Latest: 15 April 1999
I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.
Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes familiy, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is that it may well by that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...
And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.
Previous Diary Entries
The fun thing is that I put the stereo system with the latest amp (the one on the picture on a previous page, but than with both channels in place) to work in a major hall (and I mean 100 meters or so major) to work, on a major fair (don't know the approprate word, in dutch it's 'beurs', in german 'Messe') where everything related to households (carpets, thingies, bath tubs, flowers, also computers, and hifi) is presented to an audience of I guess at least a few hundred thousand visitors. The painting institute and the galery I described have a not too minor booth/exposition space there, and I took the balloons and the PA system (for the moment) there.
I waited until most of the people were gone, and of course had to try
what it can do, and how much. So? Well, eh, it makes a LOT of noise. Serious
noise. Little distortion noise. Serious deep and rock solid bass noise.
Even fairly nice stereo picture noise. Yep. And I mean LOUD. Not kilowatt
range loud to fill the hall of at least 50x100meter (rough guess, in fact
with connected parts a lot bigger) with music so one must scream to be
heard, but in 10,20 meter range even up to that level, while still sounding
REAL good. Though I must mention that the first speaker I recently built
is not up to the latest standard, and of course the stereo picture is cluttered
because I use two different speakers. And I didn't even use very decent
seperations filters (just 6dB/Oct, although that immedeately alleviates
a lot of distortion sources)!. And the tweeter construction I pictured
some diary pages ago spreads the high range very well, though I doubt I
would use them in a product that way, because they would easily break of
And the amp? Twice 100 real RMS watts it should cranck out for sure, probably 150 music at least, since I gave it a very solid supply and all the voltage headroom it needs for that. I wasn't (and still am not) sure about heatsink sizes (the cooling elements that must get rid of the heat the amplifier produces without letting it get too hot), though after several whole days of playing , the case never felt more than hardly lukewarm. Yep, and that was even after a seriously loud pop classics CD in the end (to try it!) and a pretty loud hendrix 'purple haze' to top it off.
Even the security guards know who I am now. Sort of.
I am aware of it that the drive voltage to the end amp wasn't even up to driving it near clipping levels, and at least one speaker (and the woofer of the older cabinet) showed excursions suggesting I wasn't even approaching maybe one third of the available sound level.I didn't bring my digi-meter to check on actual wattage levels, but I'd say it could be 2 or 4 times louder, still.
So lets get serious. This is a PA system I put together in maybe a week and a half (considering I am still trying out a lot of things) effective working time, I carried the speakers myself over quite a distance, they are manageable by one person, the amp has worked for half a week in a live environment now (albeit only moderately loud most of the day time), and all the parts I was at least satisfied about work well. ANd I walked around the whole place, and didn't find a single PA system that sounded as good. I'm serious, not a single one, I saw various brands, even rented ones, and maybe one or two could be cranked up to higher power levels (although they weren't), but not a single one I liked as much for its sound. Seriously.
And to say I did a lot of signal processing and had high Q driving equipment, ggmmpphhh. I have no tone control, simply directly drive the end amp with a $150 (!) PORTABLE cd player (a Philips, though, can't fault them usually for their electronics homework, seriously, those guys in general make good stuff, signal wise, I've tested that repeatedly), and have played classical, spanish, pop, rock, funk and (very clean) jazz material: it all sounds alike: solid, serious, and very pleasant.
So no critical remarks? I didn't try what happens near clipping levels, but considering its a MOSFET end stage in the amp, that won't be too bad (wasn't last time I tried with a smaller supply), and the speaker/amp power adaptation is quite ok (woofers rated at at least 100W cont., but probably conservatively rated 12 inch, solid magnet kind, the amp itself limited by a 85 Volt supply, giving it possible pulses of over 150Watts or so on 6 ohm). But I should try a heavily clipped 3 hour concert before releasing it as a workbeast system. Or put in a compressor/llimiter, of course, which for pop/rock performance wouldn't be a bad idea anyhow, onless one wants to play real clean and has good mic technique. I did pick up that at real higher levels, as far as I could drive the sys with the cd signal, a little distortion seemed to creap in, but that is like: stand at a distance to save my ears from the heavy high signals, listening real carefull without background noise and going like, hmm, is that perfect, sort of thing. I'll trow in a preamp, to be sure, though I'll be carefull not to mess up the very decent slewrate, distortion and signal to noise ratio (over 120dB's, thats like hearing a barely audible noise with an ear straight ON the tweeter, in pauses of a 100 Watts program, that is almost painfully loud at normal listening distance. Nice for high Q multi media performances (ever heard a movies' sound track over a pop PA? I wouldn't dare to try).
