I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.
Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them
that these pages are copyrighted, and
that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link
without my prior consent. That includes familiy, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is
that it may well by that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies'
of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be
treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the
whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...
And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong
that may be done otherwise. And I
am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but
infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of
state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.
I made this remark on the attraction to persons of the opposite sex,
and wether that
should be a decisive reason to discriminate in the relationship economy (assuming
there is scarceness, which looking at the giving side is probably more true, meaning
I always had the unconscious idea that when I'd want a woman (especially the real attractive,
nice, etc.) to mean a lot to me and relate to me closely (what a terminology),
I primarity asked for something. That may have been so in some cases, but on the
whole, it took me quite some time to realize it is a lot more the other way around,
and that there aren't that many suppliers that are capable or willing to want what
I wanted and woulc want, so that competition is not an applicable concept, except
for It probably being more of a demand market then I for long realized, and that makes it
al the more annoying that stupid to have so many people stop wht could so much and
so easily be there. Seriously, i thought in general boy-friends, or wannabee so's
were just plain jeleous when something started to happen between some of the
girls (I'd say some of them were colse to women, but who cares about a term)
that I had more than average feelings for.
Only recently I've started to realize that mostly it has to do with
which still makes me wonder in what emote area of the universe I must have been
born: you have a relationship with a women that I'd find very attrative, would want
to love and be loved by, be close with, and what naturally follows, and they are put
up with peopl they wouldn't even want to be close with, have only pityful reminders
of meaningfull sex with (I'l explain terminology later on), and that is supposed
to be better?!?! Why, because you don't realy give a shit, and that's better, too.
I gues it is if you're stuch or put up with the wrong person. All this is
not a motivation to love a bit more in spite of this all: find out if you can
be free of that, alone, when that's temporarily the only visible option.
At least you'd be able to look at yourself in the mirror. You gotta start at the core
fo things, otherwise the whole thing never works fine.
It bothers me in a alienating way, it doesn't even get to the point
of pissing me of,
when I am out for instance, and only see these little games being played, I
never thought: there is something I need to learn to be like all that, but I have
(before I realized they were games) for long asked myself why certain things
were so stupidly difficult. I don't doubt now that there were reasons that
have to do with who I m as well, in which case find the whole game even more
offensive (to common sense, my personal integrety, my feelings about
man/woman hood and more).
If I wanted power over people, and wouln't have that much to offer that
naturally atract enough attention and power, that's the pityfull and obvious way
I'd do it is to try and get hem stupid or oppressed enough to think that way..
But why do people buy it? Must have to do with 'the system', the heavenly,
etc. Incredible. Send in the hippies. Funny enough, it is through reading and
retranslating the bible that I realize that there is appearently a lot at stake
with all that. 'Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom', may well be a
Drove a Fiat 500 (if that's the number) today! I'm still guessing as to the number
of horsepower squeezed into the little machine, but its practical in Amsterdam.
Yesterday I invested in loudspeakers of all tonal ranges: woofers, mid/high
very tiny dome tweeters supposedly also of high quality.
12 inch woofers in box in the train and tram are not easy, gotta get
Preferably before I carried about 30 KG (or so, about 2 square meter
'spaanplaat') over half a mile or so because the wood supplier didn't seem that far
without carrying the materials for one speaker cabinet...
It looks good, though, its got a wood carved black finishing layer that looks cool.
I was still thinking about a lot of things that must have been going
my knowledge. How was I going to understand what Ingrid told me 'in spirit'
(what a term, 'connecting up in thoughts', idem, 'in prayer', almost ggmmpphh,
whats the right term for sharing thoughts, and when one does, how is one to
know wether it is based on a truthfull connection? Thats the thing that motivated
me to want to do research in the direction of what the mechanism is that two
or more brains can use to do so), was accurate, and true at all. She changed story
on some things, some things were even lied.
It was impossible almost for me to believe that 'people' would take
her as a little girl,
wrape her violently in just about every way possible, let her alone for days after
having been tortured and scare her even more, let her eat her own babies, make her
the whore of deathworthy exuses for male beings in the most horrible ways
I couldn't even have thought of, and then end up still being the togehter and
attractive person she was. And when she started to 'tell' me that not only was
that common knowledge, but that people that I knew, worked with and even for
where amoung the worst abusers, and later on she even indicated that in some ways
that was recent, I was taken aback by the fact that she didn't realy seem to want to
be near me. I still feel completely at a loss with the situation that as she
started to make those things clear to me, she seemed not to want to talk with me,
and that somehow I didn't feel right about forcing the situation the contact her,
not knowing wether those things were true, what she wanted about it, how
large and of which form the risks would be.
