I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and
that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link
without my prior consent. That includes familiy, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is
that it may well by that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies'
of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be
treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the
whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise. And I
am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but
infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of
state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.

previous entries
 

11 March 1999

                        would you buy it?

Tweeters are still a bit feeble, but not suspended in thin air as my balloons will be. That's a twelve inch, btw.

Christmas lights?

No! An amplifier supply under test.

Got myself cooking gear, first self-cooked meal in a few months, if you don't count microwaved pancakes, did some serious vacuum cleaning, too, my carpet (see picts page) was very dusty, so I spent some hours to undust it.

Watched some TV instead of managing myself to buy a web cam, hook up a mac with an ethernet laser color printer, do some more ethernet hooking up, and getting a server running. Can do that tomorrow. First: the Z80 computer, and some serious reflection.
Is it to be considered bad or special or I-don't-know-what to like to watch tennis only when steffi plays? Guess not. Not democratical? There's no law against prefering one over another. Sexist? Why? For liking her, finding her attractive? Maybe, she should judge that.Would I like her if she were a mediocre tennis player? What a questions. Can I like abba just because of Agneta? In fact I liked the music.

I'll do some more life-painting-photo-shooting tonight, can be enjoyable. I am not fully to grips yet with all image processing power that should have been harnassed in photoshop. Covering a car with mayonaise and ketchup takes to long, and was even without 3d corrections. What happens when one decides to want to do video processing? One would need heavy computers, evidently, but still, just carving out the basic shape to process is not trivial enough with my current tools, I think.

The world is fucked (sort of) and that type of thing is what I currently focus a lot on. And a Z80 paradoxially anachronistic processor card.

   (The display has a few segments lit, but the camera doesn't capture that all to well)

Won't that help? Donno. Without internet this wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have been able to do programming in a decent language for free, and I would have had a hard time figuring out quite some relevant things. Simply put: there isn't a straight answer to all these questions, I'd need more information, that I don't have.

So I'l focus on the things that will at least yield tangible and useful results: I decided to invest some effort into connecting up processor busses, and make some general bus read and write logic: read data on a led display, use a keyboard to program bytes, have an address counter to step through memory locations, that sort of thing.
(times many)

A solid calvinist work attitude should be ok for three quarters or so, as long as it doesn't take on a too important place, or all the week of time...

So, then it is permissable to create a science and production corner

As long as this is still around,

work can be done.
 

14th March 1999

Helen.

Is it necessary to know everything? In general: no, it wouldn't even be possible, depending on the definition of knowledge, and I certainly don't consider it desirable.

I've heard, thought about, and read about things that I certainly don't need to know. The misery some people go through is so horrible that it makes me feel bad to know about it, except when that can be of some comfort or make a difference to change something for the better.

Can one lead or give direction without knowledge? Relevant knowledge is essential, otherwise to impossible to asses a situation. Relevant knowledge can be limited to the knowledge of what is desirable, combined with the knowledge of feasible ways to get there, and preferably skills that are needed underway. When there are disturbing factors, it depends on how much power they have over the things one encounters and has to deal with, how much knowledge is needed about them.

Is it fair that people are tortured, wraped, abused, mutilated, done wrong, stolen from and dishonored? No. Can I help that? Not without knowing what is going on where and how. If I would see somebody almost being tortured and wraped to death I find it quite likely I would kill the one(s) doing that. Not because i would feel good about it, but because I would want that to end.

What does one do towards victims of a wrape? Is it possible to ever realy recover from that? I think so.

Christians that allow things like that to happen, take place in the power games around, and even teach that to children are better of dead. Literally dead. And I wouldn't mind to cause that to happen. When you think you can fuch with the most sensitive areas of human life ans still call yourself a fucking Christian, I want you to be dead. Dead. A murderer is a murderer. A thief is a thief: some prison, criminal record, or pay for the damages, easy enough. A wrapist is cruel, and as a 'manly' or even 'woman'-ish assessment: a nobody, pityfull if it weren't that bad, and evidently sexually incapable. A christian that does that can expect me to want kill him or her when I see them torturing a victim almost to death, and makes me simultaneously want to vomit, kick them out of everything that i associate with what I consider christian, and do everything I can (legally, unless in a situation of war) to let them cease to exist, doing that. A christian that thinks he or she can fuck about with what is of God, use his own or others to sacrifice to deamons or whatever image, sell people like cattle, and fuck with peoples whole lives have not only not understood nothing whatsoever of heavenly things, but can expect my utter counter-cooperation, and any means I can find to stop them, and depending on how I believe them punish them to every legal extend I can achieve as punishment. And if they'd have the freaking nerve to claim 'but I am a christian' i hope that the times of anias and saphira (who dropped dead because god didn't accept their lies) and corintians (where 'not a few' died for similar reasons) will return, so I don't need to feel like ending other peoples misery because god himself does.

