Theo Verelst Diary Page

Tue Dec 25 2001, 7:02 AM

I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes family, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is that it may well be that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.

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Tue Dec 25 2001, 7:02 AM

The amazin' satan and its ists

As a thought experiment, lets try to get some angle on some of the worst evils on this earth in terms of what it means and probably should mean in the whole of lets say civilized or even remotely developed societies.

I walked into american bookstore the other day, and was sort of surprises and taken by the amount of phantasy books in one department. Now I like their stores enough not to be annoying against them, they've loads of seriously interesting enough bookd, I even bought in the past, but seriously, shelves and shelves full of books about elfs, dragons, beasts, little and big monsters, magicians and other non-sense, and then not for the purpose of exposing the demonic nature of such concepts, but in all seriousness as if anyone should give a damn about such imaginary or somehow perceived sub-creatures.

Now I am not unaware of the idea of phantasy, and because of serious enough science fiction, in fact I think I must have read probably hundreds of scifi titles before I was 15 which clearly is decades range ago, so I know my stuff in that area, probably being topped by I think it was the vance (though my memory may escape me nig time here) idea to have interstellar spacecrafts which have like a great hoover or neutron sucktion device on its front which at sufficient speed would gather up enough space dust to propel itself at good enough (preferably over light) speed. Interesting differential equations could be involved to figure out wether the amount of for instance splitting energy would be up to the ignitian energy and collision impact impulse.

Anyhow, back to more stupid human imaginations, the phantasy stuff I knew amoung others from a bit later, where I had some then called friends who were into such things when they weren't getting a ride of my technical or musical or both capabilities, or sort of sub coexisting my realy and known and aclaimed computer knowledge. I am pretty sure I was the only one in the whole of school and far beyond it who would go to an electronics store, buy parts for under 40 dollars, and fabricate a little piece of equipment in decent light blue aluminium enclosure (the kind that still sells) which actually worked as something most self acclaimed expert would probably not have easily spelled, a analog to digital converter, interfaced into the back-bus of a video genie, a trs80 model I level III clone. It would read in voltages from 0 to 2.54 Volts for instance from chemical experiments (it was a chemics teacher who asked me to built one for practicum purposes), and have a basic or machine language program read in an inport to get a value from 0 to 255 representing the digital converted input input voltage it measured.

And that worked, and frankly, I made some at home, too, which weren't lame measurement converters, but I used them to digitise audio signals, for instance for digital delay purposes.

Anyhow, that sort of feat would put me in top position of most computer scenes of 15 year olds in that time, and probably in this time too, and I did know about grounding loops, analog and digital noise sourcs, sampling errors, quantisation errors, seperating digital and analog grounds and even difference inputs, so this was not coming from a book project, I took an AD converter datasheet, self designed an input protection circuit that wouldn't make the thing non-linear, used the circuit ideas I got from alternate printer interfaces to get into the Z80 bus system and a memory or IO address that wouldn't be in the way, got a 5 pin connector and a piece of (then expensive) flat cable, and a piece of general purpose circuit board, for which I had devised standard track cutting methods, the same which I still recently enough used to put a whole microprocessor system and various synth buidling blocks together, just like I did my third or so mixer when I was twelve, and put the piece of equipment together with my own hands, no circuit board plans, not even a provided circuit diagram, for real.

Those 'friends' would not try to con me out of absolute undisputed top computer knowledge position for decades to come, that wouldn't even cross my mind, and I'm not sure in overall sense not theirs either. Not because I was the best scoffer c.q. boaster, but because I was over their heads so much they wouldn't have known where to start, including every teacher I'd ever met. And I was nice enough guy by nature and more than popular enough, too, so there was no problem.

So I was informed that some, a bit later, were into the sort of overseas or not, I don't know, little rage at the time called dungeons and dragons, which probably was a secret then, I don't remember exactly, basically because I found the idea too lame to take much notice. I was teenager involved in forming and feeding my own character, thank you very much, the essences of life were at stake to be found and dealt with, and taking role playing that pathetically serious did not exactly coincide with that picture.

Little did I know that people who don't have much face of their own but probably incredible ambitions from their families, deamons or natural father would realy be more then little interested in sucking face, stealing personal features if they'd think their local maffia leader c.q. magician would let them get away which such 'priviledge', and think they'd in the head of the world and that such would be indeed desirable for other purposes than hide the sins that the former wannabe god of it would have them informed realy are necessary to eat the forbidden fruit and be amazing with it.

