Theo Verelst Diary Page

Fri Nov 16 2001, 23:53 PM

I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes family, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is that it may well be that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.

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Mustard jar

What's the a mustardjar with chopstics on top to me? At least there is dolphin show park where there is a hotdog and coffee stand called musterdjar, which has sealions,  which should have long teeth, behind or to the back of it. Huh? I was trying to see something in a public drawing bbs drawing, it seemed to make some point clear and when I thought about it a bit it was remarkable that I found that constellation, but this is close to divination or story telling.

It was suggested that I might do some story telling, as a way to paint some picture, to not be all to lets say direct and maybe intrusive with what I do want to convey in words. I'm not sure I have the inspiration in that way where I am, but lets try.

Peter and John

They'd made their way through highschool together, and weren't prepared to give up the idea that the world didn't deserve them. Not that they were friends, they were mainly sworn to uphold the same principle: the kind which wants to wrape and kill does not deserve anything in life at all, let alone to run it. In good accordance with history, they decided to take the 'there is not something better around currently' approach to sides of live open to that approach of dealing with issues in a way which makes their opinions expressed, weighed, and formed into some acceptable enough conclusion when possible.

Not that that was satisfactory when they chose different paths in life. There was Johns' preoccupation with the corrupted world, and wanting his piece of the systems so obviously evil. It was through Peter that he'd soon have to drink Socrates' cup in their communion regularly and then opt out of the next deal with mob, the rich, the abusive, or all. In the end, of course that didn't make him poorer, and he did fine enough in his position to even have some attitude about it. John needed a boost from him regularly, he'd been the thoughfull kind since yought, though probably shouldn't be, and needs to find some freedom and incentive before he'd be fun and interesting enough, and before he'd be prepared to take his non-neglectible intelectual possibilities to a realm where they would matter and maybe thrive one day if he'd care enough to make them.

Last year, jeleousy almost got to the better part of them. And it wasn't even about competition, though of course it would take a woman to affect them enough to have trouble between them. And granted, she wasn't the best one around in this world, and know for her playing with those she'd find fun enough to be with. John loved her. Not dearly, but still, she move him enough to care, which is probably rare enough in general, but John had it in him to go against to flow enough to realize what is possible. Peter wasn't interested in her much, but they couldn't resist the playing game, and obviously that could have hurt the other.

'How are we doing today'? Oh no, not the I'm nice approach. She had that idea every now and then, this time because she wanted to piss both of for being the way they were. Life sucks, so don't bother making me give about it much, and if you do, pay the penalty for being nice. M.f*s. 'Are we enjoying our meals?' Yep. They agreed. John was the first to give some place to her, quite modest, whimp. 'Lets say we've survived and are going to make it!'. 'Realy?'. Because he did care, Peter go away from the 'of course not you, m*f*..' mood which would put them in the acceptable enough but not very elevated just before serious adolescence emotional age scheme, and muttered something like, 'but not with you'.

That started it. John would know the game 5 steps ahead easily, and neither of them liked going for the obvious directions the karma of such remarks would create space for, so they had to deal with this one. Between the friends, it had taken them half their lifetime. It wasn't that hard now, but it would take work to get things straightended out between them, and letting all which is hanging in the air not mess with their final positions all to much. But she was intelligent, and wouldn't take the obvious 3d share, and probably shouldn't, she made their life better, and deserved at least some serious position in return, and not a lame democratic leader position, she wasn't enough of a bitch to reject her person in such a way.

Probably they should have dumped her at some point, if they wanted to stay free from her influence and the trouble she'd cause every now and them. The last year had made that clear enough, they wouldn't be friends anymore, or Peter wouldn't be near someone he was fond of, or the whole thing stunk. Who was going to save them? In fact, no one did,  so it stunk. Not that bad, but still acqaintances, collegues and some other friends would leave them with a distinct feeling of emotional distress.

These were the times actors had been presidents, mars landers loose the main thing they should be built to never lose, their communication, pop songs would only very occasionally contain enough truthfull acceptible matureness that mattered, ideologies hardly considered important, and the world in its usual sins probably bad enough to get depressed enough all by itself. At least there was good food, though. And why wish eachother not some good enough things in life, they all weren't that bad persons.

Bless me father for I have sinned? No, they weren't the kind. They wouldn't not utter their anxieties either, but somehow, the step of making what the 3 of them did find important enough didn't get found or taken well.

