I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes family, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is that it may well be that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.

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Sun Oct 28 2001, 1:00 AM

Four letter words and their meaning

There's a not so well known queen song on the first album from that english phenomena I learned by heart long ago, though some time after 'a night at the opera' was made, called '39, clearly about what happened just before the second world war.

Those germans and others must have been pretty deluded on top of being bad enough to go for the pretty insipid and stupid plans of that little indian impersonator with mustache. Kill all the jews, gypsies and gays and the world is going to be a better place. Betray all there is and listen to the great leader in the sky or in your head or on movie and we're all going to be happy and wonderfull. Conquer europe as if you're a modern roman empire's citizen or soldier, and made all the world's riches yours? Yeah right.

Punish the jews and God will be on your side; be a good money keeper, sweeze 'em dry and make your little stairway to babylons towers' next story work just enough and real nasty and Jesus himself will cry and praise you for it in the end, and bless your personal anti-christ spirit more than all others, and you'll make big mamma realy proud.

Should I explicitly state that that is sarcasm, even? It seems for some I might have to explain what the reason for such tone could be. It means you suck. Bad. That you're not fit to be called a human being when you stick with and follow and appraise such logic. And that I am not joining the lie that anyway it is better to oppress, to steal and cling to faces with your life, to make what is free and maybe good enough defiled, oppressed, miserable, taken unserious, pay for their beauty, and God knows what more. Because I don't think that lie will work. And no matter that the world by nature is pretty bad, I don't find motivation in that to joing badness myself, historically I find enough incentive to even want to go against it and belief that it is possible to make lasting changes which are worth effort for many.

Not by making the layman and lower babylonic circles perform a preferably regular and thorough sacrifice of the masses to the liar from the beginning or one of its deamons, or two some image or spiritual existance I wouldn't even like to know about let alone observer or take part in, such as the moloch, the beast, and all that. Simply because I don't belief it works. Realy not. I'm positive such will never make anything worth while, while getting away from all that will at least make me to begin with not so miserable in life, a mercy that is possible legally and even practically for even most in western society, which should not be underestimated.

So the bastards and the criminals go free, too? There are sufficient normal, established enough laws, in a system dating back longer than most families remember, who could take at least reasonable care of that, so I'm not too impressed with the idea that I should give up that what I'd want to find normal in life is unthinkable even, or alien. There are big places on this earth where without oppressing others in a major way there has even been (mostly) peace between many states for centuries, and I'm sure that sane enough thinking underlies that more than most other things, except maybe religion.

And I want to stress again that I see some very clear lines in all this which I am not willing to sacrifice to some bloody lie or to some rich who claim they'll in the end of course bring about the chances I'd want, but they have to use me to get to the top first, of course. Seriously. What are they called, Marx? Where did they get their education?

But mister, I you don't play along, you're never going to make it! Maybe. 'We come for your protection, pay up please'. Oops. I'm sure there are very evil and quite evil circumstances where people are not free to chose their live and even parts of it. But if I can't even make a free enough way in this society with my possibilities and education and lack of badness, than I'd feel too bad about the whole of it, so I'd become against the games people seem at times again to want to play just because I'd feel bad otherwise. And at least I don't need to feel unrealistic. Hey, where are you going with that gun in your hands? Not to mechico, but to defend the constitution. That's not too bad, I think I can handle that, idea-wise.

Article 15 of the dutch consitution states that nobody can be robbed of their freedom unless there is official legal reason. In practice, suppose I apply for a job as an older, unedified former house woman with half grown children, and no family to take notice of, and I realy want to be hired, than what can I do, apart from applying for wellfare. Every person has also legal freedom to chose their job, but how does that work in practice?

I've been fine enough in that area at least not to be taken unserious, I've worked in small and big companies, for short times made more money per day most people probably never make, and saved up for my official civil servant pension for the better part of decade, for more than a few years as electrical engineer, working in top computer design area, so I've been around the better side of things more than enough to know what that can be like, which I at the time in general found to suck, but that is not on the scale of second world war or child abusers and the sort of incredible misery that goes with that, but being unaware of that just in direct personal sense.