The major thing is that I want to bi- or tri-amp each channel, to have decent seperation between the woofer, the squaker and the tweeter. And I must find another supplier of dome mid-toners, because the good one I use now on the good speaker was the last of two I got from a high Q but now bankrupt (or overtaken) manufacturer. Pity, because I like the dome mids, and won't trade them for cone ones. I might consider a upper low / low mid range broadband speaker with loose suspension, to better cover the power requirements where the woofers quite probably starts to mess up (over 500 Hz or so), one can't expect a 12 inch membrane to produce clear and accurate midrange frequencies, and the 3/4 cm dome can probably not reach too low. Room for experiments. Oh, and there is no damping material and kit in the latest speaker, I hesitate to admit. That I'll solve. And I'l put in more screws as well. I don't doubt both will contribute to make the better woofer even tighter and while remaining transparent, as the other on has a lot of heavy screws and solid dampening carpet in it, though the woofer is more heavy and sluggish in comparison (its a little cheaper car-type of thing that is rated at 300 Watts, though: RMS? continuous? Music? Peak? They don't say. It sounds real solid and tight, but not transparent and lightfooted when needed as the other, and a bit dull). The latest cabinet was put together in a few hours 'just to try', and had no update, since...
While I'm writing this at home, I thought I'd throw in a little picture of the cd player that rocked enough to let the neighbours ask for more, realy they did. I was carefull with the daytime sound levels, but slowly levels seem to have risen considerable with the general painters and models at the volume control, and the were some serious ahhhh's from the environment when I had to unplug the amp for a few seconds to plug the soldering iron in to solder in a new tweeter in the older cabinet (I did the soldering live, of course). The picture is pretty horrible, but its a home pic too. And I should have access to my raisor, I know.
Feeling wise I don't want write to much about it, but things have gotten more serious with Helen, and that makes me wonder and somewhat fuzzy on some things. For instance I realize that she indicated that she knew at least some of the people I have known, also of the ones I'd realy like to see again. It won't make it easy on her, and the circumstances I'm in with the people I'm with make it difficult, too. A new env would be good. Since I don't feel free to write everything, since it doesn't concern just me, I won't write too much, but I do urge everyone that reads these pages to take serious that I'm for real also on the wanted pages, and that victims of crimes that are too horrible to even think too much about may need a little symphatetic attitude at least, to dare to go against all the misery and mess they have to deal with, preferably from others than me (as well).
I've made picures, also of the models and painters, I'll see which ones I can put up, maybe even at the ais site, I don't like to do that without knowing its ok. The models are nice, to mention that, too. There was even a dance performance, where a synth would have been good, now it was on Bach and movie music. The dancer/model said she was into making movies, I'l remind her of that as soon as the sonycam is back (next week). And the whole thing has been tapes by both a dutch and a German (not too minor) TV channel, though I have no idea when it could be on, and what would be like.
I feel like having at least one polyfonic synth again. Apart from finally continuing my Moog inspireree as I take the time to soldering the rest of it together, of course. There is more interest for the amp (and speakers) as well, I must find a solid way to do PCB design and production, I'll check if the internet packages I have access to wil do, and will experiment with etching materials, or look up the companies that do eurocards for $25 or so. I also still need to find a more repeatable fashion to suspend the amp's heat sinks, which I want isolated from the enclosure since they are hot, in terms of voltage (they carry the main end amp voltage), because I want to have the best possible heat conduction to the heat sink, without isolating MICA or something. I also want to have the heat sink screwed in solid enough to withstand at least 150 degrees Celcius, because they may get that hot before the thermal control in the amp kicks in. Using polyester nuts and bolts (for electrically isolating the heatsink from the enclosure, which is grounded) might result in a thermal meltdown and a very sparky and speaker unfriendly experience, if the fuse doesn't blow on time! I tried them in boiling water, and they already became weaker, so that isn't up to professional standards. I now use a compromise including aluminium edges and large stripes of plastic, but that takes me too much work, and isn't what I want, though it is neat enough.