When I tried the ego risk of playing the piano in crowded lunch room or gym/aula, I knew I could afford presenting myself as learning an art, I'd done enough of the above and audio tape cutting and mixing with self made just about everything in the audio chain except tuner and cassette player cores to do so without the risc of needing to prove myself against the best to acquire some position of esteem or acceptance, I did so because I liked to, and because I knew I could afford to play with my possibilities, also against persons who would blow away my rudimentary harmonics and rythm learnings with the theme from the Onedin Line or at the time even fuer Elise. I didn't need to prove myself as person with enough to say or be, I'd never been without enough of such, and even though I regulary would feel far from optimal half physcially, I had no real needs in such departments, luckily.

Anyhow, maybe lesser gifted, maybe more stupid ones, maybe more damned ones, or just by pure chance, I noticed that some who were treated more than fine enough by had ambitions and goals I found at least unworthy of much serious attention.

They would have characterisation in their 'character' games including 'reliability', 'predictability', 'goodness' and more such nonsense.

Hitting some sensitive spots here? Try putting 10 of such characterisations in all possible orders or ordinal relevance. Through with the 3.6 million possibilities yet? Then problably some synclair spectrums' computer program is not going to help me much in real life games which are incredible more complicated than such experiments, and oh, why again would I be interested in such a game? Oh, it wasn't a game!

Permutations, ha. Ask physicists. Lets do a picking order of all the worlds magicians, shall we. Gmph. One formula. But computing it? It never will exceed its boundary conditions or total starting energy, which is probably more important. And in the end the dead or alive cat quantum experiment is over any picking orders head anyhow, the end of the world leaves us all dead, except the deamons, maybe. A whole town was blown away by about two kilograms of nuclear material, I seem to remember, and the repetition of that experiment brought probably one of the crulest systems at least to its knees enough to never get up that way again, thus far, so if ultimate power is what some strife for, there are far more advanced V2 rocket equivalents to carry incredible amounts more across the m*f* atlantic in less than half an hour, wanna play that game? And seriously, I recently read time magazine which informed me that the little pakistanis have at least over a 100 kilograms of official uranium stock, probably mainly for reactors, enough to blow incredible holes and make the atmosphere probably sick for milleniae.

I consider it more fun to find out what happens in a rocket weighing probably the equivalents of quite some heavy trains passing the sound barier. F* vertical. Ha.

More fun than the french redoing the incredible trick of blowing a whole island away, though that, too, is technically challenching. Maybe we'd need to think more about not infecting mars with the deamons of its future possible inhabitants after they've travelled through space for thirty or maybe one year, assuming we crack the biosphere thing. Or as a somewhat cynical sideremark, the communication when going into the atmosphere...

Lets talk about someone actually supposedly defeating physical death, now that is something, at least. Or maybe even start with the other thanatos or what was it thing. Or the possibitly of letting actually good enuogh (however much that is) people rule. Those at least are interesting enough challenges, even compared to feeding the world and solving the environment problem, or the future oil shortage.

Your local illuminati supported magician witchdoctor equivalent will probably inform you that Certain Secret Circuits have all that under control, and that all you need to do is sign the dotted serf line and we're all home free, sorry I'm not so pathetically infantile, I used my education for at least a bit more than becomming the planned brick in the wall, sorry to say. And seriously, I'm sure they too, just like in the old days, could probably not look more into the future then half the time a decent weather computer can, so who cares, in a world not ruled by the IQ's needed to become average bush men.

Of course I upset all kinds of maffia like circuits where they have forgotten that they can never ever become enough of a man in my eyes again because they steep to the level of actual child abuse, but I'm sure Gods' system has made them affraid enough of the big mamma and her Wonderfull Bowl to go all too much against me when I win of them somehow enough to put them aside, and after having stolen probably about every little (but not main) feature they could find in my face equivalent, probably because they weren't interesting or good enough themselves, why else would they bother, their system probably can't loose affording the real me, because they'd have way too many problems staying on top of christian and jewish circles heads with their rusting gold and silver. Or something. I've upset them more than enough already years ago, and am still alive, so there has to be some strong divine rule at stake, otherwise that cannot be easily explained. And basically, not much of what I have found is more than simply abusive, bad, gross, ugly, evil, or such, greatness or great smartness or leadership I don't see around. The difference between the real thing is usually manifest. Maybe God challenges them to have some of His will put into action that they must be proven to be not what they claim, I don't know exactly, I would, like any normal person, I guess, simply prefer them dead before they would ever be born, the world I'm sure can do without them and their kind. It is they who need something, I don't need anything of them, I'm sure.

