I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are
copyrighted, and
that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link
without my prior consent. That includes familiy, christianity, and other cheats. The simple
reason is
that it may well by that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal
'copies'
of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and
will be
treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies,
but only of the
whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise.
And I
am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it,
but
infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the
authorities of
state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.
 

Previous Diary Entries
 

April 8, 1999

Tomorrow  there will be tv recordings for a program of what in english would be something in between  'two cheeky girls' and 'two brutal girls' alias 'Tatum & Jennifer'. got this pic of jennifers fan page, I think in the real, she's prettier. And I think she is realy, realy nice, though I never met her, which is a nit of a unusual way to think that.

So, did things get out of hand with Helen, being at home, and yesterday even work together, wouldn't that be too much? No, more is nicer. Nothing anymore would be bad.

Now what about the wanted page? Well, it's still there, because its still true, and I expect it to remain true, although hopefully not in the 'wanted' fashion.

Makes me wonder though what it would be like, some I could simply meet and things would good, with others, it would feel sort of funny, and in serious ways difficult, because what can I say to someone now, realizing to so many incredible things must have happened to them. With respect to the abuse, in all its ugly forms, I would feel inadequate to say something except for the things I've written about, and I don't know wether that would be the right thing at the right time, and in terms of my faith, I don't know at all, that's not in my hands.

And I will have so many questions, because I find the whole situation and in fact 'that' whole world to incredible to be true. How does one live with a family that seems to deem it appropriate to almost slaugther and wrape you to death, and than appearently still think they can be treated for anything human at all, and even be at 'high' places in society. Why would you not want to get the hell away from a life like that instead of clinging to the few benefits you may have conquered. Why does a whore (a 'regular') one not kick her pimp out, that lives of her, mistreats her at least, but instead develop a warped sense of care for such a bastard.

Power, undoubtably has to do with that, and fear. Having never had a life that is even remotely private, let alone safe, may make it hard to even understand what I consider a normally desirable situation. It does strike me that if I would ever be in situation where I would see a little (or big) victim almost wraped and slaughtered to death, I would not hesitate to kill the one(s) that do such a thing, and I repeat the killing part, because I don't think I would have any other thought than that such things simply shouldn't happen, and I would have no fear whatsoever of the supposedly great demonic forces or whatever other sacrifical reasons, and find the most effective and final way to end it all. I think it is relevant when (if) this is read by some of the people that I want to love that I consider tht the only emotional response I can stay real with. When an object that bears the name 'father' considers it even conceivable that his (maybe even unreal and impossibly young) daughters provide sexual 'services' to him(it)self and other objects unjustly labeled  'men', and consider it bon ton to exchange those kind of pityful and highly illegal favours, what else can you do than either indite them, or flee, or both. And when it is realy true that in 'society' (gmph) this is not just an occasional crime, but that the whole tower of babel that is built around the 'need' for this and incredibly much worse, than I wonder why it is so hard to understand both the need to get as far away from that as possible and the stupidity of fearing bastards that appearently realy believe that they can be feared as the great rule it all and know it alls when they can't even fulfiull their sexual desires in a free and at least reasonably nice way. And can't even control themselves into not being bad.

And when anyone wants to suggest that all of that is good and necessary because men and society are bad in the first place, I'd like to see how they would do an a logic exam. Lets get this straight: because the system is bad, it is better to put aside al appraisable, good, just, honorable, likeable, desirable things, and make the system win so in the end it is better? So the pope must say it is good that many masses are sacrificed so many masses may have something better? It sounds more like the wrong solution to the problem that men and thus the world he naturally creates is unable to defeat evil and the spiritual. That is not a reason to aim at producing more evil, but the contrairy. And it means especially that when you have something that is very capable and even good, like a wonderful little whore that is even stupid and powerfull enough to be good (and not to bow for that stupid wannabe thing), love and respect is in place, and when you are not capable of that: who asks you to deal with what you can't deal with? If you can't have children without abusing them, don't have em, I won't mind.But when you 'have' someone that is even good, you should treat them for that, and that is not the same as making them whores, slaves, merchandise, and the like.

On the 'real' (how long would it take for that to become a liarish, empty, popularistic buzword ?) christian side of things, anyone even suggesting that organized sacrifices to deamons or institutionalized whoremonging (two bible qoutes) are acceptable is immedeately no longer suspect of being a liar, put proven, and in my mind trialed to be. And I believe Jesus is not a liar, and He would be proven to be, I'd chease following him, for real.