It bothers me right until this minute that since she didn't reply to
my mail and email,
both of which probably but not completely certainly arrived, which may well
be exactly her intention, I didn't try to reach her at an (old) work phone number I finally
obtained. That to I could force. What would happen? Amsterdam, or whereever,
abuse maffia all over the place (her, me (I don't care), others)? Plain denial?
I do not know.
We've always related not just easily but in a natural way. The last time I saw her,
that wasn't so. I would step over any of my own feelings to seriously reach her,
and think when I go for that, I could. Should I?
When it is true that Andrea, a swiss girl I slept with, has been wraped
by her family,
forced to have various forms of 'sexual contacts' (if thats the proper term) with
even some of my former 'friends' (empahsis on former and forced), what
do I do when she doesn't answer my mail? Call her?
I don't know.
Can I deal with things like that? Rationally and emotionally for myself,
I can, either
in 'war-mode' or simply because I won't care what I'll feel, but what's best?
I could comfort, make clear I blame the wrapers, torturers and blackmailers, and
not them, make clear that I wanted them for how I saw them, and that that hasn't
changed, I could love as far I can see them, but would it work, and what would
the consequences be? I'd say its probable when all this is true (and unfortunately
I decided already some time ago the the main lines must be) that there will be
threats of all kind against them and me when I try. I'm quite sure that I would
feel incredibly miserable, ashamed, damaged, scared, captivated, robbed of
myself, and I don't know what else if it were me.
Honestly, I realy, for the life of me, cannot imagine what those kind
do to a person. I can't. It would feel offensive to them to even try. So whats the
overriding feeling, shame? Hurt? Inaccessability, hardness? Lies? Cynism? Revenge?
Fear, not to forget?
So I call, 'Hi how are you?, or 'Hi, long time ago, were you realy wraped
tortured?', or 'Hi, I realy loved you, do you *now* want to be wih me', what is
the main point? Again, in 'war-mode' I'd be able of doing and saying just about
everything. But then the realness I think it is about would not prevail.
'Hi I've a booming bussiness in a more free, very far place where I'd
love to meet
you'? Better, I guess. 'Well I have a boyfriend who abuses me only about 5 percent
of what I'm used to (which imo over the whole picture probably would still be
punishable by death, if your state has that),' ...
'I'd love to, but don't feel up to it'. More likely as an honest response.
'What am I, a victim?' No, not primarily, but probably what happened
marks. 'But I can't be the way I'd want to be', I guess is also in the direction of
truth. I know for sure that most people I listed (what a term) at least shared
some genuine feelings of attraction with me, so that it is not strange to suspect
that such a feeling may have a significant role. I'm sure that when those kind
of things (have) happen(ed), fear of just about everything is probably even
quite justified, apart from faith in a higher authority, or my uzi, or something.
So mister psychiatrist, whats the point?
I don't know.
I stronly suspect that everything is organized in such a way that every
memory of something desirable, real and free itself is already harmfull, and
that the kind of oppression and forced prostitution I've read about produces
an undescribably miserable situation.
Simply give up that it will every become something with them, find a
young thing' and forget about everything?
I couldn't. I guess finding attractive and sufficiently interesting
is not impossible, but I couldn't forget. Stupid, stubborn romanticism, hurt
pride, wrong emotional bondage? I don't realy care, I can live, but I don't think
I'd find the same, and they mattered. Simple.
Do they read this? I don't even know, my page counter doesn't show it.
Pityfull old mans bablings? Fine with me to hear that, but bullshit.
Wannabe compensational peptalk? No. I had, and have, no problem being found
attractive. I can play well, have more than enough knowledge and conversational
skills to be interesting, have never exactly been 'average', I speak my languages,
have lived on my own and independently since long, have experience with
relationships and sexuality, I don't see objective reasons for problems in that
area, except maybe that I don't take pride in playing games. I don't think
thats a deficit, its a preference.
So why doesn't the Lord Jesus come down from heaven to kill all the
(and gals), heal everybody, abolish the world system, and let us live happily,
freely, fulfilled, etc. ?