Their lives weren't soap operas where subjects ranging between pornography and religeous worship, family life and freedom sworn to the flag would need to pass by and make everything miraculously bricked together or into a well eatable soup. They weren't all too serious, but their sense of real life wasn't dead, and somehow they'd not want to realy fall for the obvious.

So a few lives with enough natural resources, even some love to go around would still not work right enough, but why? Stubborness? Conflicting interests? Agression? Emotional incapabilities? No. In fact it had taken a year to figure it out what the economist brain cell structures had actually been telling them.

Jealousy is the word for the problem. Not fear, not envy enough, not lies, not cheating and mistreating, not conflicting views, but simple jealousy. It didn't hit them, they just had started to figure it out, and didn't want bitterness and envy in the picture, as should be expected from sane enough people.

Just when they had been talking evasively a bit about their unease, she walked in, and it was all destroyed. She didn't make the wrong moves, didn't even radiate hostility or tricks, but it was gone. Silence crept into the room. The type of silence that can exist between two or maybe some more people who trust eachother enough was replaced by the same exterior, but with burning inside. If only she would have waited an hour before coming in and bringing along all those properties of herself the man were aware of without thinking. But now it was gone. They knew it was the end.

This could take years, if it would work ever again.

John started laughing,
'we were just talking about you!'

No, not really, though in fact the statement was true enough. They didn't live in virtual worlds enough to not in fact talk about eachother with clear enough words, they wouldn't fall apart under scrutiny, even, but their system had ceased to exist, and the raw emotions were a bit too hard to handle for 2 from the 3 persons present.

'What about?'

Obviously, the 3d one didn't like to be in the same mess as the two men, so had chosen to defend without much mercy.

'Nothing special'

Fear not

It sais repeatedly for instance in the bible book Revelation, when an angel and as it seems Christ informs John of the divine order of thngs and plans for the ways Gods mercy and wrath will have their way.

Fear is an open door for demons, and unfortunately, they may be quite for real. Though probably it is in general fortunate that Gods damnation stop great evils from happening and the world destroyed faster and more rigorously than I like to imagine without the Holy Spirit as witholder and probably may demonic forces to simply mess things up and crazify people enough to make them nuts enough to belief in the babylonic lies and system and rituals.

The picture I drew some time ago about for instance the country I'm in should include that fear, and inducing fear is an important factor to keep people in bondage. I've been pretty suprised at how far certain people I've worked with were willing to go to try to induce fear, probably as a means to power, but also as a principle in general which would normally speaking not make any sense at all. The double lived-ness of many probably has to do with the same fears inducing sorts of schizofrenia.

I'm definately at the point where I find it a small but insteresting enough challence to indeed state that many things I've gotten involved in, either by chance, by my own will, or by listening in prayer to what I think the Holy Spirit wants, according to reasonable christian picture, are part of lives which are crazier then I would imagine even including the kind of doubleness mentioned in James and in for instance Hammonds' (a christian who received and wrote about revelation, as decent enough spiritual gift, concerning schizofrenia as part of many christians emotional makeup).

Considering some  have actually tried to get me institutionalized years ago, and didn't succeed, it is sort of interesting to reverse judgement, but than again, the hammond text I knew long ago (like 15, 20 years ago), and  the amount of evil I've encountered or observed or been informed about makes it quite likely that many bad conditions can easily existin this world. And when they do, for the ones I may want, like, agree with or otherwise may want to mean something positively useful to, may well benefit from such knowledge or at least stimulation to think and see straight. Those texts I wrote about persons in a world around them I think were not therapeutical, its what I observe in society, on TV, its just there, and James talks (in the greek) about the taking of faces our trust in Christ should be free from just the same.

Gods will concerning marriage

Not that I have a problem or current major interest with this subject myself at this moment, I'm not realy in a position of considering marriage, though I could at least think about it, I don't care to much thinking about it, though I can, and with some I might enjoy certain sides of those thoughts, I don't think it is very to the point thinking about it, since a relation which is fulfilling, rewarding, interesting, providing in a need, or is tantalizing and making one crazy or something else itself is important I think, and the organisational form around it may be of interest to sort of right wing formal christian circles, for quite adverse reasons in general I'm positively sure, but not that much to me.

I could image marriage being a way to have a certain kind of security, but relation wise I don't like that idea too much, not because I couldn't deal with a long term relation or the responsibilities that may be involved, I have had (by far the most I didn't trust much anymore lately) friends for long times, some almost all of school life, which is eas and natural enough for me, and certain girlfriends, in mostly friend sense of the word, at least I've known over a decade, so I don't think I need to proof to myself or others what I find about such subjects makes sense or is founded enough.