Here's the email quote I promised some days ago:

Hi Erin,

I read your mail, and have just one main reaction: I've heard you pray very
different things that what you now write about, and that leaves me with only
one conclusion: either what you write now is a lie, or what you prayed
when I was near wa a lie.

Christ does not merely need to humble us, but does so for a major reason:
to live in His will, and I now for sure that he called us to live in truth,
he even sais he IS the truth. Think carefully about the fact that the holy
spirit is not going to give you revelation about things you already now.
He is not pityful, or in need of power over you, He's got that already,
he just needs you to understand things he knows are important,
so you can chose the right things in freedom. And 'understand' is not
'learn to subdue to his opinion', but to see what is true.

Truth exists independently, what is true,
is true, not by voting, not by aligning opinions, but simply because it is
true, and He wants us to see truth, and acknowledge it, and live in it.
Thats the 'gospel of truth'. And Jesus is the only one that could say 'I am
the truth', that ius why it is the gospel of Christ.

Every gospel that is out there to put people in bondagem abuse them,
their bodies and/or their capabilities is NOT a gospel, but a lie if it claims to be the same.

When you know you should be with someone, and you chose instead to rot
away in some place you never should have been in the first place, the best
thing he can do is put you straight, and no monestry or 'nice' church is
going to help that.

We actually talked abou things that are so serious that even worldly
judges would sentence people to life or even death for being that abusive,
murderous, liarish, and criminal. When you have been subdued to tortures and
abuse that I find hard to even imagine, I can understand you have been
very seriously affected by that, and that you want something good instead.
That is the opposite of 'forgiving' that kind, and seeing you life as involuntary
victim as of the same breed as they are. When you want to live
in christs' will, they will be against you, persecute you, try to put you down
and drive you away from your purpose, and 'they' include liarish and
hypocritical 'christians' that use christianity only as a cloak for evil
(and there is amply supply of scripture to back that up).
And God can make you win of that, and wants you to, Christ sais so himself,
repeatedly.

He doesn't even ask you to be his slave, he wants you to be free,
and even to flee from situations that would make you a whore or a slave, or
both. And all that is plain scipture, no need for retranslation.
You want to live according to his will? Than you would better accept the
things that require no kind of revelation whatsoever, just basic english
reading skills. And I write that in a harsh way because I'm serious,
I usually am, and when very serious things are at stake, you'd better be, too.
And mariage, serious as it may be, is NOT the answer to the question as
to how you can be serious, or a good christian. Paul wasn't married, Jesus
wasn't, the only married apostle that I know of was so already before he
met Jesus (Peter), that should say something.

I've met and talked with people, hell, I'v even emailed people that show more
sense of truth than all of organized chistianity I've ever encountered in
my life together, which led me to a simple conclusion: they can go to hell.
And I mean that, they can either come to me and realy ask me what I think,
and live accordingly, or be put aside by me without any power over me or what
I think whatsoever.

I don't need to be in a christian program, I need to live
in truth, and as far as it depends on me in peace, and according to His will.
When I know he wants me to do, aim at, and deal with certain things, I'd
better damn well do it, or I'm going to get in trouble. When I met you, I
was in incredibly akward circumstance, but at least I knew for myself
I didn't go against what I knew about that he wanted from me. I wasn't
happy being on the street with nothing, in quite a dangerous environment,
that's easy to imagine, I know for sure that it wasn't even HIS will to
be in that little devious 'plan', but I did do what I knew was right,
and that may not have made me peacefull at all times, but it didn't make me
feel bad about myself. That fact that other people are liars that sell
everything and want to be devious, schemers, hypocrites, and more than that
does not make ME that, not even when at that time I have no power over them.

So am I saying that Gos isn't a loving father? Of course he is, but he is
also righteous, and truthful and just. If you chose to go against him,
he is not going to support a lie.

So who am I to say so? When I met you, nothing much, I guess, hardly had
a penny, no position, no acknowledgement of any of my capabilities, no friends
serious enough to realy deal with what was going on. I had a few advantages,
of course: I'm and official engineer (EE, as you know, although I'm
sure they tried to challenge that as well), had done a lot of things that
have been lied about, but that I did do, and I have ample edifiaction in a lot
of useful things. Currently, I've been working again (still need to pay of
some debts, but I invest for that, and company-wise its hardly worth
mentioning), have built a seriously used amplifier and speaker system, the
essence of the synthesizer I talked about, set up a web server, made a
database, made art works (paintings) available with it, and I am even in the
process of being official director of my own company (though I didn't even
persue that at this point). And I didn't lie, I didn't cheat, I did nothing
that realy went against my beliefs, and can look myself in the mirror
without disliking what I see.