Good question. It doesn't beat me, but I don't have all the answers.
The course picture imo is that it starts with the fact that everybody needs
Christs' atonement to be in touch with God, and that from that point on,
God makes clear there is a choice: His way or some other way. And that
he is serious that that choice needs to be made His way, or you're
in trouble. And that if the whole !^%&^%#& church chooses not to do as he
fucking tells em (deliberate choice of word, NOT sorry) , they're going to
be damned, and damn others with them. Thats a matter of God taking his own
serious, or override by robot-mode when they fail to learn the obedience
even through suffering loss of their worldly I-don't-know-what.
I firmly believe that God doesn't play games and that it is worth following
that the results that historically always went with that: people getting healed
and made free and able to live worthy of Him and at times in abundance of the
essentials and even more, are still available. And that his criteria are unchanged
just like he is.
He doesn't have a sense of reality, doesn't he understand that some
simply impossible ? No, he doesn't. Electronic watches with radios seemed
pretty impossible when I was little. A man and car on the actual moon would have
made Verne pale in comparison. Historically very sound, well documented and
dateable material in abundance to make clear that eye-witnesses were very
sure a person had overcome death isn't very credible. A constitution that
takes such a person serious enough to base a lot of its rules on is remarkable.
I've seem people get free of things, being healed, I've seem my life change in
ways I wasn't even aware of at the time, I believe for a reason that the
God i think I've followed, which probably coincides with the person I read
about in my interpretation of the bible is worth being followed, and apart from the
supernatural, his doctrine, expecially on the things that realy matter, is
just about the only doctrine that realy makes sense. No 'it is better to be worse'
bullshit, no tricks, no lies, no cheats, justice, peace when possible, I buy that.
It may mean war. When those abusers are threatened to be exposed and
with everything I can find to get them the fuck out of everything in society except
prison or a coffin, they're not going to like me. I built computers when I was 12.
I never missed out on reaching a (albeit mostly technical) goal I set out to
achive, and a lot of them were everything but pityfull, I am incorruptible
in any serious sense of the word (either by nature or because of lack
of things to blackmail me with), and I've rarely be seen angry yet, because I didn't
see a reason, but it can be expected that I can be deadly when I am. Well I'm not.
When all that is true, I'm furious. Outraged.
So lets go to Califonia, live of selling flowers, forget all life's
our own..), dance on the vulcano and at least have a reasonable free (ggmmphh,
as the grass dealer about that), happy, joyous, 'young' life?
Seems to beat living in a system that should have been shot to peaces before
having been prototyped.
Is that relevant in the whole of things, except for stimulating my multidisciplinary scientific interests, and maybe focussing my higly active thoughts? Yes, it is. It is the basis of communicating in probably the most influential way, and should therefore be reliable, notmessed with, and it might be desirable to be able to say more about it properties. Funny to remember that with MRI scans of brain activity (I think it was at Cornell) 'they' even 'found' a centre of religious activity of the brain. What does THAT mean? Fun.
Would we be exposed for what we are? So? Got a problem with that? I'd
just like to be able to chose wether I participate in experiments, or not,
sort of having final mastery over the webcam on/of switch,
at least. Did medical knowledge increase human misery? Thinking about it that I've actually met (though not realy talked to) a medical docter who I now assume has turtured, wraped and killed in ways I only want to know about if there is a purpose, it is unimaginable that that profession can be used to produce evil in ways I can't even imagine. What can drugs, cuts, internal operations, and I don't know what do to a victim? I only want to know when there is a purpose, either to expose and rigorously stop, or to understand the victim of such an act of torture.
Such knowledge will not stop me from paying taxes for medical care,
but it gives me horrible thoughts about what may all be going on behind
those hospital walls. I'd still like medical are, would I ever need it.
I also think that abuse of medical knowledge and equipment generates no
thoughts about abolishing medical schiences altogether.
What happens to a person that is wraped by close 'relatives', mainly? I think spiritual bondage, it being very hard, seemingly impossible to be free in one's own mind. Thinking about that, I'm quite sure I've encountered that, and it seems to me that being close can stop that, and that than the major problem is fear, for the repercussions of criminals loosing their grip over their victims.
Would a fast car help?