I've been playing with a few band members of a band that has their pianist going to Budapest for half a year, and its fun to do good ol' blues and jazz things again. In fact with a nine-year old drummer (and sax and bass), and on a simple school piano (a nice one though).
Should I write about everything I think, and 'hear' from others in spirit? Maybe I should. At least it might be of use to write more about the things Ingrid has 'prayed' about, concerning professors, family, my parents, and the horrible truths of her and others' lives. I will try to condense that, and just write now about some of the things that come to mind. Its important, because she made me aware when I was still at my old home considering what the hell may be going on that my parents and other near people were or had been bad so much that I realy didn't buy what they tried to make me believe, and that definately saved me from being roled in the nuthouse, possibly wihtout a serious defense against not ever needing that at all. She also made clear that a lot of people (of the at best not good christian type, though that seemed otherwise) I met later on were not made of what she considered even remotely acceptable, and she was right again. It hurts not to be with her physically, and to think about what may have happened to her while I was uncapable of doing much because I was drained of almost all means, while apearently NBOBODY realy cared enogh even to give a s*, but at least it should be more clear why I valued her later on, too, in the way I've written about. And that cannot be accused of being merely an internet based love wihtout physical content (which is not what I would say, but I just try to understand the devious mind of my 'enemies', I'm a paranoid, remember), we lived together for at least two years, interacted almost daily, I visited her in various places, slept at her house in France and repeatedly met her and spoke with her later on. Oh, and I'm sure there dozens, maybe hundreds of witnesses of the described events, I haven't made them up, they were pretty much in public, for no special reason on my part.
I don't think I ever mentioned that in fact we went out on the very second night we met (the first was when she came to inquire for a room in the student house I lived)! We went to Scheveningen, which is beach place near The Hague, with promenade (boardwalk), with my motorbike. We had (student price) dinner and watched the fire-works competition they had that evening. Loved that, the touching was good, too.
I want to be with her. Very much, I repeat that, because it is true, and it has been like that for years, and I've got so much comparison material that it wasn't about someone beautiful in vincinity that could have been anyone to know for sure that it was about her and me. She looked not good at all when she was with others, too. I didn't call the (old) work number I managed to obtain because I thought it wrong, and it IS hard, because for both, being together was emotional, very much so also the last times we met, for instance in Paris. It won't work to force anything , but nothing is bad, too. Money and a place to go are a start, a solid and fast car may be a seriously good idea too. Had that. Lost it. Why? Nice people they have in city council, aren't they (her !#$@#$@ 'father') , respectable medical persons, aren't they (her at least equally ^%^&$# mother is an eye doctor). Wanna do an interview? Say please.
When I think about it that she must be a victim of ritual rapes, very close to death tortures, and death threats to whore with some non-people I even must have seen in the news, had her babies killed on top of her, and, as she indicated, worse than that I'm ready to drop a bomb on everybody that defends even the outskirts of a system that even allows that. A literal one, that is. And a lethal one. I want to write here again, that I would use physical violence, to the point of literally killing such jackal and hides to get her free, but I don't have enough information to be effective. And seriously, in the 'normal' picture of things, we seem to have just put eachother off enough not to have related anymore while still having something serious between us even after that, with many witnesses, and at that point (and I can still feel that way, though I'm pretty convinced it wasn't like that) I seemed as if she needed something more of me to want to be with me, and thus somehow didn't want that.
And than I should 'conquer' her or flee in fear? It wasn't like that.
She deserves more than that. Hopefully it will be possible to meet her
with at least some loving and respecting her enough besides me to let her
have a somewhat dignified, loved, and most of all at least somewhat free
(actually and emotionally) life. Were there realy christian, verified and
verifiable trustworthy, Holy Spirit induced prophesies about her and me?
That would qualify as potentially the lingo of a nutcase, but at least
I didn't have those type of thoughts when I was and liked to be with her,
so they could not have influenced my opinions, it just makes me wonder
about all the 'christians' I've ever met. Do read their bible? Did their
ever swear an oath to the God of mystery, or something? I assure everyone
that may be remotely interested or capable of giving input: it hurts not
to be able to be with her. I'll live, but you all miss out on someone and
something seriously good.