But the satan and I don't know what excuses for human life form are so powerfull? You are going to die. Thats powerfull. It never failed thusfar. You are going to be dead. feel like praising something real powerful? Death is. Nice ? Nope. But trylu powerfull. Not some nobodies that can't get free of their bondage to have to hurt and abuse others, but realy effective.

Not very christian thinking., verelst. Oh no?
Liar. Did you ever read Romans? It talks of death all the time. It even sais in our precious sacred black book that 'death reigned as king from adam onward'. So I repeat: you want to convice me of the great power of the rulers of this world? In 120 years from now, they're all dead. And most of them forgotten. THAT is power. Never fails.

When you're old enough to read this, you have a little over a hundred years left to live, tops. Then you die. Permanently, irrecoverably, with almost complete certainty. Want to impress me ? Defeat death. Jesus did. He didn't say: fuck little children almost to death, play pityfull powergames on young ones, rob everyone of their dignity, make them bow for some to-stupid-for-words world system and thou shalt do well. Make people mourn so they will be blessed. Let us stay with sin, so grace may abound. Oops. God forbids that, according to Paul, who according to Peter, who knew Jesus first hand, had received his doctrines from the holy spirit, too.

'If any of you seduces ONE of these little ones to sin, it would be better for them if they got a millstone around their neck and be thrown in the ocean'. Not some old testament prophets' proposterously dramatic bla-di-bla, but the one that before he died made claims that He seems to have made true. You know what his followers were supposed to have as their fruits? To cast ouyt deamons, and heal the sick set the captives free, not to add to their misery and bondage. Lets have a session to dishonour our lesser believers women?), wrape little ones into bondage to their oppressors, and proclaim our praises to the wannabe thing (if it doesn't even have the nerve or power to have a body and stay there so I could properly kill it to make sure it isn't god, a claim i don't make) that seems to be so much trouble when you're not following the real holy spirit, to utterly proof that we are not living proof of his power to change for good and to overcome that type of misery, first on the personal level, and also as a whole. I don't think a nobody (I'l explain soon) like that has the right to tell me fucking everything. I had a person in the Amsterdam church for (of?) Christ division tell me that I couldn't expect to get any support if I didn't earn my own living, and denying me the entrance to some (not even his) group that apearenlty was to holy to act as samaritans. Should say that, because that wasn't the situation. I wasn't allowed in their services! Why? Because I didn't collect welfare, and was run out of possibilities to have even a miserable job because certain people had deemed it best I would be forever nummed by subdueing me to a social aid that was not only ou tof place, but completely not to the point. I was actually proclaimed NUTS (seriously) for wanting to know the truth. Imagine that, Jesus sais 'I am the way the truth and the life', and christians are against me because I persue truth !?! Oh, and I was of course to full of myself, thinking I could built computers outside university, on a virtually non-existent budget. That nice embroidery was a nice anti-depressive, or something, but nothing serious, of course. And christianity probably agreed that it wouldn't be worth the few hundred (guilder, about $0.50)  or so to see wether the thing actually worked. The (catholic?) university or I don't know what circuit decided it is not allowable to do science in freedom, probably cooperated quite fine. 16th century? I wish. In fact: it DID already work, but no expert apearently was up to the sys to publicly declare me not suffering from delusions of grandure. To add to the 'fun': I used a soldering ion fedheated by candle sticks at some point, and the whole thing ran on solar power...

Dont't take im serious, he's dangerous. He would expose christianity (and society, of course) for being so rotten that christ himself would have to return to clean up the mess. Or to rule it, I don't know, it defies my sense of logic.

But the people he was praying with never showed up, he is just nuts to think that women like that actually want him.

Pardon? Let me get this straight. There are excuses for human life forms that have bearly enough sexual capabilities to perform wrape of little children, and then still need to make them suffer incredibly to feel on top of them, and the victims of torture, wrape, blackmial, witnesses of cruel and utterly cowardice murder and mutilation (I read about this type of filth in officially backed books) are to be blamed for being just a little bit short of perfect, still, to approach somebody that they would dread to tell about what had happened, and god forbid still happened, and threatened with everything including ritual slaughter of their hidden children, are to be subdued to these basterds judgement, and at all cost kept under their control.