It made me think about the reasons those most essential parts of life at some point were for some time reduced to very little by now appearant reason, at least for me. When it is true that abuse and torture of little children, mafioso family 'games', forced hidden prostitution and all kinds of incredible emotional and physical abuse are amoung the reasons that parties have been puttiing a lot at stake to control my life, and to keep me away from verything that would make me act freely and show myself at least a serious threat to their power and position, these kinds of insane games must have infulenced just about everything I've been into, and that's an unpleasant thought.
As I've started thinking about these severe, urecognizable deviations of any acceptable form of community life, I remembered a lot of situations where definately very much along the lines of others trying to gravely affect my personal life, and that raises various responses in my soul. The first and major response is that I'd challenge anyone to do so in the open, with clear reasons, ad if not: the longest finger would be a very good indicator of what I think about that. I'd like anyone who defends that they can secretly mess with everything of mine they can get their hands on to achieve some of their miserable goals to present to me how they think they can get away with that in the light of the constitution. Sometimes I realy think that some of the things I hear people taking for granted in society are nuts.Must I offer my children, if I'd have them, which I sort of hope I don't because then somebody would have kept an errourous predictor test to herself, to be sacrified by some wrape and torture ritual to have their most personal parts sacrificed because some priest, mafia leader or family nutcase clan deems that best, or because thats the way the deamons want it, or something, or because it givens them some sadist satisfaction?
No I mustn't, in fact I have an obligation to present the police with
such grave forms fo abuse, and the constitution saveguards the integrety
of the lifes and bodies of all of a countries inabitants, thus providing
the legal basis to prevent these kind of atrocities.
I was writing in 'dear alien' perspective, and would never have thought that some constitutional rights, laws, and binding guidelines for the state systm and its functioning ('modus operandus') would ever have practical value and even be at stake.
More later, need sleep.
Should I write about everything? No. Eventually, I want a good picture of what I consider important, though. Apart from other things I wrote about, it does occupy my thougths: can I put HiFi/PA systems together that I like enough to put on the market, and what about competition. And of course: the same for a synthesizer: I've said I would make one, and for the die-hard unbelievers: a 19 inch rack and loose breadboards are there already to do a heavy octaved bass sound, its just a matter of putting the oscilators on a circuit board, experimenting with the preferred waveshaping and aplifyer circuitry, and replacing the Z80 I blew up (by putting and Elco-d 30 Volt or so on it, accidentally ...), getting my Z80 software on a PC, and finding a nice uart to do midi processing, and all this preferably in a repeatable fashion. I don't need it as my only source of income now, so I think it pys to approach things a bit industrially now. That means a generally usefull processor that I can repeat (handwiring as I did now is a lengthy and tedious job, quite possible to generate enough circuits to have an income, but far from desirable). The same for the synth stuff, I took time to listen, try some (not enough) filter variations,
i think about what I've gotten into, I'm quite sure people I regularly
work in the vincinity of are not anywhere near what I'd want when I want
to meet people from my wanted page, or similar. I have facilities at least
to do some mechanics and electronics work, and computer facilities (gotta
get a recent linux on an pc that can be spared, soon, maybe as a web server)
I think the most people that run things should be considered not into the kind of horror I've described currently, and I consider that essential, but that doesn't make it all good. It is good to have opportunity to start business that at least looks serious, which may not be easy for me to do otherwise in given circumstances, I can't assess exactly how much would come of it, but consider the plans uttered by a serious person, and that could make it possible to do what I want: go to california (preferably), replenish my financials, including the headroom to invest and prepare some serious high-tech and scientifically challenging setups. And thats all relevant.
9 March 1999
My computer still is in construction. It is realy MY computer I'm talking about, it's a Z80 based (but running up to over 30 (thirty) Megaherz!) processor card with display, that is akin to products that where made 15 years or so ago, except its real low power, a order of magnitude faster, and cheap. I have the circuit boards and the breadboards laying on my desk for 2 weeks or so already, and still haven't taken the time to put adres decoders and read / write control logic on a breadboard, even though I've built it at least several times before already. No harm done, but i want to do some synthesizer driving (funny term) with it: make control voltages and even generate (8 bit) samples to squeeze through the filter unit, but I want to do it so that I have a setup that pleases me, I want to be able to program the board in a nice way, that is repeateable and efficient.