And my convictios about my faith versus all off christianity I've allowed
myself to be exposed to have only been confirmed: I have nothing to do with
that exept when people realy want to, and clearly live lives to match what
they claim.

I feel christians have been working against what I want, and even personally
inflicted great harm, both to me, and people that I want to love, and I hold them
doubly responsible for that. And I do believe that soem day I will be
judged by christ to receive reward for what I did do right, or feel
ashamed if I didn't. I am convinced to salvation is for ever, Jesus won't
discard someone he saved, ever, but he is righteous, and just too, meaning
I'd better know what I do. Scary? Maybe. Wraping, killing, toruring, lying,
merchandising with people, and whoring (in the sense of neing enslave to being unreal,
nothing to do with being married or not) would scare the hell out of
me.

I'd run away from that, try to expose that, make sure I;m free from that, and
even go to war against that.

So seriously, I'm not at all happy with what you write, and would not feel
right about saying you are right, I think you are wrong. I think you don't
dar to face up against what they have done to you, and that I can understand,
but I won't accept that you search for revelation about things that I have
talked about very clearly, without the need for some degree in theology,
I would hardly need any edification at all, scriptural or natural, to
understand that God is not a liar, and doesn;t want me to be one. Thats
and open and shut case. You didn't actually SAY that you were abused in
ways that I've mentioned, but you acknowledged it when I talked about it,
and I refuse to accept anything short of completely wantiing to get away from
that. I realize that might put you in serious life danger, make you feel
realy miserable, and would cost you a lot of 'love' of shady or downright
criminal people, including the 'familily' that may have subdued you to
that kind of torture. So? You'd have christ. You would have the almighty God
agreeing with you. You might die! So? You would jknow you were right,
and aiming at precious things, true things, realy valuable things. And when yu
survive, you can live for real.

When I now meet someone I like, I can love without needing to hide or hold
back, I can feel good about being with someone, looking at her and me, not
feel hindered by what happened wiht me or around me, and feel good about that,
realy good. And than the whole of christianity can go to hell when they
want to tell me that that is not right, that I should marry, or at least
make some very solid (trading) deal, should be on the street to 'convert'
people to squeeze them in their miserable slavery to power and abuse greedy
or at best guilty and whimpy 'preachers'. Fuck them.
And none of the relations that I seriously wanted are now not wanted by me,
unless I feel realy lied to. When I like/love/want someone, I want it to
stay, and I have been able to do that with more than a few people for
many years, to I don't need proof to the point that that is possible, I KNOW
it is.

I wish you to realy be in him, you won't be able to mess with him anyway,
and they won't either, in the end.

Theo
 

That was to someone that I knew personally wanted to fllow Christ for many years, mind you.

So what's the main point? Jugoslavia at war, many people starving, many little and big ones abused ion ways I don't even like to picture, and theover occupies himself with former, current and {possibly again) future girlfriends. At least thats not bad. And can be quite fun. Fun? Fun. I'm nbot that much of a calvinist, when I for the first time left (local) christianity, and started living on my own I consciously decided I wanted to feel not burdened by 'having to' so and so, I wanted to feel free. 'Even' when I lived as a chistian, I was aware of the futility of being legalistic, though I still don't think it hurts to want to work (remembering that the truth is the thing that makes free, not the work) and tp be serious about asomething important.

So when all is so ugly, somber (as Andrea though in my head some time ago), unpleasant, seriously doom thinking (as Amsterdam would strike me, as a general picture), I don't think it is bad to focus on things that are fun, hell I even thought science was fun! Stupid me.

And a girl/woman (still haven't figured that one out, let me see: am I a man after 12 or 18, after I had sex (and if so in what form), a serious relationship, a postion in life, am free from not dear mom and dad, live on my own, etc.etc ?) that I find at least attractive, and possibly a whole lot more, can also be fun. And very serious too, and still more fun. And nice, and good, and exciting, and interesting, in any order. Fun!

Webcam (even home) images later.