein Fater is ein Verbrecher", doesn't sound very irrelevant to me.
I tried to send a letter to an old address recently, but it bounced, I guess too much was (and is) going on, I have a number, so if I manage a phonecard I will try and call her if it feels right. A nice recharge time in switserland doesn't sound too far from a little paradise to me. I wonder why people talk about the pleasure of waking up with a loved one, I did't see the other times in the same bed as less enjoyable.

Parce que je sais qu'lle etait aprrenant de l'anglais quand je la racontrais, peut etre c'est joli the traduir ce passage an francais (C'est bein for ma francais et son anglais).
Je la racontrais a une party the nouveaux annee a Amsterdam, et quand a ce temps, je avait eu ma morale (?) christienne de 4 ans devant, j'avais eu besoin de etre perdonne pour me dormir avex quelqeu un aux premier nuit. Heureusement je peut simplement observe que c'etait une de les plus bien choses qui ce sont passe (par consent et choisir de tout les deux) et il y a commence une relation dans qui je, depuis quelque temps, ai ete tres heureuse avec sa companie dans ma et sa maison en suisse. Je voulet la ammener aux Etas Unies, quand je arrivai la, mais a ce temp tout ensemble etais un peu trop dur pour elle, et enfin quand je la visitais il I a quelque annees, nous avions plus les meme sentiments, et sa ce montrais que nous nous sentions les deux moins ou plus la meme, mais sans avoir une relation continue (emotionelle et sexuelle), q'etais desire par moi.
Je croyet que c'etais tout trop trop pour elle, elle travaillait comme physio-therapiste, et probabilement voulet une enterprise de sa meme, et rouler le distance Bienne-Hollande deux fois en weekend et donne de consideration a faire un emigration (pour quelque annees) n'etait pas exactement une extension logique en comparison de vivre en Bienne.
Il y a quelque annees, quand je la contactais en espirit, que ca devienait horriblement clair que beacoup plus c'etais passe que simplement choisir pour ou contre continuer ce relation, quand elle pensait "ton pere est un criminel". Plus recente, j'ai essaye de la metrer une lettre mais c'etais retourne, je crois que trop beacoup se passait a ce moment, mais j'ai un numero de telephone que je vais essayer quand j'ai de succes a obtenir une carte de telephone et quand ca sent bien.
Une bien temp pour recouperir en Suise n'a pas l'air de etre tres loin d'un peux de paradix pour moi. Je me demande pourqoui on parle seulement de plaisir de se lever avec quelque-un aimee, je ne voyet pas les autres temps d'etre dans le meme lit comme moins agreable.

Lisa (Lamree ?)

Also see link above. There are not many girls I had gotten that close toin the few weeks we were on the same holyday address, and I stil regret that at some point she didn't want to go on anymore, probably for a lot more profound reasons I assumed at the time, already then I found it not very credible that I was to much for her, or that her boyfriend at the time (with whom she clearly expressed things were not very good) was such a major factor. We were together naturally, and she the first girl I ever got to the point with of mutually expressing the desire of continuing the relationship by sharing the same tent. Sweet and strong at the same time, if models would be more chosen for their beauty, she could be one.
She exchanged Delft univerity (mechanical engineering) for another school, and I don't like to consider the possible grave reasons for that, I completely doubt it had to do with her intellectual capabilities, and unfortunately have to put quite some belief in the reasons communicated in spirit that are along the same lines as the organized abuse I've talked about concering Ingrid. We'll never make it to the Pat Metheny concert in Andora anymore, but I hope there will be other occasions to continue where we left off, where maybe I won't see the cool approach as the only way to form as I saw fit.

Josette Peijnenborg

I had a band with her as lead singer, we met at a pop-music workshop in Delft, and were on the verge of having a more than friendly relationship for quite some time, but somehow see seemed to hold that of, even though I found her very attractive, and wanted a lasting relation with her. At the time I didn't have much understanding as to the why. Lost contact after she finished her industrial design study and she went east (in Holland), pity.
I would say she can do a lot more good than she and probably most others are willing to let her have, and again without tangible proof but with quite some credibility I belief that similar reasons as mentioned above have led to more pain in her life than I probably can imagine.
She was the first I got to the point with to explicitly and very clearly expressing that I liked her very much, in the face of another relation that had (she willingly?) commenced after about half a year or so since I knew her (and during which things never got of the ground somehow, completely beyond my comprehension). I hope at least that that tells her that I realy meant it. That was (and I guess isn't) my habit. I was serious, but could imagine easily now that if her situation was only remotely like I now can infer it must have been, that is exactly what stopped her, and for a very good reason towards me. She has spent a year in the US, and would sure make me happy to do that again in my company, if she still as the interest.

She played a major part in a time when I was forming myself artistically (or just in a way completely contrary to the acedemic environment I felt squeezed into?), after having effectively abandoned my faith and left my parents home to be free of some boundaries I felt were very much restraining me, and I probably for the first onger lasting period in my life felt sufficiently free and provided with sufficent soundboard to do that in a way that satisfied me, and that could give me a space to fit. Ingrid affected that in a major way, at the same time I knew and played in bands with Josette, but in terms of expression and relating personally Josette had a far more major role and I thought at the time. I found that out only later, simply put when I missed her. I thought the music did so much, but wen she was gone, music was still fine, but what I liked and valued so much was gone.

Wendy Hoff (currently ?)

I met her in the bible school I visited for years in the past as the sister of someone of a couple that I now have fairly unambiguous, fairly negative thoughts about, and I guess I easily fell in love with her. Though we shared some time making music we didn't get to meet too often, and listening back to a tape from that group with some testimonies and some hardly obscure "advise" I see my suspicions that that was not exactly coincidental all too easy confirmed. I picked up the indonesians could teach dutch abusers a trick or two (why did I just write that? Guess a little bird told me (almost scriptural, read proverbs). A niece of mine some twenty years ago seemed to want to communicate something to me clearly enough for me to remember even now, and her mother used and expression considering a dead bird, when my family was around, that must have been my thought connection.).
She used to be a girl with a combination of fineness and guts that I hoped to be together with for quite some time.

Marion Knoester

My second highschool flame. What can I say? I never understood what actually went on when we danced (what's the expression "cheek to cheek", anyway: close), in comparison with the combination of attraction and "no" I perceived in that time and after. A load of thoughts I could express now, hopefully but not likely the evil (grave abuse by even the school director, thoughts, mind you) ones are not true. Even more hopefully, the positive ones, that indeed she did want more than a bit but conciously stopped that for very heavy weight consideration, are true. Current questions have to include: was that belly she held against me carrying a baby (at 14 or so) and if so, whose, and what happended? Bear in mind that only a few years ago I started thinking about these things and communicating without knowing where to contact her. And was this boyfriend she at that time appearently prefered over me on of the types I don't even like to think about (see above link)? Did she indeed know Ingrid Vos and if so through more than just dance lessons?
Irregardless of all that there are not too many people I'd wanted to be in a relationship with as much as her.

Andreas Pruess (DE)

Someone from Kassel (couldn't find him visiting the "Documenta") who lived in my house, and with whom I have some unfinished talks. Why did he suggest castration (of the type not damaging essential body parts) as a good idea for men (actually, himself)? Come to think of it were eunuchs rendered "guards of the bedroom", in the most to the point translation of the greek word by exceptionally cruel methods ?

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