So I wanted out, to the states, preferably, though I'd even enjoy the broadness of an autobahn to some nice enough area, preferably at 150 or so. And I'd make music, prefably contemporary Jazz/Fusion (rock/funk) and be away from technoland in my free time except maybe for cubase (a music sequencer program) and for 19 inch racks or keyboards with synthesiser computer circuits to program and most of all use.

I'd walk or drive around, and I'd be bored, except maybe going to the beach, doing some fun enough art stuff, go out with someone I'd find attractive or entertaining or friendly enough, that sort of stuff. Visit friends I than considered such.

So I thought I'd make my life more the way I'd prefer by using my talents to make me exportable enough to go to where I'd want to be, and be away from a country where the highest desire for many that is not so bad would seem to be the infamous 'gezellig'heid, which I little short of felt like dispising because it would make me feel like visiting my mother, who sort of had laking capacities to treat me for more mature than maybe 11, instead of making a life I could reflect on and like enough. Anyhow, the dutch are famous enough abroad, so I had international opinion easily on my side to make clear I'd want to be away if I had the chance to do such reasonably.

Lately I basically lack the money to even consider such, and there has been much more clearly enough planned against me to make me worry about not loosing my credibility as sane or professionally capable person at the level I targeted. Having done both probably enough at least to have not lost the possiblity to aim at achieving what I've thought desirable for longer than years, it of course did occur to me that realy many people have been bad, stupid or deluded enough to make society around me and many others such that it hardly ticks normal anymore. For reasons I could go into I think I'm not irrelevant in that, though I do not feel satisfied or safe claiming all too much explicit relevance in that whole of things now. At least I'm sure in christian and lets say intellectual (not very good term) sense errors have been bad and effective to create much of evil nature which comes up and messes up society more than I like. Not just here, when I check out cnn it seems present in not just europe, though I'm still sure I'd want to cross the great dividing ocean without bringing much, culturally, for instance.

And christians sinning, erring, deluding and being deluded, being real and affraid maybe or not willing to lead or be led out of badness, or not being actual christian in any sense than position or namewise at all, is of course a concept that spans major areas of life in the middle ages, I don't think that will be argued with all too much, so that is not new, and the error to want to play God's game with all that in his plav and thinking that will enrich the better players I think should not be repeated. Because God may be angry if you try, its only major portions of the old and new testament that warn us not to, because it is doomed to fail and to not replace the damnation that goes from non-well, non functioning or evil christianity with a similar one by being such on purpose. And inventing idols isn't ever going to work for sure, either, that usually realy messes things up bad and for a long time.

So is there a Holy Spirit still who fills the ones God made new person through his Son when they ask Him? When there are still people (even children) prophesying and speaking in tongues there must be, though they'd better be tested for being indeed good persons, credible, and gifted with the right spirit and not some angel of light which will make all seem all wondefully colorfull until you call its' shots.

I'm sure the Holy Spirit still converts, convinces of sin and judgement, witholds and fill people, unless I'd stick with sort of clinical attitude where all above the normal human is considered non-existing because I don't want to or can't dela with it, which I regularly prefer in 'normal' enough circumstances and life in the 'normal' world, but not in general, because I'm sure there is only one real saviour son of God, and that it is not possible even to be in touch with the real God without Him, and that the damnation sin brought in this world and the 'games' God makes happen along those lines I cannot understand, let alone play without Him at least giving some clues. And way to many evil parties I'm sure would (and most certainly did) take my place with all the strength and riches they can lay their dirty hands on to make me satisfied with wanting a quiet and peacefull life in that sense. I'd prefer to be a nuclear missile in that comparison. An incredibly fast and effective one, preferably, because there are parties and persons in this world, especially I think with christian type of names and aspirations which I think I can hate considerably. For their existence in their lets call it evil intended sins, for their will to mess up what is good, for the power and riches they steal from defenseless persons, widows and orphans is maybe a biblical comparison, for the abusiveness, also physically, they maybe indulge in or agree with, for their God insulting power greed, their hornyness for money and riches and ownership of people, for the schuck on their faces not so much, but for the fact that there are people who wrape and kill and slaughter in the name of christ if they have the chance, and want to rule in great evil, and be part of the depths of that satan I can even quite completely command in practice, Im sure, which I find revolting and horrible, at most, but not even interesting, let alone a sign of manlyness or greatness or something to look up to.