So they must be in the way and steal? No, I don't think in general, why would they, I don't think that is divine rule. So dead, put aside, rightfully in prison or under the guillotine would be preferable, and their doctrines or whatever they are called forgotten, their victims healed, and sinfull man in heaven? At least they probably are able to live in a democracy, which probably is preferable over downright hell, and probably a better starting position for newborns, when they somehow survive life's initiation or natural birth.

In a universum interpolating between a goblin, a rat, a worm and some antichrist on a spacemotorbike of retarded design, such thoughts probably come across as alien. But without the chest think crawling out of someone physically, science fiction should probably make people understand their limitations and get free from them more, not less, that at least for me was the whole idea. When 1984 and brave new world would try to inform us webcams must be making as slaves to some gestalt and the end of wanting romance is a karma where not even one child should ever be considered legal and that the world will come to an end if we strive for something good instead of corrupted, instead of convincing us that starting with corruption will probably breed the same, there is not too much point in making those books famous. At least not in my mind.

Bookshelves full of ugly and irrelevant evolutionary failures, seriously, I think I'd even prefer a playboy magazine, if they're be no more choices.

Do I want to have a beautifull human being elite? No, I guess some downright ugly people can be more than fun enough, I don't mean it that way, I just don't see the point of so many as it seems meaningless concepts being produced as the next great development. And let the great new age creap in through the front door as invited guest, doing destructiveness and senselessness as if it would be that such is sign of the divine. Lets give it all up to the great fuehrers, lets give away our minds sanity to every deamon and guiding spirit that comes along and all together all over sudden we'll be the promised race ourselves, and rule the earth and live forever and be mighty happy and blessed, somehow, if we learn to sacrifice to every neighbours totem and the great spirit in the sky according to the enlightened rules, somehow.

But such circles and very interesting spirits and the great allseeing eye realy exist, don't you see? Yep, and so does the Holy Spirit, God, and Jesus, I guess, isn't it. Or should I believe in the one and blot out the others from the picture, with great effort? So we are forced to see the whole picture where evil unfortunately exists too much for me to handle myself, but where it seems inevitble that God does, too, and has more than little to do with all going ons in the world, including various kinds of damnation He seems to have started and given Himself. So if we want to know about that, or our ways out of it, we probably have to consult with that One, and not with the one being portrayed effectively enough in that song 'I'm a liar', which is probably a good warning.

It is the role of that ungreat head of probably the first great motherfuck in this creation (not realy sorry for the strong functional terminology), that man was kept short of Gods knowledge, to be a sucker in general, and to take faces, claim to be an angel of light while it isn't making little anti christs, which certainly aren't saviours, and to want something of what it wanted so much back or at all, because God rejected its celestial position and Christ kicked its ass out of the centre of the pagan worlds' system. 'I want attention, and you must say I'm great, and preferably you must realy believe what I say and that I am god, yes that is good, like God!', seriously that is sucjer attitude, no character role, and sign of fundamental flaw of character from the outset. It says God lusts after His spirit, but that doesn't sound the same, somehow..

So in short, when it sucks, it probably isn't originating from the one great building master who indeed supposedly rules every atom and random number in the universe, but that thing and its subordinates who must make their own bride of christ and have other believe it is the real thing, try to take the place of every utterance the real Holy Spirit does, like a child striving for a position, normally rebuked and not stupid enough anymore at the age of 5 or so, and trying any squirming way to arrive at some power in a world which humanly speaking is too unattractive and bad and divinely speaking too sinfull to even want a part of.

Yet many belied the lie or delusion that is involved in so many piramid and gambling games, just like Peter predicted. Maybe to be more prepared for the betrayal liars would use or to make it more manifest what is real and worth while and what isn't. Or simply because it pleases God to hate esau and bless jacob, because He happens to have His mind set on that. Or to reject the grown static plants of Cain, and to want the animal sacrifice of Abel, who was peacable but understood Gods' holyness required a real sacrifice from an unholy people, which they couldn't provide themselves, and needed a type at least to be understood and taken as temporary replacement. Until the perfect sacrifice rose from the dead as sign that God had accepted Him and made Him defeat death and put Him above all name in past present and future in the heavenly now, and took away the sins of the world which deserved Gods just judgement, death.

