I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts and events.
Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them that these pages are copyrighted, and that everything found here may not be redistributed in any other way then over this direct link without my prior consent. That includes family, christianity, and other cheats. The simple reason is that it may well be that some people have been ill informed because they've spread illegal 'copies' of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement, that is illegal, and will be treated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as you like, make hardcopies, but only of the whole page, including the html-references, and without changing a iota or tittel...
And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong that may be done otherwise. And I am serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave emotional assault' out of it, but infrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called upon us to respect the authorities of state, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying, imagine that.
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In fact the latest addition to this page has been 24 may, which is not
according to custom, but then again so much in current life isn't , so
I thought I'd update in advance, while I'm still writing, which luckily
I am enabled to do, in comfortable enough circumstances.
Check out this page for some recent music pieces in mpeg3 format.
Queen has been on an amsterdam park stage, or at least two of them, Roger Taylor and (of course) Brian May, I've used about 20 gigbyte of disc space the record the broadcast, which was vibrating a lot of air, I'm sure. I've just borrowed 'Jazz' from the star rock band, and it still does it's trick: seriously, that at least is some music.
I've tried the latest sampletank demo samples, and without knowing, I had routed them through a quite solid set guitar of guitar effects, which made a noise most house guys probably woulsn't anticipate coming from these kind of software bozes. Pretty hefty, maybe I'll do a demo to make clear I can do those thing, except like others musically better. To be mild. The screen dump I did to remember some effect settings, because they are lost with each program end (its the demo), they work quite well on the electric guitar sample, which is in some the demo pieces on the page I refered to.
Amazingness is sometimes the word, overall wonderfull sounds emerge from my C program, without any samples, and completely bare, tough non trivial, mathematically based digital signal processing. I'll see if I make some mpeg samples, I'm still working on the program, getting the delay down would be good, mechanisms to combine strings in various ways, good use of pitch bend and modulation wheel and various parameters like the string filtering characteristics and the feedback and string coupling coefficients. And I'd prefer a good coupling with tcl/tk or maybe some decent ordinary user interface controls in a handy form (I'll see if the old line and filled rectangle approach works decent) to be able to make the whole thing cry and sing in more than one way.
Of course the keys must be played right.
Download the lastest prototype, including the required dll's, the sources (for cygnus compiler and make), and readme file here.
I've made a quick example with that exact program, by simply recording
the system audio in mono 44.1 kHz wav format, and mpeg encoded it into
file. No effects have been applied to the recording, this is played
live and recorded straight. I just did there seem to be some hickups, which
are in the recording, not in the output from the string simulator, it doesn't
exhibit such hickups, the only problem can be total messup when the computing
capacity is reached.
I've just for completely legitimate reasons done some serious XP endurance testing, after finding out putting Cubase VST (demo) to sleep isn't always successfull, though I did get that to work earlier, too (state saving isn't new but nice enough for an operating system). I was watching some TV in about 700x600 resolution, which is nice, at the same time letting media player plow through jimi hendrix 'electric ladyland' which happens to have gotten on the disc in compressed format, burning a (domestic use...) copy of another CD directly from the DVD player, running a cygnus (unix) shell with a prototype of the above string simulator doing about 6 strings, which was reading midi, too, editing a web page with netscape composer, and even shortly browsing the great internet for mail.
And of course the volume control, the task manager and some more text processing would be running, but not eat many cycles. And? Well, actually I got no errors, so I added another program, Cubase VST, which does loads of real time audio and midi processing, to do some harddisc sound recording, and, oh miracle, all that seems to work together, to get the processor load meter constantly in the highest 50 percent range ...
So did things go wrong in the end ? Not that much, I'm listening to Queen 'Jazz' to test wether the burning worked, it seems to be fine, the only thing is I had to restart when TV, string simulator and Cubase together started to eat too many cycles when I was fiddling with the cubase mixer and recording facilities, and somehow messed up when I wanted to get rid of the audio loop by wanting a quiet monitor while letting the effects output run to the main channel, from which I also picked up the string simulator output in real time. Must have pushed the wrong button at some point, after all it's a free demo...