Don't you wanna join our wonderfull club who is realy illuminati connected enough to realy become something, huh? No I joined a university club long ago, and as a result am edified more than you'll most likely ever be with your stupidness, thank you very much, and you know what, I only sacrificed time learn how to solve differential equations and have some fun with graphics, in case you were wondering, so I even had fun, thank you very much. So what is better? Join a little student club, redo what the great mummy whore does and better, and sell yourself to become part of the (hopefully dead) beast, and study at some human interest faculty, or become techno person, learn math until you almost drop, and become capable of theoretically and practically make lets say cellular phones, given enough additional experience? Well, we wouldn't all be the latter, I guess, though on the other hand, that would not make the world bad by itself, boring in another way, certainly.

Learning what family A has against person B isn't that interesting, I can imagine it can be enlighting to become free of such limiting games, and that in general university education, lets say in history as example can be more than gratifying enough, and completely worth it, but not by taking the carreer hike with a student organisation which has got abusiveness written all over it. And I was (maybe without paying I still receive bills) member of a young-people sort of club myself, so there too, I don't write from just a distance: the other kinds suck (at least), realy, they do, bad even. And the fact that in certain areas they rule pretty much the carreers of certain walks of like lets say of businesses in certain areas where that type of student makes maybe their daddies connection work, maybe are chosen for their position in a shadow society fabric I don't even like to know about or because they decided to play the abusiveness game better and aren't stopped.

So naturally when it comes to lets say intellectually charched power games, I'd claim my education and get pretty far at least claiming the freedom to be quite equiped to claim and lead my own route, normally, and probably have a sane or two thing to say about leadership questions asking for some degree of intelligence.

As a kid and teenager I wasn't all to interested in such question, and by nature, I'd lead more than average, which seemed more than fine with most and with my friends, so it never occurred to me that there might be major problems in such areas in society I wouldn't know about in general but not so much in my own life. But when the nazis are at the border with tanks, I'm sure a person changes his or her mind about the relevance of power considerations, no matter how debasing they often are. And even regardless of wether they are on the good or collaborator side of things.

Now at this moment the borders where such type of military activity happens are at least two day drive away from me, and I don't suspect the germans will have another go, so what happened with our grandparents being young matures doesn't seem that likely at this moment. Than what, have discussion groups, pun intended? Why not? At least when there is trust enough to make a point and seriously think about it, the worst misery will get less place. I'd not like to try the principle with child abusers to shake hands with. Seriously, the idea that I've worked with instances of about 80 kg of water and some proteins who were as bad as wraping and killing children (I wasn't there so I have no proof, but hold it for quite possible I've not been illinformed) can easily get to me enough to want a war to stop that, though at least I have the advantage of having beaten their person and system and spirit and intellect enough to even aspire a position over all of their heads in their own area, there'd be no laughter if I'd try even there, which I think authority and idea wise is preferable, but not over instantaneous death of someone in defense of the torture or possible death of a child.

Apart from such direct considerations the idea of breaking the silence around illuminaty, rich tribes with power, all kinds of knowledge in sense of hidden agendas for the world and persons in it seems very usefull to me. And achievable enough. Not even the antichrist would have the nerve to go for world power it would seem if they have to show their pityfull ass or whatever it is in public to pass the normal human initiation of getting some trust or position. And being rejected for their lies and unrealistic or downright evil plans is natural enough for the greek to have made fun of for thousands of years ago already.