Now that may also be a bedtime story, but at least it doesn't suck. At about the character role playing time form some I knew that stuff probably was important, and it interested me how that would all be, though I wasn't all too aware at all of the direct evil which surrounded me except indirectly. I guess at least it payed to want to know about that God, regardless of the rest of the going ons in my life at the time and later on, it probably saved me from many tricks and lies, no matter how still I was into many lets say traps and snares, and currently are far from comfortable, though then again, being an electrical engineer of top education, being even practically close to fluent with quite some contemporary computer equipment and advanced programming, I probably can easily afford to think that even given a certain maffia-like system I cannot easily be kept away from good enough actual positions. So I probably have to see my life for certain in the light of that God making me occupying myself with this world and His chosen ones (deliberate term) in a way He sees fit for intelligent purposes He has. Otherwise certain things don't make sense enough.

I just though I'd once again point at the lets say uselessnes or diverting nature of for instance those fantasy books with their half deamons and stupidly deformed creatures, because I'd imagine there are people out there who like I would need something more or lets say other information than what this world seems to be sick and full of.

Suppose you'd have a little web spy program! I know the windows 2000 terminal server, the older remote control windows program, PC remote or something, and a newer remote control program at work, which allow various degrees of taking over a remote computer system, as long as the power or network cable aren't physcially unplugged, or the driver disabled, of course. I'm sure lesser intelligent beings can feel themselves almost god with such power in their little toolboxes. Actually taking over computer screen, well, well, we haven't seen that magic since 12 years of X windows, isn't it, that is amazing. The power is almost celestial, so we can look at what someone is typing, and even *before* the great he who writes webpublishes it himself actually read what that great person is writing. Amazing, that those wonderfull electrical engineers who do get equipment to work can let these little packets of mouse position information and windows subparts id's and data pass over little ehternet packets over some wonderfull udp or tcp port, and that that can be actually sent all over the world, just like every of the 10 zillion web pages, if you're interested. Amazing power. You'd have to be close to the greatest ones of the earth to make that work.

Otherwise no one would have a wee bit of interest in such a sucker of a system maintainer who probably should have worked at nasa or the defence department to become realy interesting, but wasn't to begin with. But now there is the great apostle with amazing spiritual powers over the great gestalts of this little country and the blue globe, and his powers must be a little impacted on to convince some fellow suckers that thought the satan may be completely under control, certain principles realy make every million of its sucker followers actually rule the world themselves, and oh my, it is so grand to be in the head of some mafia triad, realy honorable, too. When you're not very creative, interesting or powerfull youself, that is. Oh and those childabusers must keep their victims from ever speaking up, so you'll lower yourself to even steeping as base as making them affraid the most obvious and dispicable way, of course, intelligent as you are. Eh. Seriously.

Lets see, what does the over 1900 year old divine writing of James say about the principle of the rudder: a little influence can make a whole ship change course. But it would be pretty to fool its whole crew, isn't it, they'd know straight away, probably. And oh my, what proves the qualities of a captain, that they can sneak up from behind and make little forced course changes every know and then, like quite under average intelligent childlike figures, or that they can set a course and make the ship do its thing right all through the journey, preferably comfortably? To much to ask from a synagoge of the satan, or a system of dogs, magician wannabees (they're usually instable powersuckers, I hear, probably also not very comfortable from a certain mothers' love substitute), toll suckers, or general evil ones. I can't escape thinking the image predicted and probably more than a bit true in the book of revelation is of an amazing stupidness and insipidness, enough to amaze the first listener that people would be so stupid to fall for all those lies and actually belief they'd get something from participating in the various ways of getting things together. Woe, woe, I seriously would not even like to be the best pope in the high times of catholisism. No honour or anything else likeable about it, except some forms of power and riches, I'm sure, but not the kinds one cannot buy.

The power to abuse. To wrape. To steal in certain ways. To exploit. To kill, but not to let grow or make alive. To oppress, but not to be loved or realy honored by, for sure. To blackmail, but not to gain confidence. To suck, but not to make or engage in lovemaking. To lie, but never to live in truth. To be the head, but not being sure of ones' life or whereabouts for one second. To keep it all together, but for what? To add up to amazing bank accounts, but for what happyness? To claim world power, but to the price of what damnation, shame, ridiculousness, dishonour, death of good and pleasant and slavery?

