Several of the people I mentioned I had a relationship with, I still want that, and more.
Major questions and (preliminary?) answers
Can one feel as closely related as a wife (in the non-buying,
non-possesive, non-forced, not-married, and not missing the
goal sense) with more than one person? I think it is possible,
but it took me a lot of consideration, and it doesn't seem
obvious, or something to particularly strife for.
Is agape^ too limited for that, or will grace (charis, free gift, outward beauty, graciousness) abound? That will only be clear by testing (for some biblical persons it seemed fitting), I think it could well be fitting and (personally) desirable, but have not too much unambiguous experience to start thinking from.
Does a 'as a wife' relation include sex? Obviously, that supposedly is a not irrelevant part, and from my (limited) experience I would say it is possible to share that with more than one, and that it is a mian fullfillment in life when it works, evidently depending on the rest of the relation, peoples thruthfullness and goodness, etc. Oh, I'm talking adult (can I say that?) sex here not a limited, unfullfilling variation.
Does the above exclude other relations, including sexual ones? No, I think, agaiin after a lot of thoughs, that the answer is that this may even be desirable. Consider the various phases in (also biblical life as well.
Jeanet K. is one of them, I'm quite sure she has tried through
imagery make clear to me that more than ordinary events have
taken place in her life, and she even tried to spell it out
by handing me articles about metaphores...
It is no secret I was in love with (and loved) her, and at various occasions I couldn't understand the contrary signals she seemed to emit, sending me a postcard with an invitation for eating whipped cream cake alternated with writing me she didn't want to relate to me in a more than friendly way at the time was examplatory for the confusion I felt confronted with in many other ways. I can have varying thougths as to the meaning and reasons for them, and want at least to make clear that I gather that a lot more people have wanted to interfere with the course of events, and that an infringement on personal freedom on the level of relationships is not something to take lightly. Or she just considered me nice, which would be all too contrary with what she expressed in my perception.
There are not a few others, some of which I have addresses of,
or that I never got very near with, or with whom less personal
Clair, who I talked to on a party, and liked very much
but didn't come on to her more when I regularly met her later
because she had a boyfriend I didn't want want to steal her
away from, I'm not sure for all the good reasons, and certainly
she took a place I'd have liked her to be in more.
Of course Annemiek, one of the singers of the band I played keyboard in for some time (smiled a lot after band practice).
Yvonne, Melinda's sister, not the same connection in my mind, but I found her friendly and attractive, I just didn't understand what her game was.
Several people I recently met in Amsterdam, who appearently feared a lot more what was all going on than I was aware of.
I'm not sure what the value of a list like that is, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some people, but at least it expresses some things I felt and which were meaningfull to me.
I want to make clear that I am neother interested in the games, nor willing to take part in them, and that the only way I want to live is indeed in freedom of choice, and in a way that I can look at myself in the mirror for, and that everything or anybody that makes me or anybody else (especially someone I care for) different from that, has two choices: stay in my way and win, or I do things the way I see them fit. And have the constitution of most western countries on my side to do so. Maybe that sounds negative, but I strongly believe it isn't. I want to be able to deal with people I love (or like, or respect, or grant their constitutional rights) in a straightfarward, honest way, and am not willing to let anybody change that.
The main thing is that in the past people I've been or would have wanted to be close to have had to do with situations I at that time wasn't aware of, and I looked for a way to make known to them as clearly and broadly available as possible what I think, because I'm sure certain people have acted on my behalf, without informing me about that, and that certain responses I have given people were not taken for what they were worth, distorted, or simply biased becasue I wasn't aware of what people around me wereup to. So that's correction, and that is to make clear that there were people that I valued and wanted to be close to, and would still want to be close to. And I want to make clear what some people have on their conscience by trying to mess with my life, not out of revenge (they'd know about it if I want that), but simply to correct what they have caused. Not to start a romance or not to do that, simply make clear what I value, and where I find place for.
Writing pages like this, and, worse, having them read by people not in so many words acknowledging that, is risky business, though it is not intended as such. I do not mean to create hierarchies, unless that would seem right, which I think not too often, and I certainly don't want to create jealousy or rumours (talk to me straight, if you dare. I think it's quite easy).
At least I want to mention some more people, not necessarily as a 'wanted add', because it's a long tiome ago, but at least to do the above, and to prevent misconceptions. And I would like to state again that I don't find this a very comfortable or obvious communication, I just have to conclude that certain people have tried to play games around and with my life that go back this far. If that's not true: all the better, please inform me, than I just hope some people may have a better understanding, or at least feel better. Otherwise: you don't have to read it.
I want to start mentioning Anita (I think it was huisman) in primary school, in love, what's there to say, Miriam Stormer I should definately mention, a.o. because I've never forgotten dancing with her too, and I had her in mind a lot when I did some very nice equipment designs, at least she inspired that, because I felt she liked me, but somehow I didn't see things go beond that, though I definately would have wanted that. 'Le freak' (chique) is the song I primarily associate with her. Again only recently I remember she showed me, while dancing at that song, that falling in love would drag her and me down, at least that makes sense now when I think about it, at that time I just knew that I wanted just that, and didn't have a clue as to what might have been going on. She has a sweet and a very unhappy face side on one of the school pictures, I gues that sais it. Would sign up immedeatly to slow-dance with her again the way we did. Hope she still has her hair as she was: long.
There was another girl in primary school that I considered very attractive, she may have been called Nadine, close to the Agneta Faltsgug (or something, the blond Abba woman) kind of attraction. That's a compliment, and I remember some very remarkable thoughts I had concering her, only recently ringing the bell that she too may have had very serious problems in her life (imagining myself tied together with her naked with very serious ropes and than being suspended is a strange thought at primary school age, very not pleasent and pleasant at the same time, I guess that was the point). One look I vividly remember of her: smashing to ball back in some game with such fierceness and anger that I still feel how much she appearently wanted to express something in a very pronounced way. I should mention the girl that brightened up my sailing camp (4th grade), Francis (whom I never realy talked with), Clair, Renske, Mareille and I'm sure I still forget significant persons.