I enjoy (still mono-ized) music over my latest speaker cabinet, which seems up to serious music reproduction, it does voice reproduction well, which is a good test, I feel like hearing in stereo, I'm curious for the stereo image. I'l put some pictures up. The second amp is similar: I have the parts, prepared the mechanics, but I didn't take the hour or so it takes to put it together. I even have a 300 Watts continuous power supply ready and tested (hooked some car lights up to it for testing), which is very up to driving 2 channels with over 100 Watts of 'real' power, I got the heat sinks, and the cabling stuff, but I'm still thinking about the amp I already built: the IC I used for it for instance has very good dynamic range: whisper quiet without singal, up to very loud. But there is this little hum in it when I open up the volume all the way with no signal, you see. I don't like that. So I did some obvious checking: rotating supply transformers, checking grounding connections, checking cable shielding, etc., but it seems that the cause lies in the not perfect behaviour of the common mode rejection ratio when the inverting and non-inverting input of the amp 'see' different impedances. So I'm left with either stabalizinf the supply rails, which I do NOT want to do, adding a low impedance driver, or squeeze out a smart solution that leaves me with a 'one IC' solution.
I'm sure there are better ways to use ones' time and intellectual powers,
but I have this habit of wanting things the way I want it. I don't like
it when things aren't somehow 'good' or the way I find then pleasing or
satisfying my idea of what it right.A one chip 120 Watts power amp with
fairly good specs, I like that, so it shouldn't be messed up by the need
of an abundance of external parts. That's not right. And an amp that can
be quiet to the point of one's ear against the speaker shouldn't be a bit
I could make the damn thing just to sell it, though: throw in a LF347 or so as microphone amp (more or less promised that already) , and use the remaining units in it to boost in input level and put the main volume control before it, so the end amp is driven with its desired low impedance. No. Don't like it, from a sort of general idea of electronics and efficiency esteatics. Probably not smart, hey, I'll live. Sort of cross word riddles for the scientifical jobs challenged? Not realy true, I just received acknowledgement for an article abstract I sent in for serious conference.
Helen offered a shower (mine is out of order) tomorrow, nice. She's
painting portraits in one afernoon, and I like some of the older paintings
she showed: I can't help (and don't want to) feeling in place and pleasant
watching somebody *realy* paint, I mean the concentration, the expressions
that end up in brush strokes, and the messy environment. She can afford
to want to make painting a major part of life.
I still must get some means of transport, besides the tram, maybe I'll go for a bike, $100 or so should get me a decent (legal) bike.
Lots of 'things' to think about.
Not good reasoning. I should think about being financially sound enough
to do what I
want, and the processor card would jump-start my synthesizer design, and other things as well, so it is usefull. Or get a well paid software or, beter yet, 'consultancy', job, preferably in a californian company. Up to a hundred dollars an
hour or so should be quite possible. Save up 6 thousand a week, to have a nice savings after half a year or so, that would even allow one to live (modestly) of the profits.
So? it is hard to give references of a university that efffectively kicked me out for no good reason. When my 'friends' for instance whom I had a company with have realy been as malicious as I now must think, I expect no good of that, either.
Make my own way? That's what I'm doing. Get a temporal job? I've got some income and my basic needs covered, and the possibility to develop some of the things I thought would be a good plan. I've even submitted an article abstract. For me not the top of my thinking fruits, but I'd say relevant and fun enough. And potentially lethal for my former project leader, professor and other experts.
I'll probably get a webcam the coming days, not that it will connect
24 hours a
day, that would generate a high phone bill, maybe later, though, as I'm arranging
a cable-linked connection. Cheap stuff, not comparable with a better video cam, but still it looked serious enough in the store. A video digitizer for the G3 is also worth checking out, though the intended video processing won't be a breeze, I reckon.
Yesterday I 'glued' a painting on a car, in VR, that is: scanned a picture of a racing
car , where the owner wants to put a painting on. The painting is of a painter sponsored by a saus manufacturer, he uses ketchup and mayonaise to make portraits. So now the car looks all covered in saus patterns. All that to raise a ton of money or so, and it looks funny.
On the mory heavy (have as byword?) side of things,
what if I 1) believe the holy spirit is personal, and 2) he (as a person) makes something clear that pertains to both the personal, the relevant, and affecting others? Listen, I guess. 'have it tested by fellow christians' I'd say, preferably.
Yeah, right. The ones that thought it would be better I'd end up on the street with nothing are going to pray or talk with me to make clear what the lord god almighty they fear less than the world system has to tell me. I don't think so.