'We have influenced the great works of the actual God on this earth somewhat'. Well, boy, isn't that something. Is your (tom cat's child after another failed bird catch mode on) 'father' satisfied with you. Huh? God the father seems to make His own truly holy and capable of leading and leading a life into all grace and pleasurableness on this earth, loving them for who they can become, safe their friends and the world, and let His people win of all the evil of this world instead of becoming some miserable powerless wannabe little time depersonised head of something no one in their right minds ever wants for real, and then need to work themselves up to actually believing they're the greatest at understanding and leading life.

Strong language? Yes, and I agree that He also permits people to suffer more than I like, especially in general, but I don't think I dare argue, and the power He gives in the spiritual I think is undisputed, and pretty complete, except for doing His works, even, I don't think there is a demon who wouldn't obey commands in His name pretty soon, which is more than probably every ist can ever claim. Also, the works of the Holy Spirit are probably unrivalled in many sense in being indeed holy, in His strength, and achieving what men doesn't conceive. So why isn't the world a better place. Also at least because it is damned as punishment for not living accoring to the law Christ, I'm certain, and probably the combination of freedom and mans natural inclination toward evil is behind it why that is permitted, though I'm not sure I even in this way want to be even near blunt with such statements, certain things I just do not know enough.

This piece startes mainly by the american bookstore idea, though I guess it touches on some fundamental subjects outside and beyond the scope of why someone would want to make clear most of the phantasy stuff realy sucks.

Meanwhile, my musical knowledge and skills are enough to seriously consider most positions in music I have an interest in for real, and I like that, though I'm not too sure what that does for me now, it seems not too natural or desirable somehow to use that too much, though there are objective reasons to also outside the few places I play regularly probably even make some money with it. Hendrix played the clubs, so why would I be more? I did at times in fact, but I don't think things were the same. At some point when I and some of the people I regulalry played with (basically my band at the time) were probably capable of realy making serious things happen, it didn't become what I at the time would have gone for, to make a sort of continuing band, with the appeal and possibility to become quite popular in a serious way, without media hype, and even with popular and artisticaly valid material, which I liked.

Now I'm sure there must have been serious threaths against probably all band members at least to let it all not be all to much over some peoples heads, and from circuits I don't even like to think about, not because they freighten me too much, but simply because the kinds of abuse I think they would be into are not good enough to mention, and probably way to influentual for some to be easily detached from.

So not a pity that is as the whole picture, though I at the time liked, and still like the idea of putting forward a band in such a way and letting that work. More than many other things, I think at the time I wouldn't have considered a trade with my at the time thought about carreer, but then again, I think it had a similar level of seriousness, and some persons for instance the (woman) singer from that time would still have more relevance than most other things, if things could work out, also outside the musical. While my study (which I finished around that time, too, with a degree that is) in personal sense was important but not many people would have made it even accross the real relevance threshold. Not many. And in my university work, I was living in a deal in my own emotional makeup to get away to the states in some years and stay there preferably quite longer then a few months and probably preferably even longer, in other words I worked to achieve something professionally, in the environment outside serious music I had noting much I realy valued or liked enough, realy, I was done with most things. I liked having a working and serious car enough, travel abroad, a limited non-circle of friends/ackaintances, and maybe things like going to the beach on a hot day or having a good diner with a nice movie, but most things in my opinion sucked, I didn't take real pleasure in them, so I was pretty detached, and for publicly know reasons, I was clear enough in my utterances. So the life that as it seems now was so desirable or offensive to some and so put togehter to trick and want by others didn't even raise enough interest in me, not even to like, realy, I didn't even like the prospect of being a top professor at that Delft University enough to realy want to stay in Holland, even. Seriously.

I wouldn't say to much I was offered such a prospective, but regardless of the rest of the life of some at least not irrelevant players there, it has even been mentioned in words that such would not be an alien and undesirable idea, and in seriousness, and in public it was clear enough that not many would try to take the risc of saying I'd be crazy to persue a top position there, and not in decades time. I had more than enough student experience through serious student assistantship, of physisists a year younger then I to begin with, where I was never out of authority or like, and was kept away from for instance being part of the graduation of more students not for contentwise reasons. Contentwise I have in actual tangible sense drawn more than a few succesfull lines, and effectively I've been in the research lead at least years enough to claim a lot more position in publication land in a short time. And I've combined my computer and electrical engineering knowledge of more than a few disciplines with theoretical physics at more than enough level to be taken more than serious enough for what I conceeded to wanting at the time before I was sort of driven away and left. Which would be along the lines I (at least too) explicitly drew at the time I looked at nanobiological (brian) structures, which regardless of wether I was the direct reason are there in writing and were quite right no matter how that is. An my machine and software lines, designs, and implementations actually worked, which is good in technical university with report writers wanting their share of researchers they can leech on wanting to raise to the top instead.