I'm sure certain people, more than a few from long and annoying observations the last years, occupy themselves with me and such subjects in bad ways, so I find it important to make clear what I think, maybe for some understand they don't have a chance getting away from the judgement that I would have if they push that which they are doing, maybe for some a consolation or affirmation to know what I think, and in general being in certain ways public person enough I'm sure it makes quite some sense to reliably enough utter and make known what I think about such subjects which rule many parts of this world and the lives of people in it, even though many seem not to even want to think about it.

Just the same for marriage and relations, lets say currently I'm focussing on man-woman relations, with (in my opinion) normally speaking a sexual factor involved, I guess it is important to know what one is getting into and why, and what a persons' faith has got to do with that. When one wants to live according to reasonble or unreasonable divine law, one needs to know what that law is, and how it can be applied to life. Currently for myself I don't have that much problems with that in itself, when I like someone, I like them, when I find them good or bad I hope my judgement is well founded and righteous, when I feel attracted to someone I usually feel quite fine choosing what I want to or feel like doing with that, and in terms of what happens I'm fine with many situations as long as I agree with them, which is myself, and of course prayerwise, I guess that is normal when one calls oneself christian, essentially. I do, though I have reservation and major no-no's, meaning I don't at all subscribe to some major denomination or group for my opinions, and do not at all feel compelled to change that. Authoritywise there would be some persons I'd listen seriously to, but that's about it, I don't feel very obliged to anyone in the whole world in that sense, and I don't think I am a bad person or in much need of correction in the sense of learning to subdue.

'But let him look into the perfect law of freedom', I like that. I'm convinced that rules in the relation area are mostly, realy mostly, not the result of sound doctrine in either scriptural or human way, and I'm only changing that opinion or even considering it when confronted with factual materials to proof my wrong: these areas are major problems in the 'normal' world and in christian tainted ones, and the solution is not to get legalistic or listen to some pope or anti-christ better, subdue to the babylonics rites better or something along those lines, but I'm sure sanity, some amount of honesty, at least towards oneself and ones' own emotions and feelings and plans and soul-makeup, and sound, well interpreted and loving scriptural advice may help quite a bit.

I've met more than a few 'christians' or people that call themselves that or use the label or join with those who do so the last lets say 5 years, also since I've been interested in the subject of relations and sexuality in actual biblical sense, and NOT in some warped babylonical 'common' ('catholic') knowledge we all alledgedly relate to in our unregenerated spirit even. And the main thing I've noticed it best described as sin. There are hardly any relationships according to Gods plan and will as far as I can trace. Hardly any at all.

And oh my God, the number of relations, in the name of the father and the son and the holy ghost that aren't according to Gods will in my opinion, and the greed it seems sometimes towards that, and the interest to mess with the whole area is amazing to me.

What the hell can I expect of the rest of my, lets say christian, life when I marry, join with and live together with someone my father in heaven didn't intend to be with at all in the first place? Nothing much, I'd think. So I'd breath with, sleep with, be with, decide with, maybe be in the same skin with, and, God forbid, even have children with someone that is not even going to bless me in the sense of being there according to the will of the holy spirit.

I'm sure I don't need revelation or some special opinion from God to speak with or even to some extend live with someone. But for christs' sake, when I'd marry them, I'd gamble with just about the rest of my life, unless I consider seperation before it ever starts! I don't understand people in these areas, seriously.

When I think back of the time I've been 'christian' in the sense that I trusted some people around me who were teaching, and when I was convinced that marriage indeed was the 'normal' way, and sex in any other sense out of the question, I'm sure I can imagine most emotional and life tricks people can pull with themselves and others in the area, because I consciously fought them  for years in my thinking, without realizing or knowing why. I didn't err that much over all, except that probably I should have had more attention to certain areas in my life, and relalized how much badness should be fought and put out of the way of being in natural or new way of being with fitting significant others.

But letting some priest announce me man and wife with someone I may not love, shouldn't be with, because of some system, or some little voice telling me that way I'l realy beat my mother or what do I know what, and then having responsibility to make myself and that person and maybe more work for a long time to come, starting from what isn't according to Gods explicit will is a possibility I don't even like to think about. Seriously, why would I get that crazy? Maybe when I'd find a slavish subdued wife to make my life work I'd understand, but seriously, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore if I'd give into that, I'm sure. How would I do that?