I've tried having normal enough conversations for years, when I was doing fine enough, which in more than a few cases worked and was satisfactory, with some friends and girlfriends for instance, and at times with total strangers, which can work fine enough, though the spiritual may very well have been in the way to make that natural and blank.

But meeting a persons and having some assumption of freedom in them to deal with me or others reasonably free and than have interesting fun or pleasing enough even normal conversation is rare it seems. Maybe with the assumption of unfreedom to some extend one can talk, and possibly even about serious subjects, but that is not so easy. What a quality of life is lost with that alone already. And than having that compensated with the attitudes and lip talk (as far as that is reliable) minister president doesn't elevate one either. 'I wrestle and emerge'. Maybe they would, but it's not pretty sight, and definately not my game or interest to play along, I'd rather not get in that where they're wrestling, thank you very much, there's not enough competition around to want to wrestle anyway in any sense I'd want to take very serious or to heart.

Still I live in the lowlands, which I only later understood maybe as some swiss border watch seemed to want to make clear years ago, so why not make the best of it for now and these surroundings anyway?

Fine, of course, if I'd want to damn it and make it miserable and have effect, I'd be in a damned surrounding myself. Then again when bad kinds of people rule to much and have too much power, even though in the world they are no more than flies and a stamp, they don't deserve to take this place where their leaders and deamons want them to take it, and me in it. So I'm sure the logic in Peter that God sends a strong delusion to many to belief a lie holds here, too, which means they are stopped from being very effective in their babylonical rites and their power systems where they'd maybe wanna be little bumbs on top of big ones on the beast in the spiritual world by being deluded, and also by being damned. According to Paul those who hold a gospel, a message of good news, which is not the actual gospel Christ gave, are damned by it.

So if I'd have the power and use it to get them out of their delusion all too much I might be going against Gods will, who sent me to places not for them maybe but for others, who are serious and aware of the relevance of Gods words in a good form and in a way which builds them up to become even effective against the evil empire as christians are at times given the grace to be, which I now think is probably pretty much the only mercy in this world available to actually achieve freedom and some kind of likebleness in this world, and would better be respected for it, at least by those with effect, or serious about wanting truth in their life.

But in public I'm not going to pretend I'm buying the s* that society seems to want to or has to put forward as if it is the best and most incredible this world has ever seen, and me subdued to it. I am NOT subdeud to nazi asses wanting me to hand over my talents and capacaties to raise power and money to the next train to spiritual auschwitch because I might be a treat to the zeros that have power or want it in their pityfull minds (nazi soldiers often were the kinds that wanted to be motherf*'ed or so by their great leader it seems to me) cannot beat me or deal with me. FUCK them. I suspect some persons I've 'known' all my life have such inclinations, for instance, and their responses the last years at least make clear there is no way I can trust them even to begin with.

The capitalized expression is serious, I mean it that I find that kind with all I suspect lies behind it worth such strong words and attitude, it is what they try to do with others if they have the chance all day long. Many cannot speak the way I can at least write and sometimes speak, because they're not lucky enough to have the posibility in various areas of life, while I don't have money enough to pay some things I'd want to pay, but I sure can utter what I think about types of badness I observe being of kinds which can easily be circumscribed, defines and written of as desirable ways in this world. And seriously most all the kinds of evil and the persons wanting to advocate them I can discern or observe are almost pityfull without compare to begin with, except possibly very evil in its outworking, shakespeare is hardly ever found by me in current practice, most of the games I've observed are to pityful for words except for the evil they produce.