And I didn't even enter my main additional area of more than little expertise yet: musical instruments and their digital simulations and ways of appearing at any professional point there yet, except some used great examples to refer to my sort of manic synth soloing at some point when preparing for making a little cd recording with them. Needless to say, apart from musical knowledge there are not too many synth or electronical musical instrument designer in the whole of holland probably who can realy make much of a working, practical instrument, and advanced research in that direction is definately in the provable range of my abilities, and without question worth while for research labs and other parties interested in actualy continuing to want to exist at at least world top level. Which some I was sort of thinking weren't much, probably because in electrical engineering land, they didn't like themselves and/or certain leader and/or personel selectors enough to want to continue ascribing certain kinds a certain status from it.

Meanwhile I did remote controlled zeppelins, sort of gmph, thought that is definately fun enough, and recovered the base of applying leighweight just under critically damped speakers and accurate well spreading domes in a solid straightforward strong damped enclosure combined with high quality integrated amplifier in solid design method, experimented with automatic web linked picture databases, and of course experimented with string simulators enough to make some beautifull new sound classes, so I didn't exactly sit on my behind, but for someone with the capabilities of being top physisist and have fun in applied research, this country is a poor, poor environment as it is. And I'm certainly not going to change my mind to crawl back to a scene I suspect may contain bad child and other abuse partakers and worse, in a time when probably the last shreds of contentwise fake evidence against even my leadership skills in the natural are becoming quite suspect in general enough to probably not work anymore as blackmail leads. Certainly not, and I do claim that even a nice deal is not my aim. The kind I'm against doesn't deserve that, for certain, and no one in my previous environemt has proven good upright or serious enough to make into a party to deal with by working in a way I already rejected when I had no further suspicions that that I didn't like my life in certain ways.

The band stuff is not a sore point, though but some things I have expressed in the personal would still hold, and my interests haven't weakened, maybe got stronger even.

So, call some people, get my act together and start planning rehersals and performances? Kind of hard without equipment, any clue as to the probably forced whereabouts of at least one key person, and a world maybe not against or even willing to be nice to me but bad enough to die or so into all kinds of deals that a normal contact is hard enough already, let alone an artistic pleasing starting point. 'I saw for faces, one mad, a brother from the gutter, they looked me up and down a bit and turned to eachother, ..., he said I like it, I want it, I'll take it of your hands and you'll be sorry you crossed me, you'd better understand that you're alone, a long way from home' sort stuff. 'Lemme have that deep soul, and you take the empty shells, and say I'm nice, brother'. No thank you.

MTV at my doorstep (which I hardly have at this moment), record reps lining up, we want something? Nope. Good? Probably in some way for the better, but lets see, a standard clip for one song is at least in the order of 60 dutch grand, unless one is a do it yourselver, which is quite wasted on quite some songs and bands or concepts, which they'd probably admit themselves, being the products of a sort of mafioso record production system. Strong words on purpose. I'd be willing and capable of doing seriously good enough stuff with such funds and possibilities, and maybe some more would, who may now be marginal. Complaining? Yes and no, not seriously in personal sense, there are many reasons I can easily relate to, and it is not most logical for me and maybe not very effective to persue such, but then again, turning down serious offers gets annoying only when they are realy frequent, I'd say. Make some serious offer with some inverstors money, and see wether a good redo of 'can't buy me love' even can do some good, preferably adding some musical advancement good for wide audience consumption. Which circuits stop such logic? The same involved in the tearing down of the scheveningen theatre when the real insect band (gmpf) hit the Hague? May be. The little wayan wayans, wayang klitits, and their puppeteers may have lost it a bit against such overwhelming evidence that there is more to life which may well be worth it. Or the screen got too many colors to keep copying track of.

I can't get no satisfaction, I remember an interview with the stones which I at the time (at least a 2 decades ago) didn't realy understand. I understood that the non-alusion but clearly also methaphorical sexual charge in the expression was about life and serious and profound and of course in some juvinile-like way funny, but a certian woman reporters non disgust but somehow corrective attitude and Micks clear amusement I didn't quite get right at a time a danced to the song with more than enough satisfaction to get by, in fact.