Why? Is their a declaration of right for human torture that forces christians to do so? Is it a constitutional duty to make sure that this death-worthy (if your state has death penalty) must at all cost be kept above my head because otherwise i actually might do some real damege to them? Does Chirst repeatedly teach us that if we don't slauhter some real little victims every now and then armageddon is on our doorstep. In that case, i wish it were.

I could kill people like that. I realy could. Bang, dead. Next. I would feel no remorse. At some point they might convert ! Wel, then let them hurry, I don't care, that gods business, not mine. As law abiding christian I have both the constitutian and the ten commandments (that may well be maltranslated, but at least have a sensible enough place in the protestant church I was in at times in my yought) to live by. Lawfull application of the laws of man would put bastards like that way for life, without any doubt. The ten commandments and attached rules would have them killed for even one wrape. take your pick: should I judge you as a christian, or as a civilian? I'd prefer as a (enemy) soldier: bang, dead. Next.

But those satanists are so incredibly powerfull? Yeah, and the end you might even die. Well, I've got news for you: you will anyway. But 'they' would make our lives miserable.Who gives a shit. In the end you die anyway. Thats right: you will die. Die. I am not doing an impersonation of a stand up or not stand up comedian. I'm serious. When you're affraid of that kind of thing, I seriously suggest you think about the most horrible and powerfull thing of all: death. They can wrape: they still die. They can (and of course at times can't) kill: they still die. You can slaugther many children, give all praises to the little (infinitely, in fact, considering it has neither a body nor a dick, 'it') satan sucker (I think you're a sucker if you have to 'pretend' you have power by deceiving people, startin ghen they're small, and play pityfull secrecy games to get some power, while God still has and always will have the real thing), be an incredible sadist, and i don't now what else: YOU ARE STILL GOING TO DIE. so DEATH is more powerfull than you are. You may try to stop age-ing, you may think to have some real power over the world systen, hell, you might even press the atomic war button: YOU ARE STILL GOING TO DIE. nana nana na. sucker.
Not scriptural?
Sucker. Or in fact: liar.

This makes clear how I want to see things in perspective, but it does in no way at all deal with the hurt that is inflicted on people that are victims of such nobodies. Or heal them of the incredible misery thy've lived in, and in many cases unfortunately still live in. Now I think, in retrospect, and not for that long, that I hae been made to suffer emotionally more than I ever though, by keeping any kind of serious relation that even did justice to what I could be and do away from me, and on top of that keep away or break of any man-woman (c.q. girl-boy) relation I would have wanted. What a power, heh? That depends. if it took the continuous attention of people in 'high' places, and included just about everybody that put themselves around me to blackmail and threaten the ones I wanted, and considering they only think they could do by be sneaking behind my back in SECRET, I think it is pityful. Only a sucker would battle somebody that way. And only real sucker would need so many of their kind, and loosers in the end still can't make it work. I did do things I wanted to do, I will expose them, and I am not dead. Though I did open some drink bottle some time ago that smelled so bad I think it could have killed a horse. And felt feelings of indigestion that i think rarely would be caused by rotten food. Especially considering it wasn't once. I didn't die, though, so either somebody did a real lousy job (which is stupid), I am seeing ghosts (in fact i don't even care much about it), or there is someone up there that does have the keys to death and hades, and the absolute power it takes to use em.

Is that important? For me personally the latter isn't at all, the former is. IF it is true that people have known about my capabilities for a long time, and have tried to use prophesies of the real god to base their own games on, and have both people in gouverments and in 'powerful' (ggmmppfff) christian circles, on their side to try to rule the waves generated by abusive should-be-dead wrapists, thiefs and killers, they can expect everything up to ful out war of my side to blow them away. Big talk? We'l see. My primary concern what of all this true, and how. Then I'll share my thoughts on what i am going to do about it, because I DO fight in the open. every little detail of my life is on the street, I have nothing to hide except for things I feel ahave to do with others that i respect not be endangered or embarised

It takes only a few well paced bombs to blow away every european gouvernment to seems to want to think they in an organized manner undermine everything our forefathers have realy fought for and be child wrapist, whore torturers and blackmailers at the expense of my tax money and social and christian efforts. Now that is ILLEGAL, but true. Unless it is war. Then it is not nice, but deadly, and probably effective. I would not have let little adolf live out of fear for killing the anti christ and bringing about armageddon or similar bullshit. Unscriptural? Jesus himself said that some wars must happen. I've started to understand why. When this type of non-persons (to make clear I find their proclaimed 'greatness' not only proposerous but apertly ridiculous) is realy running a lot of my countries' gouvernment, and on top of that deem it legal under their non-diplomatic non-unvulnerability to enslave and torture as whores people that I want to love, a declaration of war is not that far off.