And my balloons did fly for real, too (donno what more to say about the above, now, I guess I realy do not understand humanity, after all, and don't want to: call me not normal). I set one loose in the hall I described, with a 15 meter or so high ceiling, and it was immedeately caught upwards by the airco's air stream, and because the balloon had no height control unit, I had to wait for it to come down again after it would gradually loose some helium. The height control servo had been forced in to turning by someone that appearently didn't think a device like that would require a bit carefuill treatment, and broke of teeth of a few little nylon camwheels inside the servo. Didn't care to leave a not either. Anyhow, The balloon did get down again, and the increased size rudder did give it better flight direction control, and the prop did propel it to about zero speed against the airco's airflow, driven by a single NiCad cell (it could be 4 for more thrust) and it made great advertisement, of course. More on that later, because I've made pictures of it, and it in fact got stuch above the lower ceiling, looking like it might be stuck forever until it would have to be catapulted down. It came down by itself, though.
The first thing that realy bothers me is that all the time it seems that the situation in 'life' in this middle sized town (Amsterdam), and probably lots of other places, is that children are wraped and sacrificed, betrayal (in serious, and always present forms) is part of the 'desirable' life, and that to put it simple and biblical the great whore, the beast and the antichrist are major rulers in the spirtitual, and that abuser/wrapist/torturer/satanist (he actually writes the dreaded word that seems to induce more fear then the almighty eternal God)/and power gamer circles induce so much fear that they can decide virtually on every major thing to happen or not happen.
That bothers me, even though I unfortunately don't actually 'know' it. I guess because christian leaders know it is better to leave that 'mistery' unreveiled to someone that if they would actually listen to the Christ they claim to follow could realy mean something to them. In the first place: none of their representatives ever came to present themselves to me saying: heh, we rule the whole f*ing thing, and you'd better do as we say, otherwise you're in trouble, or something. As a person (not even to mention manly person, that stetching the idea) blackmailer or highacker at least would have to guts to do. But backroom and backalley stuff doesn't impress me, and non-persons that need little whore services and can't even control children without violence in my mind don't qualify as a threat for society unless many let them be that. But them again, I guess Jesus realy understimated the deamon problem.
I can just guess at what 'people' I sometimes unfortunately meet or have to do with do or have done in the rest of their lives that I don't know about, but some make themselves irritable or clear enough for me to conclude that they wouldn't like to be confronted with pages such as this, let alone with a person that writes them, and that apearently people that know about the things I haven't know about for a long time are not willing to make public what they know. So little ones suffer, and I couldn't even get them out of their enslaved and sacrificed lives even if I ownded an uzi, which I incidently don't, and it would normally be illegal here, too, but I wouldn't hesitate using one against the likes of who I've read about, and written some about, if that would realy solve something, and I mean use it not just to threaten, though evidently I wouldn't 'like' that. Oops, little streak of violence loving here of the almost lunatic wannabee (very) important christian.
So what's a could be international professor, research/development direction
ginving person, band leader, and serious scientist doing in a gallery and
a painter institute, building PA systems, doing multimedia and programming
stuff (without degrading that, in itself, or downbidding on the posible
fun of tha tin a nice world)? I guess the answer is in the not so eternal
not so glorious, heavily over-rated system.Or is he having delusions of
grandure again? Fits of selfpity and overestimations, and psychotic manic/depresion
(good song!) type of problems? Or is he simply a little too overly enthousiastic
about his own capabilities to achieve things, and therefore inherently
unfit to realy lead, but not to dangerous. Finally gotten over his 'cool'
period (that many seemed to like a lot though) and understood that he realy
should be like a normal dutch not too manly person that realy needs its
parents and family to effectively be choked into something that makes a
real emotional and even intense and still dignified jazz/funk/pop/rock
concert an absolute nono or non-existing artifact, and something to outgrow
to like after ones' teens because life is never that way, and certainly
not something to consider as a serious part of ones own life, let alone
to create it (as an example, of course). Shouldn't I have learned by now
to bow for the sucker god, let the system provide a realy non-fitting girlfriend
not ever to have normal sex with, and finally to accept that of course
the people that tried to be and live in the things that I can do should
take every part of my face they can get to make the glorious and almighty
Am I wanting to many relations of my choice, and of the wrong kind? Should be carefull not to stretch his newly gained but still fragile sanity, and be protected from myself, and let my possible victims be saved from the great embarisment of having me not being able to give what is even basically needed? Stil crazy enough not to understand that the european system must be worshiped until death, instead of wishing and sending it to hell and want to leave and/or crush every major representative and element of it? European? Whatever.