So what's that stuff about putting top software on the web, even with sources, for free as it is, allowing things I searched more than a bit for, and which are of high intellectual value to be used for free (mentioning sources, of course), has he lost his mind ? No, in fact there are whole operating systems with more than interesting and good enough applications which may be copied and even commercially used for free. The law of grace doesn't seem to forbid that, though on the other hand: one must live. How did linus pull that off? I guess he graduated, too, though that is no money guarantee. It should be for electrical engineers of my education, jobs should be all over, though when I tried that principle in practice when I had just gotten my masters degree, I found out that without my knowledge, some maffia circuits must have joined together to play the game of me being overqualified or not in demand, though luckily I'd worked more than enough already, both at university and with my own little company at the time to be realy bothered, except that I found it an insult to normal state of affairs in a country valueing piecefull and worthy jobs and major main driving forces of innovation making them interesting and worthwhile. I got to be a university employee, again, at a what it seemed acceptable enough position and pay, going for a PhD and aiming as I wanted to go to the united states.
At some point I started to get indirect information that things around me must have been a lot worse than I had ever anticipated, do I withdrew to think and make a plan, and try out what I could trust enough, and what I couldn't. Not much remained, my family being so treacherous and downtroding it isn't even fun thinking about it, many not willing to speak much at best or a whole lot worse, very unpleasant, so I decided at least I'd use my skills to find a path worth taking, and some things I did based on my faith. After more than a fee years after I've left all my things because I had ran out of money, things aren't better, except that at least no one who claimed to deal with me 'normally' or reasonably can sustain that claim, in life or in court or whereever. Seriously, no one of my former home - front has even bothered to inform me about what happended after they had (completely unsuccessfully and without any good ground, luckily, except the hiding of their evil ways) even tried to put me away in a nuthouse. No apologies, no information about my belongings, not about what had all happened behind my back, nothing. firstname.lastname@example.org still waits for answers, and they have that address too, already for years, I've even answered them a few times, but nothing sensible in return, no sir, the system forbids.
Luckily I've seen my share of movies about the second world war, russia, and other places where normal human rigths are officially and openly throden on and ignored, and I therefore am not too surprised at the picture of 'people' who in actual fact are willing to listen to nazi heads till the point of wanting others dead, taking part in horrible secret police practices, and who are not affraid or bothered by their normal human consciousness to make betrayal and abuse a way of life, if that is what they call it. The mindless gnome of a hitler appearing in film fragments for which he I recently found must have had direct inspiration from charley chaplin making fun of him, doesn't look like alive to me, nor do all the other fragments. Demon possessed, at best.
So I'm not affraid to draw the conclusion that such circles again are looking for power in this country (the netherlands), probably not called that for nothing. I did get my vitamins, me education, and even income (and taxes) for many years, though my god, at times the pressure was considerable, so I do have good enough starting point, which I wish good enough others, too, but that I need so much to achieve so relatively little in this damned place is a bad sign, a very bad sign.
So when I push things it is to make clear that I've experienced enough to know for sure what the english, the french and of course the americans must have know 50 years ago is still valid and necessary to survive without getting so tainted life isn't worth living anymore. And good enough education is without question of essence to at least make the worst nazism not take place at least in the higher places with such power that they can even rule without resistance. I recall that when probably the biggest (minus russia) nation in europe tried to rule based on such oppressive and liarish semi-religion, they lost. Flat out.
So one plays with the winners when one is against them, though in dutch politics I have the impression there is one decent enough party left (which I happen to have voted for a few times, and of which the (still?) head's book I've read years ago, without too much boredom), and the rest crawls around in the same shit and poision except with different names. They don't look good on tv.
So I push things, because I haven't and am not willing to ever sacrifice myself to a system that will not even give me my money back, let alone my life and assets and honorability and real talents. When I push, at least I know that what I stand for is worth while, and valid, and that maybe children will not be as damned as their parents, and that maybe I can leave with enough to make my live worth while also in other ways, without wading through thick shit every public moment.
