I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes family, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is that it may well be that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.
 

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Fri Jul 27 2001, 1:10 PM

Church

I had a almost shouting discussion yesterday about a literal subject almost too stupid to remember. I was making the point of assuming some visitors of a bible study would actually already be christians, capable and lets say at least interested in being presented with more than mere gospel information, and that I wouldn't like to assume that the parabel of the sawyer implies only that we have to accept that major numbers of people are going to be comparable to seedlings falling on the road or rocks or get entwined and entangled in thorny weeds, and live by that principle. When there's much rock, I don't guess the farmer is going to throw much seed, and the roadside, lets say he missed about a meter breadth on every side of an acre or lets say a square hectometer, that is about 4 percent.

Anyhow, the point wasn't so much the problem, as was the subject unmentioned but involved which I mentioned on yesterday's page, which is need of beig brought forward with some authorithy, and which then will have actual effect, possibly also christian careerwise, which is a horrible phrase anyhow. But sort of getting threatened for refusing to start an acedemic style point, not even an argument, isn't my idea of a hobby, that means the subject appearently is as important and as lets say undiscussable in obedience sense as I thought it would be. Anyhow, I'm good.

I had the chance to watch and listen to the latest swaggart what is it, hardly a lecture, with that person playing and singing himself, and at least one or two songs with interesting and musically good moments, I thought I heard the sort of what I associate with Ernie ford choir and close harmony singing pass by for more than a moment, which is good, and the rock stands, too. Maybe I'l watch again for the sermon (if that is what it is) content, the last few were quite apt for lets say subjects I see relevant at lets say world stage level, too, so why not have a as far as I know not bad apostle with 15.000.000 record sales to his name and 40 years of I think not enrichening preaching to his name do a global job with me watching. His subjects for sure cover relevant church issues, and also areas which I think deserve major attention, as they often do in many ways, but not so much or more than quite adverse in authoritive biblical teaching.

I don't like it to have the suggestion in the air that when I claim that the Holy Spirit even lets people drop dead, I'm not credible because I don't agree with some obvious scheme which is claimed to be all christian but in fact against His will. Not sorry. And when that happens I tend to remind people that God is serious, and when people act in His name they'd better be prepared for His judgement when they fail to be in line with His word and will, and that I do not buy the lie that we can alltogether forget about that aspect and use His gospel for whatever reason we desire. Pff, what a world. 'When someone wants to keep their lives, they'll loose it', that was by some unmarried maybe bearded, carpenter son jew probably speaking hebrew who had the nerve to actually claim He was the son of God and that He spoke the truth and had power to forgive sins. 'When you look at a woman to desire her in your hearts you have already comitted adultery against her', that's another one, care to study that?

Good afternoon, I've come to preach you christ, you know, you are a sinner! And now I'll be annointed (what does that mean?) to speak for an hour to plead with you to accept christ, and the deamon that runs my denomination, and then I'l get a job and good esteem as a evangelist. And that's the gospel?!

Conviction of sins, good. Preaching of the Son of God and what He has said, and that He paid once for the sins of the word, defeated death, and gives new, everlasting live, which He gives to whom He wants, for free, good. Being pointed at the importance of the price that was paid by God himself, being without guilt, good. That there is authority in His words, and in people whom He has appointed places and gifts, good. That there is even profit in applying the principles of the gospel, the name of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins as we are forgiven, the guidance and leading He can give, when applied properly, good.

But coming to the gates of the communion of people who for some reason or another decided to share what they had and put their money at the feet of the apostles, and lie about how much in comparison they were giving, bad. Result? Drop dead. Literaly, both of them.

That is the power of the judgement of God the Holy Spirit, which is effective in lesser ways too, I'm sure.

So let us not be so good christians? Lets see. That is under the assumtion that it is somehow advantageous to go wrong where God wants a certain thing or not wants a certain thing. When we are able to steal, we may normally get away with some more of someone else, but with a allknowing, righteous God, I wouldn't like to try. When we would kill, there is one who knows the living and the dead, and will judge both, so I'm quite sure at least in the end there isn't much to be gained. When want riches from the world, Christ defeated the world system including death, and the Holy Spirit is holy, seperate, from it, and would we want to insult Christ and claim His judgement wasn't right ?

So we now all are perfect obedient little christians with whom nothing ever happens except maybe in choir service? Those who were found by Christ

The idea is that a schizofrenic cannot for some reason put themselves together, the parts change sides all the time, and are rarely balanced let alone normal emotional response patterns, which could be out of hurt, some long term or traumatic anormality in internal or external sense, or out of some emotional behaviour that has grown into the condition, basically because it has two components who are seperated and take the lead the one or the other. Double livedness. In oneself that is quite a condition I think, it means ones' emotions are messed up enough not to make much sense anymore, and it means one is quite influencable to bounce back and forth all the time, which is not good as responses to develop normal relations or contact, when ones responses are weighed and every time again are simply based on tumbling over eachother sides of a condition of schizofrenia, the other party may not find it easy to make any sense of the intertaction, not even after integration time, which at least is frustrating. Putting forward some side of oneself intermittedly is not the same as saying 'I see only this and this, and now accept I am right', which is simply not doing justice to a person a situation. Anyhow, schizofrenia can arise understandably out of unmight, but also out of guilt. And when such condition, as mentioned in James, is required by some spiritual authority because it's limited knowledge tells it it will make victims more succeptible to guidance, it may well be induced in many ways, and as I knew decades ago, a main open door or underlying idea is fear. So if making afraid and schizofrenia are both at stake, they'll amplify it would seem, which is bad, and I'm quite sure the lack of normal personhood with some reliability outside a strict and by nature impersonal system, like nazism or general christian systems in a not good enough sense is dangerous. There were books written about the idea, to put it mild. 'Goejemorgen meneer sonneberg, weetu wat het is, de mensen hebben geen humor meer vandaag. ... had je me daarvoor van die ladder moeten laten komen.. '. (from dutch conferance, about 25 years ago).