Meaning that the concept of aspiring positions of power with actual persons who indeed can be talked to and taken serious enough, even when they are not all good or agreeable, currently is not at risk of taking along many of the evil kinds which would want to speak great swelling words of vanity or boasting, they wouldn't make it, I think. And of course especially in a country where 'overleg cultuur' is haute couture language in management sense, that principle when applied well is worth using for the same purpose. I've hardly had a serious talk or conversation about anything realy relevant in these areas for a long time, though a few I did have, which probably is good, which is quite contrary to my obvious and proven enough capacities to if I would so desire take course to a high enough gouvernmental position. Which I do not desire, but still what a waste to not use a coutries' talents righ, even if just for opinion making, thats' a bad sign for civil servantry machinery.

And don't forget I've been sort of kicked out of university, too, apart from not visiting my mother nicely and neatly for not taking the first thing about me seriously, and seriously trying to have me institutionalized for being a nut at a (local) career dip. So his family ties he didn't manage well, aha, and what about his carreer? Well, he didn't get along with some real nice little scientific person who would have sold his and is girlfriends' life for him quite wonderfully to some great hidden and relay coming up system, and of course he cannot claim the abovementioned position, he. No? Why not? Well, he socially has never been around, and one of the only few link to the higher classes of child abuse families he seems to have lost, so basically, he is a nobody. Isn't is nice that our little boy is given a little place with some obscure student wannabe musicians at least? Huh, what? Oh yeah, marginal, just like his electronics hobby. You have done your job well herr Flick.

Scuse me, I did top level jazz songs, too, and in spite of just about everthing I've seen happen in a very long time in this country what I was relevant factor in worked enough to be popular and not of the sucking nature just about everything seems to have to pay its dues to the mammon (lets take that one this time) with. And there proof enough of that, and it seems it has not even remained unnoticed at the time. So why was I not on the hit charts, huh? Good question, why hasn't akkerman been, lately, various reasons, I guess the record company salesman saw no way of making me openly expose my grandmothers and fathers side of the family clearly enough to effectively betray my person lastingly enough to the moloch (lets permute the list on the next page) to actually have me make money with music and get the things approval, too. Or I'm one of those unrecongized wannabee talents who end up being second rate professors in not knowing because they are actually to insane taking a place that doesn't fit them at all? Did I push it now, you mf's (certain kinds intended) ?

I'm certain that the things I at times, without question with also through the presence and work of certain others won from the gloomyness and misery of life which isn't worth much, damnation that goes with reversing satanworshippers with the power, authority and credibility of the true God, and the lies that surround certain people with talents and in the end makes bookkeepers of their train to certain destination very happy trades'men', and made my life even here worth while in my own opinion in such sense, I could beat again, and that in the end I could push it again, this time demanding that at least I'm taken for the qualifications I have, and that other areas I didn't consider at the time would be in that picture, too, but frankly I don't see the point of making my current life a 'proof' game of that game, to proof I can beat the face stealers again, and acutally get some approval of the kinds I'd wish dead as sane person of any kind and reasonable conviction.

I don't need to proof myself in those ways, except when I can gain personal or other freedom with it, or otherwise achieve something worthwhile, like making a (normal enough) small ton of money quick enough with for instance software. There is no point, and I don't give various bad kinds that I find discpicable on top of that they suck, or worse, that they can play a game arond me as if there is for instance even competition at stake. I've more than proven myself enough to claim I can compete at world top level in electrical engineering, computers, physics, and music, at least, and I have enough qualifications to be taken serious, there going to have to be satisfied with acknowledging that, and that's it. I don't need a child abuser to appraise my qualities, I know various values good enough, I'm not in need of being motherf*d because I didn't receive love or acknowledgement enough, I got better uses for my time, soul and ego. And as far as I've been let's say rejected for fitting enough positions, I don't even hold a grudge in person, but I will not give away or in that sense 'forgive' anyone unless I see reason to, and I don't see any. Let them squirm that deserve so if that is possible, at least I'm not giving my blood to some vampiers who would walk all over me if I wouldn't have gone pretty far not to give up or away the normal human and additional honour that I can claim. Fuck them.