I'm a bulldozer, yes that is it. I'm thinking about the 30 meter long 1000 horsepower ones with decimeters thick of solid cold hardened steel utensils and parts, plowing through guarded concrete foundations, slowly, but not too slowly.
S'o now I've luckily been able to put up public proof of my thoughts about string simulation as interesting instrument with non-linearities, and all the other things I thought I'd draw in to at least prove myself professionally and leadership-wise. Ha. Ha is in place, except I don't know what will happen. I don't have the right number, I have 7 9, and somethings, enfin something completely different than 666, so I may not work for half a year in software or whatever and make a ton of money like so many clearly lesser others. Fuck them, essentially, but then again, I've claimed computers and everythings that goes with it and I promise, I leave nothing in place until my bulldozer is finished. That system as it is will NOT rule. Over my dead body not even. And it isn't, and I don't anticipate it will be soon.
I seem to remember that a not so different sort of anomal behaviour has led to nothing fascism, outside nazism, about two third a lifetime ago. Craziness with much evil fruit, I've picked up more than enough signals and facts from differing enough walks of this society to be sure enuogh. I know there are worldwide hierarchies at stake of great evil, inducing much fear, but that is no reason to join them in every big and small way, but reason to fight them and resist them to ones' reasonable ability. To at least save ones' honorability. Which is a property which cannot be bought or projected.
"I'm so happy that I want to be free" I just heard Godley and Creme sing. One of my lesser know musical influences when I was also learning the blues, a few decades ago. That is better. Much better.
Try talking to someone in a bar or on some party or other place in this country about that. Some children understand intuitively enough, which is good, and some here and there I think can actually sit and think about such condition. But so few.
So I push different, actually devilsh inspired doctrines, aside, just because I don't like to live that way. Basically.
When I start writing about some people I'm luckily no longer dependent on, it will become clear I'm not exagerating. Luckily I didn't sacrifice my credibility. And luckily every now and than there have been people I could trust for some essentials just enough, and some hopefully some more.
I'll push writing about what I've experienced soon I guess, because I know at least some people read these pages, which I'm sure is good, and it might help getting things of the ground which are worth at least looking at or participating in without fear of the heil hitler anyway betrayal somewhere along the future line. Or being sold right back to momma.
And changing history, that of course helped the official, army enforced central bureau credibility against anyone thinking different. Meaning that makers of state unfriendly art must be officially probably rendered insane with feighned proof to keep the somewhat more equal in power behind the curtain of iron. Nothing new. Nothing special. Same shit all over, never works right, never gives much worth while to anyone, except maybe a certain type of undesirable power and financial riches to a few hidden alledged illuminati. Who would never share their riches without revolutions and disowning their production goods, or some other way to achieve the same. Pretty logical, not so hard to understand. Everyone wants to live and more than a few probably want to be happy, so what's the problem?
That the natural religion of natural man is to have an inclination to evil, and to let the world system which has been essentially infuenced by that miserably devil (also the actual figure, whereever and whatever that is) rule in its miserable ways, for which there is no good rational or human foundation.
Similarly with the idea that children must be sacrificed to be initiated in some kind of evil power, there is no reason to mess people up and give them feelings of (justified) guilt, to achieve anything worth while or good. In fact it is one of the instances where Jesus seems to have wished the doers of such deeds dead on the bottom of the ocean with a millstone around their neck. Strong language.
And the idea that all that miserableness and death worthy evil must exist and remain hidden and secret and even honored and given much power and authority. Completely wrong for every normal person with reasonable intellectual powers above lets say an IQ of 10, and probably under. Apes wouldn't be so stupid as humans often are. Why ? Because it seems that God punishes certain types of long lived and long planned evil in such way. By giving certain people over to their stupidity. Biblical, it seems. Not nice, but when people team up to do great evils, that seems to be one of His responses. You'd (and I'd) better not be part of a scene where He does that.