If I'd live in alaska, and I'd decide to team up with the only woman around for long travel time even though I wouldn't love may work, just in practical sense, but whole congragations of couples that shouldn't be together at ALL in the name of Jesus, and they know it even through prayer or the remainders of common sense, praising God together as if their families and values are the best thing that ever happened on this earth and are worth preaching with great impressiveness and convincingness could make me puke or angry, depending on who they are.

Now when people don't know, I'm nice, or simply consider what is what, but seriously, there are very few people of who I'd be convinved in my spirit that they should be together in the name of the Lord, then what am I going to say about complete worlds which are made around them? Well done?

And then children, too? In my opinion that makes a sort of sacrifice work I don't like to think about. In the western world, you'd be stuck with the sin of a non-right relation for quite some time. Why would you want to do that? Because the world makes it easier on you, then? I don't think the blackmail gets any better in the world system after children are born into a relation, I think just different. In a normal life I'd day horrible even. I can imagine children have their charme, and that there is a certtain status involved in 'having' them, but seriously, even in holland you'd be one in many million couples who are doing the same, and maybe half a hundred million who already have, there is not much proof or specialness in there. Not at all. And from seeing more than a few getting into such situation, I'm sure they in general didn't get much happier from the 'acceptance' of other parents or groups, except maybe that one feels bound by the same ties of not being able to simply not have children at some point in time, except through very rigorous means.

Still seriously, for some even in 'wrong' relationships such situations could well be appealing as heaven as compared to being in their abusive families, having to give birth to children in secret to be sacrified and all kinds of horrors I don't even like to think about, let alone be involved in. That I can imagine, but then still, why force persons from such horrible backgrounds into sin instead of letting them live free lives after all that? I wouldn't know. Sick personhood? Demonic doctrines? Blackmail from evil systems? General hypocrasy?

My god, the hornyness, maybe not the right expression in english, I've seen present time after time after time in some to actually 'lead' in such a way is sickening or something I can't explain in words. They prey on people they then with attitudes as amazing and highly mercifull leaders want to lead into sin. And agree with all who do the same. Made me write certain words about 'christians'.

I understand that the resistence to leading upright righteous enough and good enough life I encounter may well be there for others, too, so of course I have to weigh all those situations against that background, but that still won't make me accept or give authority to that which I observe being wrong. I won't. And I'm sure that my potential weight in christian sense, also in these areas can be considerable, from what I've read even world wide. Not that I searched or search for that particularly, there is less in there than in some other honours and positions, I'm sure, but it is relevant. And I want to be clear about what I think at least.

So what does that mean, when I like someone I sleep with them? When they have children with my approval of me I let them not live as widows and orphans? That I take responsibility to the needs of significant others? That I love my closest neighbours as myself, and be not counter naturally directed at the same sex as replacement in that sense? That I take responsibility in reasonableness and try to think and communicate straight and let my yes be yes and no be no?

Yes or possibly yes to all those, I think.

Or that I learn to find the most effective and painfull engraved handles of the beast in persons that have been sold to me in submission through sexual violence to me to serve me as slaves and make me everything I am realy not and suck their blood like a leach, and say its all christian when they suffer fullfilling the babylonic pictures of families as places for the christmas tree idea, say long prayers on the streetcorners making clear that my fake world is realy the greatest, and be hypocrical enough to claim spiritual christian leadership on top of it?

Yeah, right. Then someone like myself might come along one day and expose the whole scam, and I'd have to live in some kind of fear of exposure, and force and bent myself into many doublenesses all the time just to continue my sin. No, no, not me, if I can help it. I've tried the feelings of guilt and shame to major extents in myself for wrong reasons, but still I did, decades ago, and I know many of them, and I'm sure my family life of long ago can make me deal with emotional abusiveness that would make people cry without even noticing much, but I don't like to try those things myself for real.  No sir, thank you very much.

'But you might be respected, and raise to great heights in society and even in the top christian parties, you see!' Gmpf, yeah right, that is going to convince me. Become part of that squirmy, sneaky, lying cheeting circuit, and than what, get rich? That would at least be something. No, get the position of being honorable. Gmph. That is a good thing. 'Can't buy me love', but I'm going to receive fake honour. Yeah, right, that will really work. I guess that is one of the things which are internal which by definition almost are meaningless when not real. Honour is honour, just by itself, it exists because of my composition in myself, as factual, and is only related to that.

But we could all decide we're different persons! Amazing. There are well done comedies which are probably to only appropriate way to sort of express what I'd want to respond like to stupidity like that. 'Shut up baldrick'.
Did that work in '39? No? Wonder why ...