And I think that child abusers make very pityfull soldiers (let alone men), so I'd win easily. Lets see whats more powerfull: a little deamon or my bomb. Cowards like that don't scare me.

Mind you: I am not talking about something illegal. I first very accurately need to assess wether they are realy that much going against every single serious law my country has. And WHEN they do, it is justifyable to make war. Real war, if needed.

But the rest of society is equally bad! I'll be the judge of that, not some bastard that should have been dead before ever released in my democracy.

Impossible job! Guess that's why they call it 'faith', and not 'the consequences of the first and further communion with mafioso liars, wrapists, killers and other types of criminals'. I believe in Jesus' words, as any christian does, isn't it? It seems not.

Apearently you're nuts when you are a christian, or I'm stupid. Suffer for the name of christ, I guess that means continue to forgive your liarich preacher for abusing you in the name of christ. or something worse.
I've actually witnessed non-persons that 'led' 'christian' (would be running out of quotes here if there were in short supply) gasp 'the satan is in me' while they were preaching their 'gospel' or whatever it was they dragged on about. It looked like a gigantic ego boost to me, and I don't remember a word they said. Must have been real interesting, bu eh, don't kick the liar out, the world system would be against you, and christ tought you to subdue to your preacher. Where on earth does it say that? You hav eto WANT to be free though, I can't force you.
I think paul gave people over to the satan (in spirit, without even being physically present) because he didn't like them enough even to be near the ones he loved, and not that he didn't even have authority over all that while he was preaching. The only reason I would ever visit agroup like that is that I think (maybe hope) that some people would be serious enough to take their real faith as the basis to fuck all that and be serious about wanting to be editfied in TRUTH (there it is again, he's getting nuts, I drag on about that because those dear christians, or at least some of its representatives, actually tried to force me into the nuthouse, without success, but I don't exactly like them for loving a lie more than even caring enough to let me know what the hell has happened with my personal belongings, let alone with people I want to love that suffered more than I), and live accordingly. So get the hell out of that, and follow christ, and live at least reasonably holy lives. And not look at porn movies, because the pope forbids you to use birth control. Oops, too fast, i shouldn't hurt all those poor little blackmailing liars to much, and i don't make sense, or do I ?

Probably that's because I've only the last years started to think about sex in 'christian' context (whatever that is), and am still amazed at the amout of hypocracy, stupidity, liarishness and downright evil intend that 'chirstian' circles allow to exist. I've already written about the fact that I somehow seemed to want a lasting relation and sex only inside that when I became aware of christ and wanted to live according to his will, and that I often felt it wrong to look at a girl in a sexually charged way, probably for various reasons. But I can savely say I wasn't hypocritical about it, very strict, yes, but not hypocritical.

When I was not even thinking about my faith, I did have sexual relations, thought about girls/women a lot, spent a lot of time with more then a few that I at least likes and found attractive, and some reflection again seems in order. First the big one (it could have been): was it bas to have sex outside marriage? Fuck the pope. Is that an answer? Maybe, be it means: no, it wasn't, not at all, the reverse, I think it set some people free and gave them (including me) something very essential. And it was veeeeeeeryyyy nice, I should mention. Whew. Because it was such earth shattering sex? Not at all, at least it wasn't my opinion that it was even out of the ordinary, I just guessed sex was nice. And it was. What was? Pretty simple, feeling attracted to a woman (girl? No neither qualified as girl, I'd say), and giving content to that also by sleeping together and being and 'coming' (what a word: 'what are you doing?', 'well, I'm coming', 'to what?', 'well, ehh, good question!') inside her, at times even during the whole night. Real nice.

Baddd christian? No, i don't think so. I wished no harm, humiliation, or anything evil, I didn't force or hurt (I have wondered wether the strong feeling at some points would not have put me up too much at some points, but in retrospect she seemed to like it) or did anything violent or even unpleasant at all, nor even ever felt the desire to, and I wouldn't hesitate to share that with someone that I feel seriously loving towards. Anything else to it? In my opinion, it wasn't much of a hassle, it nice to be touched and to touch when loving someone, as long as it is real, and as long as no third parties mess things up. Do I need it? I guess one can live without without serious problems, but I don't prefer it. Is it impersonal? No, I guess some part is not not completely tied to a person, but in general evidently you 'feel' parts of a person in a very direct way, so it's not a kind of service, it is an imtimate relation, I wouldn't want to see it otherwise. Influential? Hard to say exactly, on the personal level, any relation has a great effect on emotions and thoughts, on other areas of life: looking radiating will impact that, too, but the content of one's occupations stay the same, of course.