For normal 'house' use, that is strong language, and it still deliberate, if they want to play all the nazi and catholic (new babylonic) games again with me, that's when it is up to me all they'll ever get; a middle finger in they face, which means I don't acknowledge their righ to 'be' as they are making themselves or made into. Fuck that. I've won that game the sort of 'ego' way before I was outside normal competition rules (careerwise and most likely social-wise) betrayed out of my position and its logical line of possibilities, so much that I'm sure two belgiums and many others still quite remember, and I'm sure they haven't found the technicians, scientists and musicians to take my place. Period. And I'm sure they still are the sort of weenies and weakheads they were in personal sense when I had the dishonour of working with them before realizing they might well be in some very bad circuits and activities. I guess the dutch system had to let the connection and betrayal done by foreigners, I don't know, maybe I should have tried to contrary to normal logic chose another carreer start at the time. Anyhow in various quite relevant areas I'm the best or close to it, and they'll this time not have the priviledge of my niceness. Is he nuts? And i mean it, this time I don't feel like leaving the kind of social space where they're fabric I need to respect to even exist at all somehow not being challenged by me enough, I want them preferably out of the way in any sense, like they've quite going beyond anything reasonable have tried. Its visible enough to many what at least objectively must have been played, and they this time don't have the benefit of the doubt, I want to know their roots their so called christianity, preferably the connection it is about to prevent worse for others, and I think I do want to do society the service of making an issue of everthing I find relevant in the are of freedom and the violations of it, and I won't assume certain people have their own career problems I could be a bit senstitive to, I don't think this time. Though that is matter of principle, as I wrote I already a long time ago passed the phase of wanting to find certain kinds of acceptance in this country, and everyone playing my emotions to that effect will find that I find it even hard to laugh or spit at the idea, it is hardly existing in my mind, it has no meaning for me in that sense, not to say that of course I don't need, without question also because some have been there in various ways and times to acknowledge and love what was or is important to me.

Nou jongen, je moet nog een hoop leren voor je in het systeem een beetje voor jezelf kunt leren zorgen.. Yeah right.

Hij begint nu toch weer een beetje zijn oude ziekte te krijgen he, we zullen een beetje op hem moeten passen en hem moeten helpen, he. Push that and I might seriously consider suing you for slander, which I could make a solicitor do even if I would be deranged. In case some thought that, I did not play that game along, where I am at least sinner, or wrong or messed up some way, just to be controllable by all others who had to do the same, no matter what they tell you. I'd even claim being to intelligent to fall for that lie. Ask germany if they wanna play along. No? Are they nuts, too? At least they're europeans, so the cultural divide is probably not to too wide. What is that, you didn't know? Oh, befehl ist befehl. Well, sorry, we're not under nebukatnezar in f* persia, we're in europe helped enough to not completely perish in von Brauns or Einsteins inventions, and I sure am not Daniel, so the command will not be acceptable as excuse, and you'll have to learn the true song to rage and preferably win of the machine: FUCK YOU , I will NOT do as you tell me, or you're at risc of being called nazi, or simply unconstitutional.

And that holds for christians, too, especially if they make themselves all high and mighty in that name. I mean does a christian nazi exist? I'm sure christian (in name) child abusers do, and I find that insult to the real Christ enough to make a stand against, and I'm not to be brushed away easily in christian sense, in fact I find at this moment no other publically or prayer wise of the same contentwise weight anywhere I am aware of, and I intend to use every ounce of that weight wisely, also against such kinds I hate and dispise for obvious reasons. And to built up, hopefully set free, edify maybe, make think straight enough, and obey the true God and Holy Spirit when they're certain enough it is Him and what He means, quite some hopefully, who will not need to fall in such judgements, which I agree should start at the house of God, of which some may have suffered badly, and under circumstances worse than I like to imagine may well have shown more mercy and true christianity than their self made leaders can even stand the smell off, and who have as it seems no one even to take things serious much, unless there are some people speaking up.