Sich heil, heil fuehrer, how wonderfull it is to have a great man, heil the beast and the chinese are wrong it is a real neat construction, and surely those wonderfull catholic and other riches don't harm, and some of them are actually realy nice, and of course Adam know a little sin was realy needed to make it in life, nothing would have ever happened. God is dead, isn't he. The forefathers of the Tutsis even agree, it's all the way it should be.

I think I'll play moslim type of (fake) believer a bit, just to get some ideas out of the way. Lets say the first birth right taken by Jacob from Esau desiring of the red soup, gotten by lying about his identity itself is important, but the relics involved such as the actual cup (lets call it the holy grail for the sake of babylonic style argument) the soup may have been in means nothing to me at all. Completely meaningless, the principle involved is important, not the deals and their constituents, and of course the blessing og the father. So when the christians gave away their rightfull position in history to every pagan belief and cult that came along, or at least when the real God of  time let history do it, the only point is that He gave up trust in them as a whole, and they suffered the consequences. The trust isn't in the relics, the person positions, the tricks, the system, the riches being transfered from one to another, but simply in God being trustworthy and people not listening means that for that reason they miss His blessing. Considering the world as it is, that blessing is quite a contrast, and worth paying attention to and doing effort for.

Responsability for one's person is also artist territory, I'm sure, I guess greek actors and writers were into the same. When Jesus is portraied certain ways in revelation probably His character is at stake, not so much his renewed physical appearance. In babylon, there is no character, and what there is is so base, miserable transparent and predictable in evil intention that there is not much about it any way. I don't think the satan or even the angels that must have plagued an earlier earth have very interesting, uplifting, fun or or effectively good or rich characters.
And when children are chastised to become little affraid or double sided persons, its quite something else then when God chastises a real son or daughter (not a bastard) to achieve reliability and obediance, against the horrors of obedience to so many other untrustworthy parties. May take years, and as it seems it probably the major test of real son-hood. Not a la Job, but as a principle.

I was reading up on nuclear war material the other day and was made aware of the idea of the atomic bomb and its massive destructive powers were foreseen in the time 1984 and other such books were written. These subjects aren't new, so lets not redo the same mistakes, which for some parts I guess were quite clear. Does the air burn?

To do some content wise reading, I may be going here again

I'll want to go into the integral (or differential) equations which gouvern the vibration modes of strings, and see what I can do making various phases and parts of the string simulator theoretically more elaborately founded. Also the number games involved in making the few hunderd filtering steps work conservative without great error buildup. Analysing the vibration modes and limiting the computations needed for good simulations, also when an enclosure is added would be next. And I've not forgotten the Neumann inversion trick to do relaxation compuation in graphics and physics, based on reflection operators, which I like for its foundation power.
 

Pretty Girl

The idea of internet movies is interesting, I don't have any facilities now, but if I do, I could make it a major pass time for sure, filming with a good enough digital cam, making the soundtrack work, get some editing program in gear, maybe add a few multi media tricks here and there, generating scores and making the music work. Quite powerfull stuff.

I saw Pretty Girl which is halfway shocking and of interest, it could even indeed stand a place on a festival, though I'm not sure what the Lille Internet Film Festival means more than the vilage itself, which in my memory is sort of bearable, though that may be a biased memory because of personal reasons, but nothing too much, and The Finger Seed which I didn't completely understand, though I guess uselessness is not outside the subject, and the idea is clear enough. Juan le Pins is small too, so why not.

I've looked up where the playlist of the sort of medium jazz channel (at least at night time) wich can be received in major parts of holland is, I've listened to them walkmanwise and otherwise regularly, which might probably not happen that much with a cd collection of my own, but as it is at least some good enough blues, some jazz, some modern songs. A not completely representative example is My Ever Changing Moods from the Style Council. I'm not sure it was on the same channel, but I heard rainy night in georgia (Charles) a few times lately, that is good enough, certainly. Wbgo (a new york jazz station, over realaudio) had good songs again, I'm not sure that changes a day, but it sure makes a difference.

I played a card game with some people I don't know well at all, amoung them a woman from Jamaica, and though I'd make some fun afterward by counting the cards, not that anything else then some fun, communication and maybe some points were at stake, but I thought I'd take the pictureless cardpile of about wrist thickness, and sort every card number together, unlike the game which somewhat reminding of rummicub makes used card piles of ascending numbers, and see how many of each kind there are. Next time I know what numbers to gamble for, and which numbers are favorite to put up ones sleeve, and making little piles, I even got a bar graph like representation. For reasons I've mentioned before, I don't think I want to go much into more subjects in this area now.

The following isn't poetry, but its effect is like sometimes the channel has, wich is certainly music, it is from radio free new orleans
 

Friday: Friday is Funk-day, when we celebrate the great foot-stomping, limb-loosening, hankerchief-waving rhythms that make New Orleans music so unique and universal.

They seem to have skipped the intro sound files, which make this kind of advertisement into what it sounds like in my memory, but usually it is completely worth it to tune in for the music itself.

Final musical quote is what I just heard: 'I want you to want me', by cheap trick. Live, of course.