Come on, the men with the white coats are near, you shouldn't try to get that kind of satisfaction of course, boy, you'll learn the polder model just in time before your midlife crisis more than enough, just let us arrange everything, and stop thinking for yourself now, huh. Fuck that. (Normal and functional rock language). Celebration at least meant a song fun enough to understand the concept instead of just calling for worries what all more would have to be sacrificed to the moloch or God knows what local deity as if we were in pre-roman times, to remind me life must be messed up or we'd thing actual freedom is dream not even worth considering or wasting serious utterances on.

Well, sorry to say I know that I can seriously and more than lastingly enough get just about every kind of satisfaction I would want or need, including the obvious and probably non-trivial ones, without wrape force, crime, sadness or even unjoyfullness involved, and I don't see why the hell I wouldn't demand that I can live in that. Probably some rich don't like me around exposing what they are about, and want me out of money and people. Not very schizofrenic, after years of testing. Head above the mawning field level and it goes of. But I'm above their concubines and equipment when I try seriously, I don't fit in their system, and I an not getting out of the way. I don't suspect they'll (again) dare to have me out of the way through some form of murder, I don't think there is a way for them to get away from the reversal they've played at in which I'm probably the only person with sufficient capabilities and goodness for my position, and the allseeing eye they'll want so much to track and claim my actions is against in that same way, and I will not step out of the way in some form of feverence or acceptance of their ways, when they continue to try to mess with my live, I'll continue to expose and demand up to outright war against the kind that doesn't even deserve to live. I'll NOT stop what I've wanted. Until the day I die, I think. Which is way in the future, I think quite sure. That means I will not bow for them or give them anything at all. As far as that is up to me. Against me for all I am concerned they play in vain. And I'm quite sure that quite some were sort of forced to play even thought they knew they'd not have a good chance to proof themselves over my back.

I'd like to do a little poem for you. Serious, decidaded, nice but unmovable voice on (while I'm listening to with a louis armstrong version of 'jingle bells, oh what fun ..'.., yes it is)

I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle, 
I want ti ride it where I like

literary silence (without laughter but with anticipation)

You say black                   I say white
You say bark                    I say bite
You say shark                   I say hey man
                                Jaws was never my scene
                                And I don't like Star Wars

You say Rolls                   I say Royce
You say God                     give me a choice !
You say Lord                    I say Christ,
I don't believe in Peter Pan,   Frankenstein or Superman

All I wanna do is

Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my
   Bicycle races are coming your way
   So forget all your duties oh yeah!
   Fat bottomed girls they'll be riding today
   So look out for those beauties oh yeah
   On your marks get set go
   Bicycle race bicycle race bicycle race
   Bicycle bicycle bicy

You say coke                   I say caine
You say John                   I say Wayne
Hot dog                        I say cool it man
                               I don't wanna be the President of America
You say smile                  I say cheese
Cartier                        I say please
Income tax                     I say Jesus

I don't wanna be a candidate, for Vietnam or Watergate
'Cos all I want to do is

Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle

I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it  w h e r e   I   l i k e.
little silence, a decent applause, of to the ofstage and talk circuits.


Maybe it should be called 'against air pollution', or 'carless sunday', or simply 'freud'.

Or it should be followed by a good performance of 'remedy' and another good rock song like 'rosanna', or something completely different. Picture the blues brothers finding their way into the building they are supposed to perform, and the announcer doing the poem, spoken, and serious.

Emphasising the last words.

Asin 'where I m*f* or not m*f* please, and realy, and I'll challange everyone who'se against it and shuff it down their throats (figuratively speaking) on purpose anyway;         where     I         like.'

And if that jazz poem doesn't work we'll have to rub it in, sorry to say.

Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Ah down beside that red fire light
Are you gonna let it all hang out?
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round

Hey I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew love before I left my nursery
Left alone with big fat Fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me
Hey hey!

I've been singing with my band
Across the wire across the land
I've seen every blue eyed floozy on the way
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them lovely ladies every time

Oh won't you take me home tonight
Oh down beside your red firelight
Oh and you give it all you got
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round

Hey listen here
Now your mortgages and homes
And the stiffness in your bones
Ain't no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh but I still get my pleasure
Still get my greatest treasure
Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me

Oh you gonna take me home tonight (Please)
Oh down beside that red firelight
Oh you gonna let it all hang out?
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round
Get on your bikes and ride
Fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls
Which should definately be including the heavy drum patterns, at least, and thrilling enough harmony singing to make that work. Ha.