I guess the intelligent nutcases, that don't fit the well known psychotic/neurotic
nutcase pictures are the worst.
Such intelligent creative/destructive monsters should not be unleashed in the real nice society, imagine the damage they would do. And their possible victims should be spared the embarishing and emotionally damaging experience of becoming significant with me, even at the cost of illegal and emotionally at least as damaging ways, because otherwise I would realy expose the core of the system AND even be on top of it, and every good christian knows that Jesus forbade us to speak about the truth, because God would have to sacrifice to the wannabee god of the world so much that armageddon would seem like childs play in comparison. Jesus and his holy apostles warned us that if we want too much goodness some spirit will correct us, and make clear that the babylonian system shouldn't be underestimated, and that Jesus died, too, in the end, and that the early chirstians were also ugred to play their game right, otherwise they would never be anybody, and of course God knows that lying is part of life.
So how did verelst turn from catholic basher into christian basher? Because I think that when you mix it all up, you'll end up being treated all the same anyhow. Thats why. And there are warnings about that. And since I AM (the name of a horrible , to be feared maybe more than the Holy spirit himself, deamon, btw (what is it with that deamon stuff, anyhow? representative of another sort of projectional madness?)) serious about scripture, and want to live up to what seems to be biblical standards (of holyness, of obedience, of 'glory', of trust in promises, of being of good use, a good samarithan, for all I care), and want for real what christianity should be about. Check your little black books: totally serious, feasible, reasonable, more sane than anything, and inevitably a touch supernatural, too. And in some sense without compromise. And about something good, not about 'powerrr'.
'I will give them of My cup of My anger mixed with my indignation' (Gods qoute in revelation about certain type of 'believers' in the wrong system). That is God talking about his anger, and not about making everything right, and certainly not about the barely more intelligent dungeon master that through his very cunning and cruel and mysterious game in the end just manages to get that great desirable commodity: power. And then uses it to finally opress like a real nazi should, and maybe just win of the devil, and God knows of what other maybe even more powerful deamon, and maybe even of the great nothingness, and the even worse THING that has no name because it is so much more to be feared then God that we shouldn't even mention it. (Deamon? Spiritual entity without a body of its own. Pests that are subdued to Jesus' name, as every reasonably edified christian should know. THE THING? Non existent biblical entity, unless the sort of spiritual one-ness that qualifies as beastly is taken for it). It should be clear that I believe the real God has the major advantage to be able to sit back, look at things, and judge with a realy righteous judgement, uncluttered by power considerations, or unholyness from what is in the world. And that I think that he will judge, even what I do, and produce consequences, and that He is the one to feared and taken for powerfull in an absolute and unchanging sense. I could be wrong, of course, who am I to know God? I have a bible that can teach me something and my sensibility to judge what I read and what it means, and to judge if that works and if teaching is in line with it, and non-contradictory.
For the ones that have found the real Christ (and I'm sure they know when that happens), it is important to realize that in the spiritual, there is only one God, and one Holy Spirit (capitals optional but not unfitting, I'd say), and one saviour, and that everything that 'is' is subdued to God. Without exception. That even the world we live in is in the 'legal' sense Christs' since he got the victory over satan and death, meaning no spiritual ruler or whatever can continue its claim on you when confronted with the fact that you're now Christs' property. And I mean that serious, because I understand from feeling some of the people I love that there is a great problem with that. It is the truth, that sets people free, not some ritual truth, but actual, normal truth, including of course the Person that can save a person for al eternity (Jesus).
Why am I sometimes so quasi-cynical and sour? Basically because that is how I can feel when I let a major part of my emotions respond to what I've encountered as the general situation that people that I want to love have to deal with, and how not at all dear 'christianity' responds to all that. I want to have nothing to do with that unless they subdue to the real God (assuming thats the one I follow, at least thusfar he hasn't proven to be a liar or contradictiory to himself or his bible) and are serious abut that. Otherwise, they deserve harsher judgment of me. And I have quite some capabilities to judge and teach in that area, seriously, and I have NOT EVER BEEN NUTS AT ALL, and that's a serious, not cynical, but feeling like a somewhat stupendous remark. And I mean not at all. For real.