You could try pride that you are part of such great evil plan against God (the real one, mind you) or His own, but then again, are you stronger than he, and did it ever make anyone happy, or rich for that matter? It seems to me it didn't. Of course the smaller creepy ways of creeping up on better people will make the deamons very happy about you and give you much of what you've always wanted, Wrong. they just damn yourself (maybe too) in the end. And when God choses to damn a country for such things, they must have been pretty bad, and I wouldn't try to built up all to much in spirit in such a place, because it might well be that one person according to his will is stronger than the whole tower of babel you might try to keep in the air. And seriously, taking satanist, child abusers, witches, magicians, soothsayers, liars and evil dogs as your reliable informers, and make a spiritually based system based on their information may well make you more miserable then you in your right mind should bargain for. Stick with the normal, unelevated would be my strong advice, and leave the new world to the new agers themselves who show by their own surrender to higher powers in the great air that what they tell you to do is realy worth it. First. Those greater powers might turn out to be simply demonic authorities, and if you want to give place to that sort of misery in yourself, there are many damning ways to do that, you don't need something really special for that, in certain cities they dwell on every street corner: take a pick if you are stupid enough to like them. And they'll tell you anything, but can you verify it is true what they tell your spirit? If you can't, why bother trusting them? The satan himself loves to present himself as an angel of light, not darkness. But remains the liar and killer it is, which should usually be clear soon enough.
I've been in a university projects, partly financed by seconds sources, where I and my fellow projects members (who I now think must heave been awfull) were doing desing and prototyping of a hardware graphics machine, I remember distinctly the point where I was officially put in effective direction giving charge for the design of a printed circuit board containing a part of the protoptype processing chips, and being amazed at the lack of knowledge of almost all involved parties. Amazing I found it at the time, except I had trained my cool more than good enough to hide most of it, except not in a million years would I allow them to exchange roles with me, everything I did and led was mine, what they did theirs, and that must have pissed them off in the end to make the whole thing suck even worse when they dealt with it, until I was forced to leave, when I guess they would have wanted me to double proof myself by giving them the fruits of all my knowledge and skills in total submission. Wrong. Fuck them.
And now there is the program. The string program. Which works according to plans I´ve made known for about the whole world to see and verify long before I got to the point of delivering a simply useable enough example. So appearently my direction and estimation of my own capabilities wansn't wrong. Ha. And since last week or so there is a breadboard with running light, debounced switch, blinking leds and binary counter on it, ticking for days on some rechargeable penlight batteries.
Not that special to some, but even for more than a few working in the field, it seems to contain more essence then they've come up with in a long time working. I don't need to tell Intel or TI or HP specialists that, I´m sure certain knowledge isn't sold, but only told to reliable enough or general audiences. It seems that certain wannabe leaders just want a position I rightfully took at points or 'being' authoritive enough to take the words from seriously, and to sort of 'have' a subject in a way which means there is no way around their statements, nor around their alledged supremacy, authority and position. Not that I cared that much about such things, though being completely deprived of the respect and even acknowledgement even gets across the sensibility threshold of the better cool at some point, but it was remarkeble how much some small sized wannabees were keen on such things. Sick, I thought it was.
Anyhow, Maybe I'll be able to make some picktures or write some more layman courses about the subject, it took 20 euros to get to building nice enough circuits, which are enchanting or maybe hypnotising enough to be fun.
And they prove something, yes sir, they do. They prove what most certified software engineers probably cannot perceive in themselves right, and I found more than a few others must have the same sensitive spot against absorbing normal enough, ojective knowledge about the basics of computers. Amazing, at times, how much they want certain lies, to see certain marks, which don´t exist, certain logic which is wrong or insane. Amazing.
Anyhow the nand ports flip flops and all that tick fine, and as know very well can be put in completely theoretically reliable circuits which in the end can even put a resizeable tv screen on a computers monitor, or make the millions of pixels on a LCD display quickly allign up to patterns programmed by a decent or undecent programmer. Amazing stuff enough, completey worhty of normal human attention, so where are the bbc documentaries?
I'll see what I can come up with with these circtuits except for showing interested parties the genuine and reliable basics of all know digital computer circuits.