So we'd make one great mixup of emotion and be all very interesting and developed and life-provided by palying that great mixup and stealing of faces game. Lets steal a personality, blackmail a life and make someones skin a thiefs' purse, kill a baby to get a life path in the illuminati's system of life rail tracks, and satisfy every demon that happens to be near by fulfilling any other whimp those stupid things have to suggest, and live happily ever after, because we're at least certain that realy works. Oh realy?

And than let those little victims suffer by correcting our every error or paying for it with themselves, compensating for the lies of their parent, compensating for wronged emotions and feeling of what is right, and then as juvenile being blamed for the strive for freedom from the lies and hypocracy at least in the important areas of their lives before they are promoted into fake maturity under mothers and social checking circuits control, raised just enough above the level of their capabilities, without a real well formed will or opinion of their own, and needing to lie along with the great miserable game of death being called life. And then start the wheel of abuse and idolatry all over again, so as all know it will keep turning, as according to certain spirits it should,

And then a police officer is a possible exposer from those lies and sins and mayube family crimes unto death, and can never be even normally respected, because that concept isn't even clear anymore, even when it would be in order, and in that case needed. Even worse, normal relationships aren't possible anymore. The rest of communicating with another person listening to the true and maybe even good (regenerated) nature of another human being without just playing with shallow copies of sensitive wounds or worse, and even listening to who some is or even can be without the continuous strain of having to impose a certain image or satisfy spiritual parties who claim to need to be on top in certain oppressive and abusive ways or the world would come to an end or the family inheritance would be lost may not even be understood anymore. Normal emotional responses in so many may be distorted so much that it realy makes sense that I wanted to leave a country where such seems to be rule long ago already. The advantage of abroad in this respect is that than at least the possibility of the persuit of certain forms of happiness is no longer a form of statewise imposed judgement of being nuts. For christ sake, that is behing iron curtain eastern european shit.

'But if we don't listen to the illuminatie and satanist, the world will come to an end'. Oh realy? Then amother chernobil will happen? Or another hiroshima or nagasaki? I don't think so. Ask them that question in jugoslavia, see wether they know the answer to such ideological or religeous question. A bomb the weight and size of a suitcase probably could blow away everything on the face of the soil of this whole country. Little boy had I think a few kilograms of nuclear explosive in it. And I'm going to trust some rich child abusive families to deal with that power and believe the world will be better of? My demons are going to save me when transatlantic missiles are coming towards me in 20 minutes and make mushrooms the size of cities or countries with solar temperatures in it, and tidal waves sweep over I don't know how much polder land and nuclear dust settles all over the earth in days making cancer threats for just about everything that is in a field in downwind direction? I don't think so, I'd rather have some reliable enough parties deal with that sort of power.

And certain kinds of so called christians and synagogues which are actually worshipping the satan and its partakers are not going to be much in that area, as far as I can help it, they don't qualify as trustworthy enough, simply put.What I mean with that is that there are and should be leadership and trusworthyness in this world which is effective and not that bad.

'Hi, how are you doing?' 'no,no,no, I'm doing this person at this moment, you now must resond this way, lets see, eh' 'Huh?'

'Hello, I'm a jew' 'Oh no! Something must be done'

'Hello, fellow christian, I like honesty, too'  '...'

People are in certain ways nuts more then I though for a long time, more than I thought.

'Lets have dinner' 'No no, I now see this in you, and now I must first deprive you of all normal human dignaty, project all my badness on you to make your male stature justifiably nothing, and then we'll be all gesellig, and that is quite hard already, to be so nothing, and even fake to be nice, so that for sure it isn't real'

My gawd, they might suggest visiting the nuthouse to make sure I grow aware of the existence of people who may want to be aware at least of some crazy things.

'But mister V, everyone is bad!', well sorry to say, but I'm not. Not worth mentioning, anyhow, I think fairly said enough.'Eh mister V, will we not break trough my carefully built up motherf*d projection of my own emotional limitation on you, please, and I mean please', eh, nope. 'You know what happened to Stephan!' Yes, I'm aware of what happened to stephan, but I didn't see the heavens open in broad daylight or have the worlt top of apostles appoint me to a ministry in public, thank you very much. And then again, Jesus and some of his followers got bad responses against them at times, that thus far didn't stop me from considering what He has to say.

'But if I'd be honest with you they'd all know what I like and want to take those things, and I'll have to be the same with others' Lets hope privacy and spiritual separation work enough, then.