So what are these pages for? Theraputic? I don't doubt that at some points in time and in some ways they can be taken that way, but the real reasons were pretty simple. First, I wanted to put personal stuff on the web so that everyone with a real interest could know about the real me without the hassle of what some people try to do to me, and without having to be subdued to the likes of them, but simply in the privacy of a web browser, possibly even from a bedroom. And that includes the people on the wanted pages, of which I suspect that it is good way to find out that what I think is for real, and that I mean what I've indicated, thought, written, and said.
At some point, I wanted to use these pages to make clear that 'people' trying to prove me nuts would better not try, and to expose 'people' that wanted to sidetrack me on professional and even artistic level for being the liars they must be, and provide enough actual, contentwise proof to do so. For instance on the software and electronics pages. I think I succeeded in that, I read and even got messages from serious enough parties to know that I can proceed to be taken serious for all I've wanted in the past.
Why not in public? I can touch in public, be pretty personal, say and
indicate profound things in public, but not talk about these kind of issues?
In fact, I could. I can teach, I even tought courses, and guided hundreds
of students and even was involved in graduations and with PhD candidates,
been on (live) stage many dozens of times, in short there is no reason
I coudn't. Maybe I should, seriously. But thusfar I haven't felt like that
would be appropriate to organize, and the people with whom that would have
been most natural, weren't even up to asking me to speak or teach except
by lipservice to the subjects I raised, without mentioning their source.
I could imagine that it raises problems to openly teach about biblical
truths (agian, in the normal, non-ritual sense of the word) and that the
mixup in the audience may cause problems, and that it would be hard for
honest people, especially when they realy are interested in Him, or have
recently experienced the greatest miracle of them all to be put straight
with God by accepting Christs eternal, once and for all sacrifice to have
a life with Him restored.
I would imagine it is quite possible that the 'great revival' I've heard speak about can happen when this type of biblical truth is honestly preached and accepted by the ones that He intended to find Him, but I don't see that as necessary, or even desirable. I do see it as desirable that people that find him have a way to find solid doctrine, like I did. That can save people, for real, and continue to save their live, and make them win from the start, and let them produce the glory and the fruits that were intended to act as proof of His presence in us.
Such teaching could be abused and mixed up, too. Personally, I wouldn' t be afraid of it, but then again I don't think an instution or official happening is needed to communicate what is realy important. I can't escape the idea that the course I did, of Albert Grimes, that is, was of essential value for a lot of biblical subjects. It didn't realy teach me about the relational and sexual area, but still I think it was of quite significant value.
In short further reasons for these pages is to advance things I want to be known, maybe even by people near to me that read these pages, because it is a good way to contain thoughts in a bit of an organized way (that may require more headings) and accessable at a convenient time. And because I want to make clear I do mean what I pray about, without unnecesarily pushing things. One can read these pages without mentioning it, when I speak in words about it, I could expect a response, now I don't need to. Not optimal, but so a final reason is that I take it as possibly usefull to contain relevant thoughts and even (he writes another dreaded word) doctrines.
Oh and at times its fun, too. My own personal multi media diary on the tripple double u (spawning a term here to see if it pops back up somewhere, always nice to know if my page counter should actually be spinning in overtime, did you notice you have to access my main page to get to latest diary goodies? Access my pages instead of emailing them, I may make some serious cash to buy a car (a peaceful though potentially environmentally hazardous option) by putting banners on. Courses pay well, to btw, some preachers actually live of their preaching, you know).
Don't take my not too mild sarcasm wrong: I'm a person with emotions and when I write honest I respond to some of the cancerous behaviour I encouter, and I chose not to hide my ideas about that, because I think that is educationally relevant. At this point not to proof I'm not nuts (I hope), but to make clear that always I've had very solid reasons for doing and communicating things, and that that is non-destructive for good things, and a part of a person that is together, logical, able to even 'teach' (what a concept), and to want what he indicates he wants.
And the having of non-cancerous emotions and guidelines that direct them, and having honest emotions that don't such at all is a worth a major doctrine in itself, and therefore is an frequently recurrent theme on these pages.