For certain those dollar a piece (in bulk even far less) little chips do more work per second then many programs ever do, certainly when they are written in inefficient languages. Every gate can respond within maybe a 100 millionth part of a second to any input change, which is something a decent C or machine code program on a fast computer could pull off, too, but ten chips with more than a few inputs and outputs a piece can do quite some pattern processing work, and need according care to do something usefull.
Or loads of computer resources to simulate right.
Just like wrape might be lurking around the next door. Which is equally alarming, and just as well will not receive any of my support or agreement in public or private.
I've felt prompted to make some remarks in public against certain kinds which I percieved as assigning all to much power to a spiritual I am very against, and in myself more than powerfull enough against. Including that when certain people want to be leaders in great evil, giving space to certain spiritual relative authorities, they can easily enough be stopped: you kill them, then they're dead, and don't work anymore. Simple. Nothing wins of death, normally speaking.
So now the one taking a subject out of another parties long standing initial official party program to make holland 'liveable' is dead. Shot in the head in broad daylight, as it appears by a leftish person. Maybe an act of a hidden but quite real war.
At least it seems that making another party which is composed of shuffling people and misery in certain ways without real enough content isn't very right or sensible. The party from which the idea of making even the whole world survive the attacks on its environment, started and named after the year I was born, might be forced more than a little to take part in the political arena of dragging in all kinds of people and ideas to probably be very with, but at least still seems to want reasonableness, which is not a bad sacrifice, and want to stay strong for changing the way things run in political scences and against the environment, clearly enough supported by the club of rome from the 70's. No dark forces are automatically going to make sure the oil doesn't run out, and that we will have any green and health left in the end.
So is it possible that death is an act against gross blackmail? Against some wanting to assure in some 'new' (new Rome/Babylon or neo nazi') way that the secret or hidden plans of centuries old where realy worth all the human sacrifice to keep the very grrrreat (gmpf) hidden forces in power, blackmailing everyone and everything they can find to cooperate with their lealy velly centlal leadership, so all sins can be forgiven by it, and the great abuse continue to pick on the small and defenseless and bendable. Which I am not planning on being in anything I can have power over against that kind. Even though great deviations. Way over the top of some peoples carreers. And then I'm still against them. So at least I'm clearly openly and lastingly against all that misery as far as I can help it, or as far as I see right.
Blackmail that may not make you openly protest against forms of gross nazism, fascism, racism even, and totalitarian ruling for real instead of that which some wannabe antichrist rulers must have perceived as totally unsurmountable by decent counterplay (me, for instance).
Blackmail not to expose your childabusing parents or neighbours 'lets all join with great efforts to make holland liveable'. Yeah right, what effort do you have in mind? Standing in my shoes or in my place, speaking great words of vanity, completely neglegting the incredible injustice that wants you to bypass any humannly important subject, and the incredible forgiveness that people abused by you and your kind (not so much talking about myself first of all, because I mean for instance direct sexual abuse and other forms of horrible hurt) must live with to even see your ass or darkly ruled face on tv or newpaper covers. And that you get a ton a year of my money a year of my tax money to do so, completely ignoring my real circumstances already years ago, without actually doing anything at all for what I stand for, and walking right passed me when I regularly was in my home, gouvernment city, and must have been known more than a little bit.
No, the greedy scroogy dutch were playing their games of putting certain parties and family clans gainst eachother, and would have to show by running past me fast that the abuse circuits were enabling them quite a bit to try to get the juice of girlfriends I wanted because their abusive families were more than willing to sell them their signs of the beast. Assholes. To put it mild. But then again, appearently they aren't capable of being something right enough, or good enough themselves. It seems. Oh, and I did have a decent haircut, a car fitting in the environment, more than enough exposure, and top university degree, and long enough working experience to be taken seriously more than most of them, probably. So don't tell I don't have the right to stand the way I do.
Think you'll be honored for that evil? I don't think that is what statesman
could be honored for. Making a law against child abuse, that I remember
from dutch politics lessons must have been worth while. 'sleep thight civilians,
because there is no reason for great concern' just before second world
war broke out and german forces in no time took control of most of this
country isn't a good example. Though it may be popular for a little while,
reliability is lost after that while.