Remember mein kampf repeatedly speaks about the curse of syphilis and the sort of problem of having a good whore system, seriously? I like this song a lot better, somehow.

Maybe that stuff is beside the direct world and experience of most people, also the ones including myself I'd think about first, but ideologically or less heavyweight pointwise I think when I hear those words and such a song right, it stirrs up what is the essence and forget all the miserable nothingness which is probably more tolerates by natural and spiritual mafia like strucures, and less of a little rock of offense to a world which probably likes it better to put childrens whyning to silence at a boring christmas sacrifices of who knows what masses, making the lords of the rings all to happy with their faithfullness to oaths God never asked for and maybe even forbade.

In front of the 'I am the Lord thy God, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other God before me ....' women should have place to love and be indeed free and serious about what they want (I hear Jesus at times stayed with rich women, without condemning them it seems, without hindrance, and I don't recall it says they were married, too), and when that is possible, in love, that most probably is pleasing to God, I'm sure, in fact. But oh no. They'd be certain kinds who are bad for stealings mens' faces. They have to bear children and be subjected to lots of suffering before they can be taken serious. They most be heavily oppressed when they simply would be free and learn about life or take part in clubs or circles in ways theyd want for maybe what some would call make chauvinist pigrules, or learn what certain ones for sure would have the nerve to call christian subdual to men who don't even understand what it would mean or why on earth there would be a point in suffering women to teach. And why in the bible at least one got called 'kurie', 'lord' just like Jesus was addressed at times.

And even worse supposed there would be talk of a form of like or worse between free persons, completely legal, mind you, but in christian sense ... Oh boy those freemasons may live through it, but still, other sects too may have serious problems with such breaking of public secret rules of sacrifying everything free an nice enough to the nearest or seemingly most applicable semigod. Suppose the real god would be out of the hands of the great mummy in the sky with diamonds!

And Gods temple or its modern day comparable meeting place should be a place of worship (what is that according to Him?) and not a den of robbers. It seems the actual Son of God, maybe against papal ruling, actually got violent kicking the moneytraders out of the temple. Money-changers?

Important? Yes, of course, and not particularly in church or such places, the threats against as it seems every serious form of freedom seems not small when I observe the world around me. Somehow the systems must have its claws into every of its victimized subjects before the may do anything worth while, maybe not like every man having to be sodomized as in Sodom-city very long ago, but a stupid sort of 'having' lust seems to be considered completely acceptable mode of behaviour in circuits who should know a lot better. When people are messed up bad before they can ever start something worth while, their fruits are going to be messed up too, and when that happens all the time, society is going to be mighty strange and miserable after a while.

Those wayang remarks weren't for nothing, I'm sure they are relevant, and the sort of crazyness people were looking for in me was, too, I indeed didn't want certain people, but that wasn't to copy back a sort of collectively not wanting me in a position where this countries' shame would show as in give it to him before he gives it to us, I genuinely didn't like life they way I observed it around me. Not even enough to want to stay, sorry to say, that is just the way it was. And there is a certain crazyness around for sure, and I think after some years not many would try to turn that around to my disadvantage anymore, luckily. Hi, what is the way to, nonono, this and that! Realy! Huh? You didn't understand, I was communicating something to you! Realy? I just would ask the way!

HI, how are you, what are your hobbies. Blank. Nothing sensible enough, or sadness, which is worse, when there is nothing left in personal or emotional sense to even mention nice enough. That is bad fascism fruits. Realy bad. And sad when it concerns people I like or maybe love. I may be in miserable enough circumstances certain ways, but I don't think I'll want to even consider bringing in other lifes' picture even that can deal with many subjects many can't do more with than make some stupidity with. Conversations with nice, not person sacrifycing, or preferably even supportive or genuinely according nature of some length or substance are not easy enough it seems, and worse, when I'd want to be serious about what I realy think, that is it realy sucks bad, and that certain things should obviously be considered to be better and certain people and circuits simply exposed and put away with, there are not many left who would dare or want to take up on that, which is sadening, though not making me without courage.

'But still I fear, and still I dare not laugh at the wise man'

What if God damns a nation for instance with this wayang idea, and I live there and want to make sense of my life, how does that go?

There are probably not many who are much in line with Gods will enough to receive much from Him in terms of His blessing in those fundamental questions, which is not to my liking, though I guess some can escape the collective egypt enough to make life nicer.