Is the heaenly involved? I'd say so, I feel strongly about the fact that the change of heart ('I will take away your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh') that acceptance of christ as lord affects the sexual part of ones' being as well. And that is good, and anyone ewho messes with that can get me angry to the point of rage. I realy think that lies will in the end distort that, and when coupled with evil intentions can cause serious hurt. I also believe that the healing that the new testament talkes about, even in 'supernatural' forms (ask seriously edified nuclear physicists about that) strongly holds for the emotional and relational area, as wel including sex. Is it important? Within limits, I'd say its quite relevant, but I don't share the opinion that 'everything in life is sexual'. Though I guess there is a lot more for me to know, from what I've seen I don't feel lost as to what it is about in essence, at all. And I still feel similar as when I described above: it is primarily about a serious relation, although I can well imagine other purposes are possible, for me it is relevant when I relate in a meaningful way, preferably with a future to it.
I'd have no problem imagining living close to eternally with the ones I've (and would still) love.

20 March 1999

Would he be computer crazy? No not realy. It is fun though to share lives with people 4000 kilometers away almost on a per minute basis, and to do more publishing with greater potential audience than most books ever get, and to put the internet to work as an information slave. Should I write slave? Considering one may want something done that will take 'work', a computer can easily be but to work at it as a slave. I've done some tcl/tk (Meredith is currently into pearl, I've stuck with this tcl/tk thing for some time) tests, which is pretty much slave-like: letting it compare half a million lists for a certain word, and see how long that takes, and then take it from there. Slaves. Not nice. To be one, in general. Although, in the Roman age, it slaves were running households, and were prefered civil servents because they would serve the state more impartially. I'd be a slave for a good purpose, though it wouldn't be y prefered mode. I also don't particularly like the idea of having complete control over what others do, although again, there could be a purpose. Being a good programmer is somewhat like telling a rather dumb but quick at the stupid things it does slave what it is supposed to do, in great detail.

Being under someone else's responsibility makes one free of a certain sense of deciding on directions, that need no be bad. I never dreaded being a work-slave, unless there were other reasons. Thats 9 to 5 voluntairy slavery, with financial benefits. A soldier is pretty much a slave, apart from nuclair all-or-nothing war, that's probably the only way to be effective. An exam could be considered slavery of a useless kind, except it has a purpose. Anyhow, a computer can make a pretty could slave, and there is no need to bother about its or my feelings about it, so making good use of it seems right.

On the serious side of things, Helen did some drawing that I'm bound to take serious:

how about that for photoshop and pen and paper. I'll put on more stuff, also paintings. I'm sure she'll have her own web site soon.

In fact in some time I'll be putting on a hell of a lot of paintings when the cable-based internet connections arrives, and I'l start (mind you: start) some hefty server to carry it all. See if I'll Linuxify a PC, or maybe tcl/tk-webservefify a Mac G3. Techno stuff. Putting some video bitage on will also be next, though there is a 200Megabyte per month limit (or $0.30 per extra mega, 10 sec webcam update x 60 min x 24h x 30 days = 0.5M, so with 40k images thats already 2 Giga bytes per month, getting it down to active hours, 30 sec updates, and lousier jpegs can get it managable, but then still), major bummer. Soluable through a 'personal' cable link (at $50 a month), though, will see.

I was experimenting with the tv card, and captured some Tory images from a live concert I stumbled upon with my pa at moderate but high quality levels (so much for the commercial),

what does she think of when she sings like that?

I think I would like to trade for her Kurzweil, but not for her past. She's got a foundation against sexual abuse, and those 'wonderful' 'christian' (quotes again) images of her past circles somehow spell out 'bad' to me. Must be hard to snap out of the fairies, then. Would she respond to my email? Never know 'till you try. Made me think of Josette, who I had a band with (she sings, or, at least, sung), I did realize she had impact on me when she sang. She surprised me by how she could look at some points in time, better then the miss usa she somewhat resembled. When I met her, I played drums (hardly ever had done that before, in fact, but fun enough), and wasn't that pleasently struck by her until she got up from where she sat and sung.

Took a peek at some of clintons speach today. Can one rule the world without being bad? Is it 'nice' to live? How much 'power' do I have?